[Ahimaaz Smith]

Missing Mice, Etc.

Originally Posted by Brother V

Who took the rest of the stuff from the ark?

Brother V, that is easily answered, though the answer leads only to another puzzle that does puzzle me:

And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen. And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain. 1 Samuel 4:10-11

And the ark of the LORD was in the country of the Philistines seven months. 1 Samuel 6


I've always secretly suspected that the Philistines slipped in the Eighth Commandment when nobody was looking, just to let the thieving Jews know that they were onto them. Ironic, huh?

And the Philistines called for the priests and the diviners, saying, What shall we do to the ark of the LORD?... And they said, If ye send away the ark of the God of Israel, send it not empty; but in any wise return him a trespass offering.... Then said they, What shall be the trespass offering which we shall return to him? They answered, Five golden emerods, and five golden mice, according to the number of the lords of the Philistines: for one plague was on you all, and on your lords....And they laid the ark of the LORD upon the cart, and the coffer with the mice of gold and the images of their emerods.... 1 Samuel 6:2-11 [Why they thought God would want pictures of their hemorrhoids is beyond me, but what can you expect if you ask a Philistine priest and diviner?]

So, here's my puzzle. Who took the hemorrhoid photos and the golden mice?

And the Levites took down the ark of the LORD, and the coffer that was with it, wherein the jewels of gold were, and put them on the great stone. 1 Samuel 6:15

I knew it. It was the Jews!!! Once again, we learn from the Bible, you cannot trust a Jew!

Hiram's Mother's Tribal Affiliation

And king Solomon sent and fetched Hiram out of Tyre. He was a widow's son of the tribe of Naphtali, and his father was a man of Tyre, a worker in brass. 1 Kings 7:13-14

And now I have sent a cunning man, endued with understanding, of Huram my father's, the son of a woman of the daughters of Dan, and his father was a man of Tyre, skilful to work in gold, and in silver, in brass. 2 Chronicles 2:13-14

Tribal affiliation passes from father to child. Hiram's maternal grandfather was of Naphtali, whereas his maternal grandmother was of the tribe of Dan.

Hiram's Pillars

Stupidest athiest-claimed Biblical contradiction ever:

For he cast two pillars of brass, of eighteen cubits high apiece: and a line of twelve cubits did compass either of them about. 1 Kings 7:14

Also he made before the house two pillars of thirty and five cubits high, and the chapiter that was on the top of each of them was five cubits. 2 Chronicles 3:15

So Hiram made two pillars of brass of eighteen cubits high apiece, and also two pillars of thirty and five cubits high (not counting the chapiter that was on the top of each of them). It says "also" right in the Bible. How can anyone possibly take this as a contradiction?

Hiram's Bathhouse of the Lord

And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other.... it contained two thousand baths. 1 Kings 7:23-26

Also he made a molten sea of ten cubits from brim to brim.... and it received and held three thousand baths. 2 Chronicles 4:5

More athiest tripe to dispense with. In the rainy season, Solomon kept the molden sea filled all the way (3,000 baths). In the dry season, when water was scarce, he drew it down to the tune of 1,000 baths, leaving 2,000.

Hiram Becomes An Admiral

And king Solomon made a navy of ships in Eziongeber, which is beside Eloth, on the shore of the Red sea, in the land of Edom. And Hiram sent in the navy his servants, shipmen that had knowledge of the sea, with the servants of Solomon. And they came to Ophir, and fetched from thence gold, four hundred and twenty talents, and brought it to king Solomon. 1 Kings 9:26-28

Then went Solomon to Eziongeber, and to Eloth, at the sea side in the land of Edom. And Huram sent him by the hands of his servants ships, and servants that had knowledge of the sea; and they went with the servants of Solomon to Ophir, and took thence four hundred and fifty talents of gold, and brought them to king Solomon. 2 Chronicles 8:18

Some of you athiests can't read, so I'll take this really, really slowly for you:

1) Hiram sent in the navy and fetched 420 talents of gold, which he brought to Solomon.

2) Huram isn't Hiram. Hiram has an "I" in his name. Huram has a "U."

3) In addition to Hiram and the navy, Solomon also sent Huram to bring some gold.

4) Huram sent in the merchant marine, not the navy, and brought 450 talents to Solomon. That’s because the merchant ships could hold more gold than navy ships, since the navy also had to carry cannons or whatever they used to fight back then.

So, what have we learned here? Solomon was very wise. Wise people don't entrust all of their treasure to one person, especially when that person is a Jew. You simply cannot trust a Jew!

Where Did Moses Recieve The Tablets

This is important for the calculation of applicable sales and gift taxes:

And he gave unto Moses, when he had made an end of communing with him upon mount Sinai, two tables of testimony, tables of stone, written with the finger of God. Exodus 31:18

There was nothing in the ark save the two tables of stone, which Moses put there at Horeb, when the LORD made a covenant with the children of Israel, when they came out of the land of Egypt. 1 Kings 8:9

Obviously God gave the tablets to Moses at Sinai. Moses only put them in the ark when the Hebrews wandered into Horeb. They must have been heavy, I don't blame Moses a bit for deciding not to carry them around for forty years.

Lord of Light and Shadows

The Lord said that he would dwell in the thick darkness. 1 Kings 8:12

Clouds and darkness are round about him. Psalm 97:2

Lord of lords; who only hath immortality, dwelling in the light.
1 Timothy 6:15-16

I have surely built thee [i.e., God] an house to dwell in. 1 Kings 8:13


The Most High dwelleth not in temples made with hands. Acts 7:48

Unfortunately, he surely forgot to install windows for God to look out, which explains why God moved as soon as he could get a good deal on a mortgage through Ditech (sometime between the end of the Old Testament and the beginning of the New).

He Who Could Cast the First Stone

There is no man that sinneth not. 1 Kings 8:46

For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:8

Death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned. Romans 5:14

Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not. 1 John 3:6

Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. 1 John 3:9

We know that whosoever is born of God sinneth not. 1 John 5:18

I'm sure we'll be revisiting this tricky piece of theology eventually, but here's the 25 cent tour:

1) There were people who had not sinned before Moses. They died. But not in the flood.

2) Between Moses and Jesus, nobody lived without sinning (of course not, they were all Jews by then).

3) Jesus never sinned. Jesus was born of God. In fact, Jesus was the only person born of God. Whosoever is born of God sinneth not. QED.

4) Nobody who lived after Jesus has been without sin (even our beloved President George W. Bush smoked a reefer or two back in the early 70's).

5) When you abide in Jesus, you are not a sinner. That doesn't mean you were never a sinner. it just means you aren't a sinner anymore.

6) The best way to keep yourself from sinning is to keep your hands in your pockets, ensuring that your seed remains inside you. Unless you're a Jew, then try keeping you hands in your own pockets to help you keep them out of somebody else's.