Um, erh, about the water in South Carolina. OK, it is true that the growth hormones that we feed to cattle and chickens at our corporate factory farms do have a few side-effects, but look at the benefits. Our beef cattle grow fatter faster, producing delicious meat. Our dairy cows produce far more milk. Likewise, our chickens grow faster, and lay more eggs. As a result, corporate profits and CEO bonuses increase dramatically.
Of course, environwackos, animal rights terrorists and a few loud-mouthed liberal doctors make a big deal about the fact that these growth hormones stay in the food and water, and cause obesity, cancer, autism and sexual dysfunction in humans. Fortunately, we've got the FDA stacked with our people. And then there is that little issue about water runoff from the factory farms, but our campaign contributions have assured a compliant EPA as well. So there's no need to worry - I'm certainly not worried, but then again, I wouldn't set foot in South Carolina without wearing a hazmat suit.
Our chicken-processing facility in South Carolina meets the EPA's high standards
Despite the fact that fish caught in South Carolina typically have skin tumors and six eyes, I think it's totally unfair to blame the sexual perversions of Republican politicians on the contaminated water. For one thing, Republican elites would never drink tap water - they only drink imported bottled water like Perrier and Evian. In fact, I use it to fill the swimming pool and jacuzzi at my mansions. And I eat only 100% imported Australian beef, and imported milk from New Zealand, cheese from Europe. You'd have to be crazy to eat the American-raised beef at McDonald's and Taco Bell, especially since occasionally one of our sub-minimum wage illegal workers loses a few fingers or hands at our meat-packing plants. Thank the Lord that we can immediately deport the mangled workers, and thus not be liable for their medical expenses.
The choice for discerning jacuzzi owners
Anyway, the important point to remember is that in a Godly free-market society like America's, you aren't
required to eat and drink safe food and water. You have free choice, and consumers need to take individual responsibility. So if you swim in a river near one of our meat-packing plants and get hepatitis and cancer as a result, you've only yourself to blame. Next time, fly your LearJet to the French Riviera and avoid these problems - if I can do it, so can everybody else.