Brother Cranky - if I may add one more to your list.
I found this in the mail the other day, cancer is also an excuse for masturbation and touching yourself
The Bible is clear on these two sins;
1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Galatians 5:16 This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh.
Galatians 5:17 For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.
Also, you women should
NEVER attempt a breast exam.