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Default Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbation! - 04-24-2010, 03:57 AM

Creation Scientist Granted Permission to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbation!

CHRISTIAN TRUTH™ ALERT FOR CHURCH MEMBERS:

Freehold, Iowa - Dr. Jonathan Edwards, Chief Intelligent Design Specialist at Landover Baptist University's Department of Creation Science, alerted church members and students earlier this month that the Lord Jesus Christ was calling him to conduct controversial research into the source of a rise in masturbation among unsaved males. "We should all be concerned if the cause of this rise could in some way affect Baptist men downstream," he said.

Dr. Edwards then went before the Board of Deacons to plead his case for immediate assistance in securing a "Flesh Light™" which he claimed was needed "of the utmost necessity" to properly conduct his research. Pastor Deacon Fred immediately accepted the task, based on Dr. Edwards' world renowned reputation as a respected Creation Scientist and Christian Family Doctor.

Several meetings were held, and sometime in the middle of April, the Board of Deacons unanimously agreed that Pastor Deacon Fred would be sent on a mission to secure the device for Dr. Edwards.

Pastor took up the cross of Christ after dropping his granddaughter off at her unsaved mother's house in downtown Des Moines and made his way toward an Adult Gift Shop. Before going inside, he entered a dark alley where he could safely put on the hippy disguise he had hidden in his granddaughter's "Hello Jesus™" tote bag.

Pastor then knelt down to pray in front of a homeless man for 10-minutes. The footage hasn't been leaked to the media, but its only a matter of time. We note it here so our tithing church members, and True Christians™ reading this article will have a better understanding of how liberals twist so-called, "reality" into so-called, "facts," and feel it is their obligation to report this sort of nonsense to the public.

In addition, church members should cast their worries aside if they stumble upon a lengthy video of Pastor Deacon Fred or Pastor Ezekiel Flint browsing through an Adult Gift Shop, exchanging bromides with a scantily clad colored woman and disappearing behind a counter. Pastor Deacon Fred was simply there to secure a device for Landover Baptist University's Department of Creation Science. The tribulations and trials he suffered along the way, are simply The Lord's Business™ and no concern of yours.

Dr. Edwards was given the "Flesh Light™" that self-same evening, along with a roll of paper towels, a box of corn starch and a large bottle of Astro-Glide lubrication lotion he asked Pastor to pick up on his way home. Dr. Edwards was able to begin conducting his research immediately.

The device will be placed into the hands of gentlemen Creation Scientists at Landover Baptist University's Department of Creation Science after Dr. Edwards' initial 3-week study is complete.

It is estimated Dr. Edwards' staff will justify a full report to church members sometime in the next 48-months.

-------

UPDATE: Dr. Edwards reported to the Board of Deacons in late April that he will need an additional 2-months to conduct his initial research and has requested a leave of absence in order to do so. Church members who are under his medical care are instructed to contact Dr. Sullivan to schedule an appointment. Dr. Edwards asks that he not be bothered until August.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 04-24-2010, 05:28 AM

Perhaps it is because they don't show wonderful films like this in school anymore...

Although this one is Catholic, it is a good warning.



Also, I'm not sure, but I think this is an army film.



Drama queen
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 04-25-2010, 12:14 AM

The City of Freehold takes a slightly (and I mean only slightly) secular view of issues.

Here, I see great secular potential. If the study finds the cause of masturbation, it can find a cure. With the cure, Freehold can market itself to the world as the first MASTURBATION FREE city in the United States.


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 04-25-2010, 02:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold View Post
The City of Freehold takes a slightly (and I mean only slightly) secular view of issues.

Here, I see great secular potential. If the study finds the cause of masturbation, it can find a cure. With the cure, Freehold can market itself to the world as the first MASTURBATION FREE city in the United States.
Except for the release from jail of Mrs. Johnson you are the best major Freehold has ever had!


Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 04-26-2010, 01:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Except for the release from jail of Mrs. Johnson you are the best major Freehold has ever had!
Why, thank you my friend. Freehold's Godly citizens make it a truly holy place.

And, if it is masturbation free, all the better.
JJH


Isaiah 24:1-3 Behold, the LORD maketh the earth empty (2)...as the taker of usury, so with the giver of usury to him. (3) The land shall be utterly emptied, and utterly spoiled: for the LORD hath spoken his word.
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 08:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Pastor then knelt down to pray in front of a homeless man for 10-minutes.
The homeless man wasn't standing, was he?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
In addition, church members should cast their worries aside if they stumble upon a lengthy video of Pastor Deacon Fred or Pastor Ezekiel Flint browsing through an Adult Gift Shop, exchanging bromides with a scantily clad colored woman and disappearing behind a counter.
Hmmm.

Browsing an adult gift shop, a conversation with a scantily-clad woman, and disappearing behind the counter? With the woman?

Sounds to me more like someone might have been caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. This is disturbing to say the least.

Quote:
1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil.


2 Timothy 3:16 All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for [SIZE=4][B]doctrine[/B][/SIZE], for [SIZE=4][B]reproof[/B][/SIZE], for [SIZE=4][B]correction[/B][/SIZE], for[SIZE=4][B] instruction in righteousness[/B][/SIZE]:
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 08:59 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2 Timothy 3:16 View Post
The homeless man wasn't standing, was he?

Hmmm.

Browsing an adult gift shop, a conversation with a scantily-clad woman, and disappearing behind the counter? With the woman?

Sounds to me more like someone might have been caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. This is disturbing to say the least.
Your dirty thoughts disgust me. Jesus preached to sinners, harlots and publicans too!


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 02:29 PM

There should be a law where anyone who is caught masturbating is sent to jail!
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 02:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WinterFresh View Post
There should be a law where anyone who is caught masturbating is sent to jail!
I prefer God's punishment. Al tho stoning does come to mind
Genesis 38:9-10

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also.
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 02:48 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2 Timothy 3:16 View Post
Hmmm.

Browsing an adult gift shop, a conversation with a scantily-clad woman, and disappearing behind the counter? With the woman?

Sounds to me more like someone might have been caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. This is disturbing to say the least.
Who are you to be pointing your finger at True Christian™ Pastors? Jesus preached to whores, fishermen and joos. Do you want to start rumors about Him as well?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 04:00 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2 Timothy 3:16 View Post
The homeless man wasn't standing, was he?


Hmmm.

Browsing an adult gift shop, a conversation with a scantily-clad woman, and disappearing behind the counter? With the woman?

Sounds to me more like someone might have been caught doing something they shouldn't have been doing. This is disturbing to say the least.
Jesus forgave Pastor Deacon Fred of his, why can't you? The Pastor was going what Christ wanted him to do. As a TRUE Christian I find it so disgusting the way people look for sexual innuendos in everything.



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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 04:22 PM

I am glad that the city is finally doing something about this. Masturbation is sometimes harder to police than drugs because it is theoretically possible that people can abuse themselves without any paraphernalia at all.

The druggy has his pipes, his baggies, his needles. But sometimes all a masturbator needs is his hand and an active imagination. (The devil's playground.)

As an Officer of the Law you will have my full support and brute strength in fighting the war on masturbation in our fair city. Peeking in through people's windows is already a part of my daily patrol, but with just a little more authorization from, say the mayor, I could do a whole lot more to keep our young people chaste.
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 04:24 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones View Post
Your dirty thoughts disgust me. Jesus preached to sinners, harlots and publicans too!
Hey, they were just questions. It is not MY story. If you don't like the story, take it up with Ezekiel, he posted it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Who are you to be pointing your finger at True Christian™ Pastors? Jesus preached to whores, fishermen and joos. Do you want to start rumors about Him as well?
I'm not pointing my finger at anyone and the issue at stake is not "finger pointing" anyways. I'm was merely stating what Scripture says - to avoid all appearances of evil. You and Levi might want to go back through the article and notice that there wasn't any "preaching" going on either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Jesus forgave Pastor Deacon Fred of his, why can't you? The Pastor was going what Christ wanted him to do. As a TRUE Christian I find it so disgusting the way people look for sexual innuendos in everything.
How do you know He forgave Fred? What was there to forgive? Where is the KJV1611 passage commanding Fred to go and do the things he did? I'm not looking for sexual innuendos, I'm commenting on a story that a staff member posted. The innuendos kind of jumped off the page. Doesn't Scripture say that all pastors, elders, and deacons are to be blameless and the husband of one wife? 1 Timothy 3:1-10; Titus 1:5-16. How does "Pastor Deacon" Fred still qualify for Biblical leadership?


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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 04:32 PM

Being a fly in God's ointment must make you feel important, huh?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 04:34 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2 Timothy 3:16 View Post
How do you know He forgave Fred? What was there to forgive?
Ok nice try. Any real Christian would know we are all born in sin and need to repent of our depravity and turn our lives over to Jesus. That is you, me and Deacon Fred or any other human. Fess up, your just some kid who read a line our two from The Bible and are using it to harass us.



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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 05:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
Ok nice try. Any real Christian would know we are all born in sin and need to repent of our depravity and turn our lives over to Jesus.
Amen. That is exactly right.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bobby-Joe View Post
That is you, me and Deacon Fred or any other human. Fess up, your just some kid who read a line our two from The Bible and are using it to harass us.
But, are not those in authority in God's church held to a higher standard than the rest of us per 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1?

Sure, I've only read a line or two from the Bible, but what I say is not for my glory, it is for His.


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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 05:07 PM

The Bible also says that you are to obey Pastor’s Orders!

Quote:
Romans 13:1 Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God.
13:2 Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 05:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
Being a fly in God's ointment must make you feel important, huh?
Almost as important as one who announces himself as the one who "put the "stud" back in Bible study," who is self-righteous enough to declare men saved or unsaved, and who is sure that his warped teaching on Scripture is so correct that he bans anyone from the forum who has a rational and Biblical objection to it.

You remind me very much of the Pharisees. Repent of your pride (see your own signature) before it is too late.

I just might make a road trip to Iowa some Sunday.

*gotta remember to pack my bullhorn since it is an apparently acceptable way to make myself heard in church*


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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 05:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2 Timothy 3:16 View Post
Almost as important as one who announces himself as the one who "put the "stud" back in Bible study," who is self-righteous enough to declare men saved or unsaved, and who is sure that his warped teaching on Scripture is so correct that he bans anyone from the forum who has a rational and Biblical objection to it.

You remind me very much of the Pharisees. Repent of your pride (see your own signature) before it is too late.
You judge, but not with righteous judgment, and not even with knowledge of this Church. If you bothered to read you would find massive amounts of anti-Christian content on this forum. It is not deleted because that would raise cries of censorship, but also because it shows the persecution of Christianity.

People are banned for posting porn or threats of violence. Or for being a pest. But not for being wrong.
Quote:
I just might make a road trip to Iowa some Sunday.
Is that a threat?


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Creation Scientist to Study Source of Rise in Male Masturbati - 05-12-2010, 05:19 PM

Forget that Flesh Light contraption; warm loaves of bread are the real occasions for sin! Those things are flaky on the outside/ soft on the inside sin receptacles.


Butterly Yours,

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