[Peacekeeper (Quarantined)]

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham? Do you beat him right away or wait till he finishes.

[Pastor Al E Pistle]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham? Do you beat him right away or wait till he finishes.

Please try to be a little less crude and disgusting when you post to this GODLY board, especially on Sunday Morning when we pastors are preparing for church.

In winter, the sin of Onan is dealt with by calling out the congregation, taking the offending person to the Ice Ponds and letting him swim for ten minutes or so or until he becomes hypothermic. Then he is forced to climb out over the ice and told to run back home in the nude as every girl in town chase es after him laughing and yelling taunts.

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham?

Friend, is that you in your avatar? What are you doing?

Dean

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham? Do you beat him right away or wait till he finishes.

Friend,

Is this something that happened to, shall we say, a "friend" (cough, cough) of your's?

[Peacekeeper (Quarantined)]

How would i know, my friends dont openly discuss masturbation. They arent homers. It hasnt happened to me because im more discreet about my jerking.

[Mrs. Mary Whitford]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

How would i know, my friends dont openly discuss masturbation. They arent homers. It hasnt happened to me because im more discreet about my jerking.

So you like to touch male genitalia away from your heterosexual friends? It's no wonder. They'd be as disgusted at the thought as we are.

[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

How would i know, my friends dont openly discuss masturbation. They arent homers. It hasnt happened to me because im more discreet about my jerking.

Perhaps you'd do well to "jerk" your Bible open to Genesis 38 and read what God did to Onan for spilling his seed outside of an appropriate female!

[Rachael Van Helsing]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

How would i know, my friends dont openly discuss masturbation. They arent homers. It hasnt happened to me because im more discreet about my jerking.

Seriously, dude, I'm pretty sure no-one wants to hear about your monkey-spanking!

[Pastor Ezekiel]

It is obvious that this homer is being called and re-called to our Godly forum for a reason. Jesus is calling on you to cease and desist in your perverted lifestyle, and accept Him before its too late.

Any further mention of your filthy degenerate sexual practices will result in infraction points, for your own good. We want to help you in any way we can to find God.

[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

It is obvious that this homer is being called and re-called to our Godly forum for a reason. Jesus is calling on you to cease and desist in your perverted lifestyle, and accept Him before its too late.

Any further mention of your filthy degenerate sexual practices will result in infraction points, for your own good. We want to help you in any way we can to find God.

Perhaps you should have him come to your study some night for a personal discussion, Pastor! Look what wonders it has done for Arethusa!

[Brother Love]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham? Do you beat him right away or wait till he finishes.

Friend you don't need to tell us what you're doing in your avatar pic. We ALREADY know! Are you blind yet? Is hair growing on the palms of your hands yet? Don't answer, please!

How dare you post this ABOMINATION on the SABBATH! God will surely strike you for this SIN and for your SIN of touching yourself! Obviously, you are one of the SONS OF DARKNESS since you engage in abomination with yourself.

Here's a suggestion for you if you ever want to be a True Christian. The next time you think of playing Master Bates with yourself try grapping on to the HOLY BIBLE KJV1611 and read the SCRIPTURES until your feelings for sexual torture and sin go away! If that doesn't work then perhaps you should be more BIBLICAL and REMOVE the MEMBER of your body which is OBVIOUSLY possessed by a DEMON!

[TwinkBoy]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

What do you do when you catch your kid jerking the ham? Do you beat him right away or wait till he finishes.

Well HELLO Peace-Keeper!! What a...a...fascinating...subject! I bet these people think it's all a "sin" and they suppose that their kid is "possessed" by some "devil" no doubt. Hmm..maybe they just outright kill them when they catch them..."spanking the MONKEY!"

FACT: Masturbation is a NATURAL human behavior! EVERYBODY does it!

[Appelfap.]

Indeed.
It's actually UNhealthy if you don't masturbate.
2-3 times a week is the best against prostate cancer.

Also: , what's with that dirty smiley?

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Appelfap.

Indeed.
It's actually UNhealthy if you don't masturbate.
2-3 times a week is the best against prostate cancer.

If you were good with God you wouldn't incure God's wrath and get cancer friend.

Originally Posted by Appelfap.

Also: , what's with that dirty smiley?

You find the correction of childern stimulation? Sicko.

[OnYourKnees]

Originally Posted by Appelfap.

Indeed.
It's actually UNhealthy if you don't masturbate.
2-3 times a week is the best against prostate cancer.

Also: , what's with that dirty smiley?

Where is the evidence for this, AppleEater? Or are you imagining, like the way False Christians imagine God to be what they want Him to be?

There's nothing dirty about indicating the whoopin' Pastor administers. It's Godly corrective action with the rod, as specified in the Bible.

Only a sick weirdo would turn Godly correction into something "dirty". Are you a sick weirdo, ApplePie?

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Appelfap.

Indeed.
It's actually UNhealthy if you don't masturbate.

Does this look healthy to you Applesmacker?





This is a file picture of a chronic masturbater. Masturbation also causes mental illness and participants run an unusually high risk of becoming homers. You'd better stop your blasphemy or the above picture is going to become your new avatar with the quote "Just call me Spanky" underneath it. You're a guest here; please act accordingly.

Dean

[Peacekeeper (Quarantined)]

Thats pretty gross but these facts will clear ya:
MYTH:

If you masturbate too much, you'll run out of semen and become sterile. FACT:

Semen is a fully renewable resource. When you ejaculate semen, your body simply makes more — the same way your body makes more saliva after you spit. MYTH:

Masturbation is for kids. FACT:

Masturbation is for everyone — teenagers and adults. In fact, most adults masturbate. Even most males who have been married for 10 years or more masturbate regularly, some nearly as often as when they were teens. MYTH:

Hardly anyone masturbates. FACT:

Well over 90% of teen males masturbate regularly, and about 98% of adults report they've masturbated at some time in their lives. MYTH:

Only homosexuals masturbate. FACT:

Another favorite among the "I don't need to masturbate, I get real sex" crowd. The truth is, most of these knock-'em-dead studs go home and masturbate, whether they have sexual partners or not. Then they feel guilty for masturbating (and maybe having a couple of gay fantasies along the way), so they try to get everyone else to feel guilty for masturbating, too. Stupid! MYTH:

Only losers masturbate. FACT:

Losers are guys who go and get their girlfriends pregnant, then either have to get married or pay for an abortion, or — the biggest losers of all — run away from the situation. Masturbation helps you develop a healthy, responsible sex life without hurting anyone. Therefore, masturbation is for winners!

[Peacekeeper (Quarantined)]

I wish i could edit that, because i messed up the font.

But 98% of adults? Wow that would mean that you are lying people. The only reason they dont have another 2% is for people without dicks or who cannot masturbate due to medical issues.

[tommy]

Oh dear...so this is what they teach you in catholic schools nowadays...The situation is far more serious than we have anticipated.

The time has come, execute the order 46!

[Deaner]

Originally Posted by Peacekeeper

Masturbation helps you develop a healthy, responsible sex life

I suppose. If you want to have a relationship with your hand.

Dean