True Christian™ moles being at the forefront of detecting Satan's entertainment as they are, Satan will have to try harder to sneak his sulfur-stained wiles past the Godly™. And a workin' our moles have been! Just one series of threatening emails from Yours Truly and my son Connor and the game blogs have fired back by prematurely announcing to the world what their latest hell-piece is, the continuation of the GTA series called Grand Theft Auto 5.
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The folks over at Rockstar Games have been teasing us with Grand Theft Auto V videos that are just long enough to scratch our GTA itch but too short to reveal any important details. So, even though we've gotten to know the game's characters, we haven't seen much gameplay. But today, Rockstar was kind enough to show off some in-game footage for their upcoming opus, and I must admit, it looks incredible.
Last week, we learned that Grand Theft Auto V would require two disks: an install disk, which manages most of the environmental data, and a gameplay disc. Anyone who played a game on the PlayStation 2 is undoubtedly familiar with this system, but considering the capacity of today's DVDs, we were all a little surprised. But now that we've actually seen some of GTA5's mechanical elements, the need for more disk space is less surprising.
The world of Grand Theft Auto V, a caricaturized version of Southern California, is simultaneously filthy and lush, extravagant and rundown. It can be all of these things because of its size. The attractive-sounding woman who provides the voiceover for today's trailer describes it thusly: "A sprawling, satirical reimagining of modern Southern California, covering mountains and oceans, expensive stores and strip malls, urban decay and untouched wilderness, beaches and backwoods, the sublime and the ridiculous, greed and hypocrisy."
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A highly anticipated game, GTA V is due for release September 17, 2013 for the PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360. Releases for the PC and Wii U are being considered by Rockstar, but have not been officially announced.
Well, folks, there just isn't any easy way to say these things so bear with me, but here are those "important details" that have been missing...
As one can see from the trailer, three depraved LA homosexuals on a quest for materialism commit unspeakable acts between episodes of murder, rape, theft (of course!), and mixing races. The True Christian™ moles who initially hacked in to come about this information have uncovered many secret levels where orgies occur, where the three males go at it to get things started, and where President Obama himself lends a hand with Bill Ayers when firebombing churches becomes necessary. Bonus points are awarded for pimping and running brothels, selling cocaine, and marrying a sassy-mouthed multi-culti diva.
About midway through, it is time to do legal damage. Your characters must sue whites for discrimination and for reading the Bible and praying in public schools. Doing so can open hidden levels for those with transexual fantasies. When one becomes a "baby daddy," they are awarded The Satanic Bible with its curses and chants that cause misfortune to all Christians.
On the final level, the three males must masturbate in their fecal matter and then pray over a pentagram-marked altar doused in sheep's blood where they formally give their lives over to Lord Lucifer in order to rule LA and then the world (that will be in part 6). The game ends with your naked fecalpheliac characters chanting praises to a massive goat head as the camera pans out from their new lair.
Satan is trying hard, folks, but we are onto him. With your awareness and prayers, we can warn the world about this next most diabolical tool of darkness.
"Therefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time." (Revelation 12:12)
Pastor Ed