[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Any motorist in rural Iowa has no doubt seen the scourge of our county roads: The Amish Buggy.

Ever since I became sheriff I have made it a point to stop these fruitcakes wherever convenient, and today was just such an occasion.

The road was pretty quiet this morning, except for the characteristic, stupid black buggy in front of me.

Being an Officer of the Law, I knew that the buggy was just a little too far over into my lane to justify its presence on the road.

In my opinion it's already too much that we let these jokers onto the shoulder of the road, but now that's not good enough for them and they want their left wheel half way into my lane.

Well I would have none of this so I quickly sped around the buggy, slammed on my brakes, and came skidding to a halt in front of the buggy.

I flipped my lights on and jumped out of my cruiser, ready for anything.

"Hey bud, you ever see those signs along the road that are captioned, 'Share the Road,' and have a picture of an Amish buggy on them?" I inquired.

"Yes, sir" said the bearded bozo with the reins.

"Well I didn't see where it said you could take up half my lane with your big stupid cart!" I said.

I was in a really good mood this morning so I decided to give the Amish man a chance.

"Okay buster, I'll let you go if you can provide me a single citation of scripture that says you must never cut your beard."

He cited Psalm 133:1-2, and I immediately whipped out my pocket Bible and read the relevant verses.

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity!

It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron's beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments;

I stared at him blankly for about a minute before I told him he needs to go back to Bible 101 class.

"Out of the cart!" I demanded.

The Amish guy got out of his seat and I started rummaging through the cargo he was hauling.

You never know what these guys might be growing and transporting out in the wild.

He might even have a bomb!

While I was digging through boxes of quilts I asked, "Just for fun, can you give me a Bible verse that commands you to wear big stupid black hats?"

Of course there isn't a verse that says you have to wear hats, and this is just another one of their stupid made-up rules.

"How about a verse that prohibits using musical instruments to praise God?"

This was his third and final strike.

"Have you read the Bible, you furry, cart-driving, hat-wearing Amish blasphemer?"

We had a long chat about stupid made-up rules and what the Bible says about adding and subtracting from the Holy Word of God.

In the end I let him go with a $260 dollar fine and a list of scripture I expect him to read.

This county would fall apart without me here.