[Ezekiel Bathfire]

Landover’s Guaranteed “No Covid Club”

Introduction and Biblical Basis:

It is often said that Landover is like any other Church. This is true only inasmuch as that it requires that its congregation hold some basic Christian values as self-evident. This, for the majority, is no hardship. The Bible, which is written in simple, clear, and unambiguous terms, is there for the guidance of everyone.

A basic value, common to all Churches, is that the member believes in God, and, as a consequence, a loss of faith - for whatever reason - will mean shunning, banishment, casting into the “outer darkness” (M't:8:12 But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth, and 2Th:3:14: And if any man obey not our word by this epistle, note that man, and have no company with him, that he may be ashamed.), etc.

The Prophet reminds us that there are costs to being a member of any congregation. It is not that God needs money directly, or that you need money directly (M't:6:19: Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:) but that earthly works need an earthy source Mal:3:8: Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Yes, God could simply do endless miracles and save us from Covid for free, but that would rather be like doing everything for your child – what use would that be to him in life? God has given us a whole range of occupations to choose from, and thus we should be doing them Gen:4:20-22 such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle, handle the harp and organ, artificer in brass and iron, etc . And God wants you to be a contributing member of society (2Th:3:10: For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.)

The Scheme:

It is simple: You pay $100 a week and Landover guarantees that as long as you abide by the basic beliefs in God (see terms and conditions of Landover) you will remain Covid-Free!

The Biblical Science behind the scheme:

We took 100 members of the congregation at random. To avoid any bias or chance of cheating, they were not told about the service they were doing for God and Landover.

We observed the members and noted the care and protection given to them by God.

At the end of the 3 month trial, we found that we had had 30 cases of Covid and 3 deaths.

We interviewed both the survivors and the relatives of the deceased: the conclusions were quite remarkable. It appears that those who died had seriously upset God by a failure to follow the Bible to the letter, and those who survived and done the same but to a lesser extent.

The Terms:

The $100 is a small price to pay for peace of mind backed by God, Who has told Landover that He will protect you and those for whom a premium is paid.

• If you contract Covid during the term of your membership, it will be deemed that you have upset God.
• Landover, like other Churches, does not permit upsetting God, Who demands that we protect Him from the Damned. Such disrespectful and blasphemous actions are abominable – God is to be Praised and Honored .
• As it is widely accepted that Covid takes a week or two to become apparent, the date of your transgression will thus be backdated to the time that you committed the Sin.
• The penalty for transgression is shunning, banishment, casting into the “outer darkness” – you will no longer be a member of the “No Covid Club” effective from the date of your transgression or 10 days earlier than the diagnosis, which is ever the longer.

The Benefits:

• Landover guarantees Continuing Life and Health during the period in which membership is maintained.
• Landover also guarantees that Eternal Life, as promised by Jesus, and based on the same terms, will be yours also.
• Once Saved, Always Saved becomes “Once Protected from Covid, Always protected from Covid,” and naturally, if you choose to break the rules, you were never covered in the first place and your premiums are forfeit.

[Johny Joe Hold]

This is a wonderful program. The Church will benefit from this revenue and so many lives will be saved.

[James Hutchins]

God kills people because they are bad. The bible tells us so.

Amos 5:21 I hate, I despise your feast days, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.


God, being so infinitely clever, keeps his flock guessing. How is going to kill us today? Like a Wheel of Fortune. Disease? Apparent accident? Seemingly murder?

A famous man once said (I cannot recall who) "You spin the wheel and takes you choice'.


Honestly, for a mere $100, to take the 'Slow Death by Disease' slice off the Wheel of Death and replace it with a free pass is quite the deal.

[Mary Etheldreda]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

God kills people because they are bad. The bible tells us so.

And rightfully so. He is a Loving and Merciful God who gives people of His Choice ample warning before lovingly smiting them. When He adopts us into His Holy Family through our conversion He becomes a Father to us, a Loving Father who Lovingly disciplines us as He sees fit. The fact that He says this in both the Old and New Testaments means to sit up and pay attention because this is Important:

I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men,
and with the stripes of the children of men
2 Samuel 7:14

If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons;
for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
Hebrews 12:7

Anyone who dies from the discipline clearly did not receive it with the loving intentions with which it was administered. That is to say, they choose to go to Hell for all eternity. What a shame. And what a wonderful program Landover Baptist Church has to help encourage people to stay on the Straight and Narrow! Bless you Pastor Bathfire!

[James Hutchins]

Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda

And rightfully so. He is a Loving and Merciful God who gives people of His Choice ample warning before lovingly smiting them. When He adopts us into His Holy Family through our conversion He becomes a Father to us, a Loving Father who Lovingly disciplines us as He sees fit. The fact that He says this in both the Old and New Testaments means to sit up and pay attention because this is Important:

I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men,
and with the stripes of the children of men
2 Samuel 7:14

If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons;
for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?
Hebrews 12:7

Anyone who dies from the discipline clearly did not receive it with the loving intentions with which it was administered. That is to say, they choose to go to Hell for all eternity. What a shame. And what a wonderful program Landover Baptist Church has to help encourage people to stay on the Straight and Narrow! Bless you Pastor Bathfire!

Gosh, just think about it for a minute. Do not part with a measly $100 and you will go straight to Hell, no 'ifs', 'ands' or 'butts'.
I'll put a call in to Miss Cookie at the Church office and set up an autopay, I do not want to risk missing a single payment. My soul is much to important to squander on a silly oversight.

[Uncle Rutherford]

Does the No Covid club take money orders?