Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ -
Godly parents, please be vigilant for signs of this deviance in your children!
It has come to my attention that one of my stepchildren is a thumbsucker. Out of all six of my husband's questionable spawn, she is the only female
and the only one who sucks her thumb (go figure
). When I caught her in the act and scolded her, she claimed that she wasn't even aware that she was doing it ... the little lying daughter of Eve! Out of concern for her soul (assuming she has one, being female and also
artificially conceived), I mentioned this aberrant behavior to Mr. McIrish who waved me away dismissively, said something like "she'll grow out of it," and went on gulping down his Guinness.
Although my husband didn't seem too concerned, this bizarre discovery was gnawing at my heart. As usual, I prayed and consulted the Bible for answers ... and as usual, the Bible didn't disappoint! Praise GOD and his faithful Word!
According to Scripture, the only "sucking" allowed is that which involves feeding babies (Joel 2:16, Matthew 21:16, 1 Samuel 1:23); breasts (Job 3:12, Isaiah 60:16); eating honey from rocks (Deuteronomy 32:13); snakes that poison the wicked (Job 20:16); or blood-drinking eagles (Job 39:30). Nothing whatsoever about the sucking of thumbs.
So not only is thumbsucking
not KJV1611-approved, but it very well might be a sin ... a sin which will lead to greater, more devious sins of the flesh! What if this girlchild involves others in her perverted sucking fetish? We all know females are born temptresses (Genesis 3:6), and I fear she will corrupt her brothers into masturbation or adultery (1 Corinthians 6:18) or, Jesus forbid, turn them to the gaywise lifestyle (Leviticus 18:22).
God is so good, ALL the time. According to His Word, there are remedies to nip this thumbsucking (and its grim, domino-effect aftermath) right in the bud to prevent fornication and homosexuality in our household: cover the girl's thumb in blood to discourage sucking (Exodus 29:20), or remove the thumb entirely, leaving nothing to suck (Judges 1:6-7)! I am tending towards the latter, in the interest of time and all involved; the children live primarily with their dimbulb unsaved whore of a mother, who cannot be counted upon to religiously coat the girl's thumb with blood and break the bad habit. I will have to consult with Mr. McIrish, of course, for his permission and to determine the best method of amputation.
There it is, straight from God's Mouth to our ears: NO thumb = NO sin!
Yours in Christ,
Mrs. Paddy McIrish