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Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow.

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Default 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-01-2020, 05:56 AM

We know that you can handle the little issues in life--a hangnail, a broken vase, a flat tire. But when the real troubles surface, you need all the help you can get, and that means the big man in the sky, JC himself. Sure, you could handle the prayers on your own, but, with the hectic pace of modern life, who has the time for that these days?

Well, the good folks of the Prayer Circle at Landover Baptist Church are here to help. For a nominal fee, one of our Godly pastors and several upstanding, Christian, white, American men will use their connections to the Almighty to get your prayers answered ASAP.

We don't outsource prayers to priests in India, Brazil, Argentina and other lands where dark skinned people eat food that is way too spicy the way the Catholic Church does. You know that God doesn't listen to their prayers because, if He did, they wouldn't still be living in those s**thole countries.

Just check out these low, low rates:

Silver Club prayers, $500. Great for low intensity disputes with neighbors, minor illnesses such as bunions or COVID, sassy children, traffic tickets, etc. Includes a prayer cloth personally used by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Gold Club prayers, $1,000. Will solve more serious issues such as getting rid of black neighbors, arthritis, atheist children, and misdemeanors. Includes a bottle of Holy Water personally blessed by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Platinum Club prayers, $5,000. Great for those tough to crack issues such as a mosque being constructed next door, heart disease, gay children, and class 2 felonies. Includes a cask of Holy Oil personally consecrated by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Diamond Club prayers, $25,000. This will handle just about anything, including a nuclear weapons plant being built next door, terminal cancer, daughters who want to marry black men, and felonies up to murder 2. Includes a prayer shawl personally worn by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Frankincense and Myrrh Club prayers, $100,000. No problem can't be solved at this level: If your gay children sass you out then join a Black Muslim mosque and blow up the nuclear weapons plant next door while you're waiting for the Governor of Texas to stay your execution, this is the prayer level for you. Includes a set of high quality Trump Collection golf clubs and matching elegant faux leather bag with gold plated hardware personally used by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint in a golf game with President Trump or his designated representative.

And best of all, your prayer is 100% guaranteed to be answered by God Himself:

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. John 15:7

Independent studies funded by the Templeton Foundation show that our prayers are every bit as effective as if you had prayed them yourself. So you have nothing to lose but your most vexatious problems. Let us help the Lord help you. Operators are standing by, and so is Jesus. Call today!

All sales are final--absolutely no refunds. Terms and conditions may apply. The operator of this service, Landover Baptist Church Prayer Circle LLC, reserves the right to substitute prayer tokens of equal or greater value for out-of-stock items. Offer void in Pocatello, Idaho.


EZEKIEL FLINT 2024
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-04-2020, 02:40 PM

This is a terrific program, Brother Dnow. Ever since the Catholics started offering on-line confessions I have thought we need to up our game in technology. The revenue stream should be terrific too.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-04-2020, 03:20 PM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Well, the good folks of the Prayer Circle at Landover Baptist Church are here to help. For a nominal fee, one of our Godly pastors and several upstanding, Christian, white, American men will use their connections to the Almighty to get your prayers answered ASAP.
I received this email yesterday from a Mr Ollerson but he didn’t say whereabouts he was (I don’t think it matters much though, as God is everywhere)

Quote:
I SAW YOURE SILVERCLUB PRAYS AND I GOTTA PROBLEM BUT NOT MUCH MONI THEY BUILDING A 5G MOSQUE DOWN CLASISVILLE WAY THEY SAY FOR PHONES AND THINGS BUT IS CHISNESE AND I DON’T WANT NO COVID OFF OF IT THAT THEY DO IT WAS THEM I FONED THE PLACE BUT HE SAYS NOT TO WORRY BUT I DO SO I DON’T WANT NOCOVID IT CHANGE YOURE JEANS AND THE GOVERNMENT TRACK YOU IN EVERYTHING BECARSE OF SIGNS i WANT IT PRAYD AWAY IS $500 ENUFF I AM CHRISTIAN BUT CANT GET YOUR CHURCH AS I GOT THE BERRYPEES IN MY LEG.
I was about to reply that this seems more like a Gold Club Prayer, but I don’t like to turn him down without a second opinion.

Can you help?

PS I’m not sure what berrypees are.





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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-04-2020, 04:59 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ezekiel Bathfire View Post
I received this email yesterday from a Mr Ollerson but he didn’t say whereabouts he was (I don’t think it matters much though, as God is everywhere)

I was about to reply that this seems more like a Gold Club Prayer, but I don’t like to turn him down without a second opinion.

Can you help?

PS I’m not sure what berrypees are.
At the $500 level, he can't make the mosque go away, but he can probably get the zoning laws changed so they can't blare their call to prayer at three in the morning, at least on alternating weekends.

An alternate strategy would be to use a $500 payer to ask the Lord for $1,000, then use that to ask for $5,000, and so on. It's like pulling yourself up to heaven by your own bootstraps.

$500 should also suffice to discover what berrypees are, but, in truth, you might be better off not knowing, Brother Bathfire.


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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-04-2020, 06:34 PM

Thanks, I'll tell him the send the $500 and ask him if he wants it to go towards a direct prayer or as an investment.





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-07-2020, 12:01 AM

I called and all I got was a man asking me for my age. Is this phone line hacked by Democrats?
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-07-2020, 04:34 AM

I know God wants to answer Christian prayers. As you point out from their circumstances we understand that heathen prayers are not effective. Mexican cities such as Caracas would be a good example of that: they can't even get Him to deliver their own gold from England! I'm not sure whether they're communists (who never pray at all) or popish heretics who pray to idols and blasphemous hallucinations (such as Mary or Joseph) and in any event use an incorrect form of words preventing God from responding even if He wanted to. Which He does.
II Peter 3:9 The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.
How many times has God been waiting to address a calamity, fits for example, knowing the agony those convulsions bring should one hurl oneself into a fire, but do the family pray? No. And the spasms persist.

Others try praying to Ganesh (elephant demon) or place crystals on the afflicted and do trance meditation. Satan is at work there. No respite. I try to imagine how God must feel when He sees that. It would be like if I had a spit roast going on with all the trimmings and out on the street was a little starving thing gawping at the feast and I'd really like to put out some food. Unfortunately the thing hadn't asked me for any. What could I do? Or maybe it said it would like some food but used the wrong words or wanted the food for some selfish reason. It would be quite distressing.

Now of course food is part of the natural order and nothing miraculous is needed for me to feed the wretch but with Prayer it's not like that. God has to intervene in the natural order of things to remove the convulsing demon or heal the brain lesions or correct the electrolyte balance or whatever but let's say it was brain lesions. The fit kicks off and the prayer is offered: "Please cure this poor soul's electrolyte imbalance so that the spasms cease." Wrong prayer. Again, a heretic might go off: "O Mary and Joseph and the Apostles look at this child convulsing towards the fire (again) and remove this foul devil," all the time staring at a repulsive idol of Saint Joseph. Two major problems. 1 it's not a devil it's brain lesions and 2 Mary etc. are dead 3 no mention of Jesus or God or The Holy Spirit they may as well be praying to a fence-post.

At what level is the correct form of words guaranteed for God's will to be enacted? Subject to my not doing anything to reverse the process. I would like to subscribe at the silver level, but would that be sufficient?

.(Anxious,

..Mitza.)
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-07-2020, 06:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
At what level is the correct form of words guaranteed for God's will to be enacted? Subject to my not doing anything to reverse the process. I would like to subscribe at the silver level, but would that be sufficient?
It all depends on the issue you present to the Lord. For example, I'm not sure that the Apostle Paul himself, if he were still alive, could get England to send gold to Caracas outside an oil deal.

I'd say that, for a True Christian™ Lady who has shown your outstanding level of dedication to spreading the Lord's Gospel and supporting His Favorite Church™, the Landover Baptist Church, even a Silver Club prayer would provide considerable comfort to you with respect to whatever issue you find most pressing.

Of course, the larger your prayer donation, the better the miracle you will receive. $100,000 prayers really are 200 times as effective as $500 prayers.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Uncle Rutherford View Post
I called and all I got was a man asking me for my age. Is this phone line hacked by Democrats?
Are you sure you weren't calling AARP by mistake?


The phones have been ringing off their hooks since we launched this important service. While all of our calls are confidential, I am authorized to say that a multi-billionaire who is seeking to retain a high national office has called in, and his electoral victory is now assured. Stay tuned, because we have some exciting upcoming announcements about multi-prayer package deals, prayer subscriptions, and a multilevel marketing prayer distribution channel that has never been tried by any church except the Scientologists (and they aren't a real church, because they believe in aliens who live in volcanoes and talk to unborn babies instead of God) and Amway.


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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-07-2020, 07:28 PM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Stay tuned, because we have some exciting upcoming announcements about multi-prayer package deals, prayer subscriptions, and a multilevel marketing prayer distribution channel that has never been tried by any church except the Scientologists (and they aren't a real church, because they believe in aliens who live in volcanoes and talk to unborn babies instead of God) and Amway.
I'm thinking I'd like a vacation deal to somewhere warm tossed in. Winter in the Mid West gets a little long.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-07-2020, 08:35 PM

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Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
I'm thinking I'd like a vacation deal to somewhere warm tossed in. Winter in the Mid West gets a little long.
Mayor Hold, I'm sure we could wrangle a junket fact finding mission for a model True Christian™ and distinguished public servant such as you to our Double Diamond Guardians of The Faith-level affiliates conference in Tahiti this winter. What better way to retreat in Holy fellowship with like-minded Christian men to contemplate the beauty of God's creation? Plus, it's a great opportunity to convert some of the sinful natives.



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Default Re: 1-800-PRAY-LBC is open for business - 10-08-2020, 02:39 AM

Wasn't having a very good day when I wrote my last post so telephoned to explain that I was thinking of the "Gold" level. Perhaps it was Miss Cookie answering? What method of payment should I use?

I can't claim credit for anything I post, simply reading The Bible is all I've ever needed with occasional clarification of what a word means or which other passage (such as a Psalm) it's referring to and the Pastors are patient with their explanations.

Travel is a great way to discover the truth of The Bible, especially in Europe and Asia and if you've ever tried talking to Canadians about Jesus.. Norweigians & Scots basically the same but do avoid Glasgow especially at lunch time they sit there looking at their plate as though it's writhing then fall straight sideways onto the floor, still in the sitting position, no-one take any notice the waitress just stepped over them CLUNK! then another one goes down. Persians & Arabs essentially the same and although I've never been to Persia the denizens who have left are very pleasant and detest the Ayatollah so I'm always happy to see them but Arabia is full of Arabs and you never know when their oily charm is going to transmute. My first prayer request will be Bibles for the Arabian Peninsular (and Glasgow) there's no hope for the other pair. Thank you for replying.
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