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Thumbs up New technology: How to stop your child from masturbating! - 03-16-2010, 11:34 PM

Brothers and Sisters, as all True Christian™ parents here likely realize, when your children grow up, they will eventually discover the temptations of the flesh, and, if you spot this too late, even start touching themselves to explore the possibilities.

Of course, this kind of behaviour is very repulsive and offensive to the Lord Jesus Christ, who, being omnipresent, has to watch every sigh and every groan, and being omniscient, is at the same time completely aware of whatever filth is on the mind of the person committing this sin. It is for good reason that Paul wrote:

1 Corinthians 6:15-20:

Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid. What? know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, saith he, shall be one flesh.
But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

So, all kinds of measures have been taken by True Christian™ parents against this evil, with mixed results. Look here for example for various traditional suggestions to keep your son from sinning. So far, beating seems to work in most cases, while in extreme cases amputation of the sinful bodily parts is suggested by the Lord Jesus Himself:

Matthew 5:29-30:
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

However, an end has come to these troubling, embarrassing issues, thanks to a new technological innovation: The Houdini Locking Steel C*ck Chastity!



Quote:
The tubular steel design makes it impossible to masturbate with this in place and the ratcheting cuff makes sure it stays put until the keymaster is in the mood to release you. The cuff can be double-locked, meaning this won't tighten accidentally - pretty important for long term wear! The open end means long term wear and bathroom use is possible. Available in 2 sizes. Small (shown upright) has a 1 3/16" inner diamater tube 3 1/2" in length with a 5/8" D-ring welded at the tip for attachments or leashes. Large (shown laying down) has a 1 5/16" inner diameter tube 4" in length and has a angle iron support at top for attachments. One key supplied, see my below for additional keys, sold separately.
Using this ingenious device, True Christian™ parents can now make sure that their sons will not be tempted into despicable sin by desecrating the Temple of Jesus Christ, their own bodies (just return the keys to them after they are married). Praise Jesus!


Sweet Lord Jesus,
I want to pray for those who persecute me, my Lord.
Please, treat their children as you treated those of Egypt, when they upset you! (Psalm 135:8-9)
Dash their little children against the stones for their fathers iniquity! (Psalm 137:8-9)
Hit them on the cheek, and smash out their teeth! (Psalm 3:7)
Make their death and descent into Hell swift and terrible! (Psalm 55:15)
Scatter their broken bodies over the streets of their evil cities, like Benghazi, Amsterdam, Tokyo and Mecca! (Psalm 110:6)
Praised be Your Glorious Name™.

Amen.

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