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Default Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-18-2010, 10:07 AM

"A lifetime of wisdom freely given to all."

I already created guides for making children and for raising children. At some point however, the children are raised and it is time to get rid of them. Also some children turn out to be complete failures, because your wife did something wrong, in which case you need to get rid of them even sooner. Please don't waste my time with stupid questions about this guide.

Read all of them: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to MAKING CHILDREN, RAISING CHILDREN and GETTING RID OF CHILDREN!

The easy ones
In many cases children leave their home by themselves. For some reason most of my children left the house as soon as it was legally allowed. You will have to make sure they marry a proper True Christian™ partner and it might take some extra tithing to the Church to get a Pastor to help you with that. The more you tithe, the better their partner will be. But other than that, these are the easy cases. In the rest of this guide I will explain how you can handle the tougher cases like young children and ugly girls.

Getting rid of unborn children
This is an extreme measure that only should only be taken in extreme cases. An example would be your wife getting pregnant while you didn't have sex with her. In general abortion is not allowed because of Exodus 20:13. However if you strictly follow Exodus 21:22-25, it is just a matter of killing the doctor who did the procedure and your soul will still be fine. Since 1st Peter 2:13-17 states we have to follow secular law you will have to do all this on one of these Dutch abortion ships while being on international waters. So it is a complicated procedure, but it is possible. Don't forget to divorce your wife and get a new one after all this. God will take care of further punishing your wife as explained in Hebrews 13:4.

Getting rid of babies and young children (age 0-12)
If your wife failed you and your child turns out to be a failure as a result of that, the best way to get rid of them is to send them on a sleepover at your wife's parents. After sending them on the sleepover just never pick them up again. After all, they are the cause of the problem as they raised your wife. Depending on how your wife's parents respond to this you might have to move without sending them your new address.

Getting rid of older children (age 12-18)
As explained in Matthew 18:25, the Bible clearly allows you to sell your children. Depending on their limited skills there are various ways to acomplish this. In this modern day and age websites like eBay and craigslist are a great way to sell your failed children. You can find an example of how to sell your child on craigslist here.

Getting rid of ugly girls (age 18-)
Provided you didn't solve the problem sooner, perhaps the girl didn't seem that ugly when she was younger or you just never paid any attention to her, there is an easy strategy to get rid of an ugly girl. Get her raped! Just let her watch 5 minutes of Disney television so she figures our how to dress like a whore. Then when she is dressed like a whore, just drop her at the nearest bar when it is very late and everyone is drunk and then wait until she gets raped. Depending on how ugly she is this might take several tries. After that, as explained in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, she will have to marry her rapist after which she will be her husband's problem. You will even get a nice sum of money for this. If she refuses to marry her rapist, just read Brother Percy's What can you do if your daughter refuses to marry her rapist. If the rapists refuses to marry her once he sobers up, just getting him drunk again and a trip to Las Vegas should be an easy fix.

Getting rid of stupid sons (age 18-)
If your son turns out to have your wife's brains instead of yours you have a serious problem. Getting rid of stupid sons is one of the toughest cases. Unfortunately they tend to never leave the home on their own and they also fail at finding a proper wife. The only way to solve this is to find a True Christian™ father having problems getting rid of a stupid or ugly daughter and make a deal to help each other solve this problem. Unfortunately even after the kids get married, they can still cause you some trouble as explained here by Brother James: Where are our Grandchildren?

Conclusion
Congratulations! You now know everything you need to know about making children, raising children and getting rid of children. If you actually achieved all these things the only thing left is to wait for death so you can go to Heaven. The best way to conclude this guide is of course with the word of God: Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-18-2010, 10:18 AM

Your wisdom is overwhelming Cranky Old Man. Thank you for this useful guide, the Lord has a great servant in you. I will bookmark this thread right away, because my daugther is most likely ready to be sent away by now, after all she just turned four. My first thougth was to sent her to a christian boarding school, but now that I have read your suggestion, I will reconsider my wifes parrents instead.




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Ephesians 5:23_(King James Version)"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body."
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-18-2010, 11:12 AM

Brother COM,
What are your thoughts about handling this kind of problem by enlisting the offending child in the Military? They say they don't see the volunteers sex anymore so it will work for almost any child.


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-18-2010, 11:20 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis View Post
Brother COM, What are your thoughts about handling this kind of problem by enlisting the offending child in the Military? They say they don't see the volunteers sex anymore so it will work for almost any child.
Unfortunately with Obama making our army all gay this no longer is a good solution. Also the army usually is temporary. At some point they come back home and then you still will have to get rid of them.


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To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-20-2010, 01:18 AM

What an absolutely sterling article, I have a son of 6 who I'm starting to think might have inherited some of my wife's mental capabilities. He continues to struggle to learn pages of his Bible off by heart no matter how hard and frequently I beat him for it.
I'll give him a chance to improve and then start applying your advice on how to rid myself of him, thanks COM .


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A woman came up to me the other day, 12/6/2016 and said:
"But Mr. Winner, if GOD loves everyone then why is there so much suffering in the world?"

Because GOD doesn't love everyone. Too many people have this absurd idea in their heads that GOD is all loving.
If he was all loving, then murderers, thieves and homosexuals would be waiting for you in Heaven.

GOD doesn't open his gate to just anyone. Being a True Christian™ is like a Queue Jump ticket at Disney, we are guaranteed a ride with JESUS.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-20-2010, 02:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WinnerNotSinner View Post
What an absolutely sterling article, I have a son of 6 who I'm starting to think might have inherited some of my wife's mental capabilities. He continues to struggle to learn pages of his Bible off by heart no matter how hard and frequently I beat him for it.
I'll give him a chance to improve and then start applying your advice on how to rid myself of him, thanks COM .
Take it from me, nip it in the bud early otherwise it ends in heartbreak.


1 Chronicles 16:15
Be ye mindful always of his covenant; the word which he commanded to a thousand generations ... an everlasting covenant.
Proverbs 30:5,6: Every word of God is pure: he is a shield unto them that put their trust in him.
Add thou not unto his words, lest he reprove thee, and thou be found a liar.

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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-20-2010, 02:34 AM

Not having any kids of my own I'm usually trying to get rid of other people's kids. If anyone can help me with these dudes, please let me know.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-20-2010, 04:42 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nobar King View Post
Not having any kids of my own I'm usually trying to get rid of other people's kids. If anyone can help me with these dudes, please let me know.
Well I loaned a couple of my dogs to Brother Cranky and it seemed to work for him, would you like to borrow a couple for a week?


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-28-2010, 06:05 PM

Good one Mr. Cranky
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 08:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Getting rid of babies and young children (age 0-12)
If your wife failed you and your child turns out to be a failure as a result of that, the best way to get rid of them is to send them on a sleepover at your wife's parents. After sending them on the sleepover just never pick them up again. After all, they are the cause of the problem as they raised your wife. Depending on how your wife's parents respond to this you might have to move without sending them your new address.
[...]
Getting rid of ugly girls (age 18-)
Provided you didn't solve the problem sooner, perhaps the girl didn't seem that ugly when she was younger or you just never paid any attention to her, there is an easy strategy to get rid of an ugly girl. Get her raped! Just let her watch 5 minutes of Disney television so she figures our how to dress like a whore. Then when she is dressed like a whore, just drop her at the nearest bar when it is very late and everyone is drunk and then wait until she gets raped. Depending on how ugly she is this might take several tries. After that, as explained in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, she will have to marry her rapist after which she will be her husband's problem. You will even get a nice sum of money for this. If she refuses to marry her rapist, just read Brother Percy's What can you do if your daughter refuses to marry her rapist. If the rapists refuses to marry her once he sobers up, just getting him drunk again and a trip to Las Vegas should be an easy fix.
uh, that was entertaining yet disturbing ... and here I thought you love at least the people in your community not to speak of your very own children - I mean, your raped daughter will go to Hell because of you!
Moreover, there are other solutions, for example plastic surgery ...

oh, and for young babies:
- adoptation by others (totally legal)
- using contraceptives (pill, spiral, condoms, ...) when having sex
- not having sex at all
where the last one seems to be the most Christian to me (but what do I know?)

well, make your children into good True Christians by abandoning or letting them being raped

if this als was a joke please excuse and ignore my answer
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 08:38 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luca2007 View Post
your raped daughter will go to Hell because of you!
Not if she marries her rapist as God demands: Deuteronomy 22:28-29 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days."

Quote:
adoptation by others (totally legal)
True, that would also be an option. Adoption is a lengthy complicated procedure though, as where the options in my excellent guide can be executed in just a few days.

Quote:
using contraceptives (pill, spiral, condoms, ...) when having sex
This is not allowed. Sex should be for making babies. Genesis 1:28 "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."

Quote:
not having sex at all
An excellent option, but my guide is for those who failed at that option.


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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 08:56 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Not if she marries her rapist as God demands.
ah, ok, that sounds nice. But isn't it nonetheless sex BEFORE marriage? so marrying afterwards might not be as bad as not marrying but marrying as a vrigin is the only acceptable way I thought?
I mean, suppose everybody had sex before marriage and then marry the one who they claim to "have been raped by" - isn't that just some hidden way to escape virginity before marriage?
uh, this is quite confusing, but you see my point ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
True, that would also be an option. Adoption is a lengthy complicated procedure though, as where the options in my excellent guide can be executed in just a few days.
true, but don't you think theay will just stop by and drop your child by your house again? and then you drop it at theirs again (if they let you and not contact the lawyer) and so it goes on ... in the end you may end up paying alimony!! thats even worse than just filling in some documents ...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
This is not allowed. Sex should be for making babies. Genesis 1:28 "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth."
okay, but this does not permitt contraception but only tells you to make as many babies as possible... so having sex with your wife while she is pregnant or after she is infertile (for example through some illness) should be absolutely problemfree, or did I misconcieve something?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
An excellent option, but my guide is for those who failed at that option.
I see, yet I think that anyone who ever had an orgasm will indeed find that hard to accomplish ...
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 09:05 AM

oh, and antother three points I would like to illustrate this discussion with

1. letting your child being raised by somebody else, how can you make sure it turns into a True Christian? he/she might go to Hell because you missed to save him/her!
2. abandoning your child will most likely doom it into poverty, promiscuity and criminality --> Hell
3. beating a pregnant women might cause your up-to-that-point perfectly healthy child to become disabled (and as far as I understood things here, disabled children are a sign for original sin of their parents or ancestors whatsoever, which would all fall back on you - no good)

btw, did YOUR parents treat you like that? I bet you had a loving upbringing to the man you are now - something every child would like to have ...
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 01:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luca2007 View Post
ah, ok, that sounds nice. But isn't it nonetheless sex BEFORE marriage? so marrying afterwards might not be as bad as not marrying but marrying as a vrigin is the only acceptable way I thought?
It is the highly preferred way, but not the only way.

Quote:
true, but don't you think theay will just stop by and drop your child by your house again?
Which is why I also suggested to move without giving them your new address.

Quote:
okay, but this does not permitt contraception but only tells you to make as many babies as possible... so having sex with your wife while she is pregnant or after she is infertile (for example through some illness) should be absolutely problemfree, or did I misconcieve something?
You should never have sex for fun, sex should only be for making babies.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Luca2007 View Post
1. letting your child being raised by somebody else, how can you make sure it turns into a True Christian? he/she might go to Hell because you missed to save him/her!
If the child had True Christian™ potential, you would not have to get rid of it.

Quote:
2. abandoning your child will most likely doom it into poverty, promiscuity and criminality --> Hell
The fact that you decided to get rid of the child means it is already destined for hell anyway.

Quote:
3. beating a pregnant women might cause your up-to-that-point perfectly healthy child to become disabled
A good beating should always hurt but never damage. This might take a little practice.

Quote:
btw, did YOUR parents treat you like that? I bet you had a loving upbringing to the man you are now - something every child would like to have ...
My father beat the fear of God into me. I am grateful for that since it means I will go to Heaven.


CANCER is a state of mind! Time to stop ALL healthcare!!!
Follow me on Twitter or burn in Hell for all eternity!

To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 07:20 PM

all you searchless baptist ppl - are you serious or just stupid? what do you think you are, better ppl? nah i dont think so.
you'll need a lil bit more braincells in your tiny lil whole head to get a lil bit more thought about whatcha doin?' yea i think sooo

you racism ppl are against godless and intelligent ppl? why? is it coz you all are juust jealus? coz they've got brain what you donnot had and will never have?
you are soooooooooooooooooooo cheap an easy blurry muffle dumb signs of what god have made. God have made stupid ppl coz god are dumb too

and yes i hate godbelieber ppl and kill them, coz you dunno know what it feels to got a brain

love youuuuuuu so much, i luv this entertaining
dumb entertaining
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 07:23 PM

First of all, this is NOT a debate forum. Please read THIS thread before making an even bigger fool of yourself.

Secondly, while the internets might seem to be "free" to you, this particular corner of the internets is a privately owned Christian forum. The rights you have on this forum are listed HERE. Please contact a Pastor immediately if you feel that any of your rights have been violated.

Finally, your unsaved opinions or tantrums are not even slightly of interest to us. We follow the Holy Word of God TO THE LETTER, and make no apologies for that. One of the most important commandments in the Bible tells us to avoid unsaved scum such as yourself. You wandered in here uninvited, and unwelcome .


Please make a thread of your own in the "Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.

And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit enter you and chase the demons out of your rectum and let Jesus fill you with His Grace. If you use your God-given free will to reject Christ and His temporary death on the cross for my sins, then you are sending yourself to hellfire.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 07:36 PM

you turn up theses that doesn't exist, how can you say, that this and this is bad and must rid off?
i mean, have YOU thought about YOUR consequenzes in what you're doing? i dont think so
Only dumb people where cannot thought about consequenzes are on your side and blurry this shit out and turn up this stupid theses.
God is ashamed of you - he looks down and shaken his head and thought to himself "oh dear what stupid ppl i made???" poor god
But we ALL know that he doesn't exists and will never do

and four youuu personall......
take your shit and go with your only 1 tiny lil finger in your anus coz you havent the balls to piffle yourself hard right now?

a women with intelligents will never marry you, poor lil dumb stupid man who pushes himself on the top with those shit to satisfied his ego
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 07:41 PM

Does anyone here speak eskimo? I can't understand a thing this squaw is saying. It's all just clicks and grunts to me.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 07:48 PM

may you hear your own voices?
awww i'm sorry 4 you that you may hear your farts and so on
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Default Re: Cranky Old Man's Easy Guide to GETTING RID OF CHILDREN! - 08-30-2010, 08:01 PM

I learned this on another forum:
Quote:
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen - - It's time, once again, for our favorite Soap Opera, "Castenets Time In Brazil"!!


This is really very simple.

You tell her that in 1 month, you're both going on a "daughter/mother vacation" to Brazil. How fun! You tell her that you're both going to take in the sights and local culture - - for a change of atmosphere and to get her mind off things for a couple of weeks. That's the story you tell her.

Then, you take yourself and her to get your pictures taken for your Passports.

Then, after you get your Passports, you buy two tickets to Brazil - - a round trip ticket for you, and a one-way ticket for her (starting to get the picture?).

You both fly to Brazil.

You get into a cab from the airport and go to the hotel where you've previously made room arrangements.

You get to the hotel and get to your rooms, but do not unpack your bags!

After getting her settled into her room, you take her Passport without letting her see you. You then tell her you're going to the gift shop for a magazine.

However, the reality is that you're going to the front desk with an envelope. In the envelope is two hundred dollars in Brazilian money, and your note to her - -

"Dear Sweety Pie: So, you think you're old enough to dislike me and Dad, and to give us continual trouble? Then you're old enough to take care of yourself. I hope you like your new home and country. New languages are fun to learn, aren't they? Here's $200.00 to get you started in life. Don't waste it. Love, Mom."

Have the hotel clerk deliver the envelope to her room.

Then, you turn on your heels, take your bags out of the hotel, hail a cab, and get back to the airport. Fly home.

Let Brazil take care of her.

IAAL
See- easy!


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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