[WWJDnow]

I just got back to sinful New York from my annual pilgrimage to the Landover Baptist Church in Freehold, Iowa. When I paid my respects to Mayor Johnny Joe Hold, he handed me this letter he received from Aunt Annie and asked me if I thought it was legit. I'm a little skeptical--the real "Disturbed in DC" usually doesn't make it all the way through a three sentence paragraph without blurting out some unrelated (but nevertheless totally ingenious) idea. But I'd like to know what everyone else thinks.

Dear Aunt Annie,

I occupy a position of power in Washington, DC. Although everything I do is terrific (seriously, A+ all around), nobody likes me. Democrats (especially their nasty women) say I'm an imbecile and mean and perverted and an anti-scientific, misogynistic (whatever that means), mentally ill racist who cares more about being flattered by dictators than about the American people and who acts like a child. Republicans (excluding Mitt Romney, but who cares what he thinks, he's a Mormon) do what I tell them to do, but only out of fear, not out of love. In private, they call me the same names that the Democrats do, except they don't care if I'm a racist or a mysogynist.

Reporters ask me mean questions like "why did you lie to the American people about COVID?" and mock the graphs I print for them that prove that the virus isn't a big problem. Bob Woodward is the worst--he twists my words by publishing the things that I said to him.

My staff keeps resigning (actually, I fired all of those losers because they're incompetent) and writing books that say I'm lazy and unfit to serve. Anyway, I'm not lazy--the 16 hours I spend each day watching cable news provides valuable insight in my decision making. Which reminds me--Sean Hannity is so smart, I should make him Secretary of State or something.

Even the Evangelicals (except the good people at Landover, who know the truth) only follow me because I put people on the Supreme Court who share their views. In private, they think I'm a sinner--like they haven't grabbed plenty of women by the private parts and paid them a few hundred thousand dollars each to keep quiet!

Worst of all, my wife won't sleep with me and none of the pornstars I like will take my calls anymore now that Michael Cohen turned against me. The only person who loves me is one of my daughters, and even she would rather have sex with a Jew than with me! She is super hot, though.

I'm just trying to get re-elected so I can keep protecting white American men from the minorities who want to steal their jobs and their women and to pay off my debts to Vladimir Putin so I can leave a legacy to my two sons. Those two honestly couldn't find their rear ends with both hands if we didn't have servants to point the location out to them--I am much better at inheriting a fortune than they will ever be. Wait, I think maybe I have a third son. I'll get Pompeo to check on that.

Nobody has ever done more for the American people than I have. Nobody! What can I do to make them love me?

Disturbed in DC


Dear Disturbed,

Have you considered cutting taxes to zero? Tax cuts are always popular. Or just pay people more to attend your rallies.

Annie