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Reload this Page A Reminder for Young Brides
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Love Jesus A Reminder for Young Brides - 05-04-2017, 05:14 PM

Ladies,


Has your father or pastor picked someone to be your husband? If so, fall on your knees and praise God! (Psalm 48:1) Many women pray and pray and pray and pray for years and years and years but never find "the one." You have been blessed! You won't be referred to as "that old maid," or "that spinster," or hear "she's so uppity and closed minded no man will have her." I do think it is important for you to remember a few things, girls.


1. Adorn yourself with humility (1 Timothy 2:9-10). No husband will want a bragging, proud, haughty wife. No, they want you to just crawl on the ground for them at their wish and whim. So you've made yourself a successful businesswoman. Think they're going to care? NOPE. It isn't going to matter. Make more money than them? You'll never be able to admit it and most of it will go for power tools and boats and fishing trips to exotic places. They will expect you to tithe and cook and clean and stay pregnant while they are out enjoying beer and brats with the boys.


2. Remember, he's the head of the household once you get that ring on your finger (Ephesians 5:23). Will it matter that you've handled tough cookies in business meetings and negotiated deals for your employees (and yourself) that have created loyalty and respect? HA! If he says jump, you need to be prepared to say "How high?" and repeat the action if it isn't good enough for him. Your reward will be to have his smelly whiskey breath in your face while he humps his way to marital-act completion and you force yourself to act interested.


All brides to be who are hoping to have Pastor Flint perform your ceremony should read the pastor's rules, easily found on LBC's forum. There are no exceptions to his rules. After all - he's a MAN and MEN are always right. So you've tithed until your wallet is screaming "HELP!" and your every move is made with God's Glory in mind? That's great! Now prepare to give more, and better.


I do have a few more reminders.


Don't be a Rude Rita and refer to unmarried people over 15 as "Old Maids." Simply refer to them as "Miss So and So," or, if familiar, call them by their first names. Never be a Negative Nancy and scream across the street, "That one will never find a man," or "Too bad you'll never know what it's like to be a mother." These things are not only annoying, but depending on the woman you're insulting, could get you seriously hurt.


Avoid men from (1) California (2) the UK (3) France. They are abominations. Someone I know has experimented with these men, and just take it from me, it isn't worth it. Now Italy, that's another matter. Again, someone I know has shared that information.


If I may just confess a public sin: Sister Melissa Jean, I am so sorry I dropped hot chocolate syrup on your darling little Martha Eloise yesterday at my shoppe. I assume it will be the last time she calls me "unmarriageable."





1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
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Default Re: A Reminder for Young Brides - 05-06-2017, 03:21 PM

Dearest Sister Naomi, (if I may address you so) I once knew the shame of being unwed at the advanced age of 21. Fortunately, that situation was rectified just little more than a year later, and my parents were able to hold their heads up high again.

Unfortunately, my spouse and I were deluded Fluffy Bunnies who thought that we were True Christians™ but were NOT really following the whole Bible, the way it was written.

It took many years of study and following "clues" that the Holy Spirit was obviously leaving for me before the scales fell from my eyes and I could perceive the Truth© about Jesus and His Great Sacrifice for His Followers.

I was forever changed and made new. Unfortunately, my husband remained in darkness, thinking he was following Jesus while in reality playing right into the deceiver's hand.

Our marriage could not continue. For as Scripture tells us in 2 Corinthians 6:14:

Be ye not unequallyyoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

You may trust me when I say that I did not leave my union lightly; it took seven years of prayer and introspection. My spouse did not turn his whole heart and soul over to the Whole Truth© and the Lord allowed our divorce to happen. ( He did take our dog, perhaps as a punishment, or maybe as an act of mercy so she would not have to suffer living in a broken home.)

It still pains me to think about it--not just the dog, but also feeling like I smudged up Jesus' perfect image by being divorced. However, my ex is now in an equally yoked marriage to another false Christian and presumably having sex, (though I have my doubts) and thus has committed adultery in regards to our union, so God's judgment will be on him.

I remain single and make every effort to refrain from gossip* and serve the True Church® of Bible-based faith here in my area of the blessed United States of God's America.

There are lonely moments, and oddly warm and tingly ones that irritate me somewhat. My standard of living has dropped below the Federal Poverty Line, but I am rich in Spiritual Rewards.

Never do I doubt that Jesus will reward me with prosperity if I keep tithing 85% of my income and pray without ceasing.

Now, the only time I have to ask, "how high?", is when Jesus asks me to jump. (Or when Pastor Zeke needs another Love Offering to finance a missionary effort.)

I send you Christ's Love from Mariolatryland, where God is meeting all my needs in His Own Way and His Own Sweet Time.

* I am a little concerned for Sister Basilissa, being unmarried as she is. Perhaps we could chat about in on the phone sometime?


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

Guns For God and the Economy
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Pumpkin pie Re: A Reminder for Young Brides - 05-06-2017, 10:28 PM

Darling Handmaiden,


Of COURSE you may call me that. I am flattered and honored by your friendship and I know you are no doubt awestricken to have a message from THE Naomi Ruth Lamb directed to you. I am touched by your story and I feel so blessed that you shared it with me. Please always know that this applies to you:


Luke 6:20 "Blessed are the poor, for yours is the kingdom of God."


My dear, you must understand that the LORD does not wish us to live in poverty. You do PLENTY at this moment and perhaps too much! I must insist that you accept the $50,000 I am sending you via personal messenger. This is for YOU. I have already tithed on your behalf an equal amount - so your obligation is settled. Use this money to eat and pay rent and get a lovely frock or something. Put some aside for future use. I will be very disappointed if I hear you did anything other than this with it. VERY disappointed.


You are welcome to visit the Blood of the Lamb Estate at any time. I have lots of room in my luxuriously appointed home for you. Won't you think about it, please? Squalor is not Jesus' intent for you.


My friendship is yours always, Sister.
Don't piffle that up. And I would just ADORE speaking with you about our Darling Basilissa! I have so much to share with you. Bless her heart.


With affection,
NRL


1 Samuel 8:13 "And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cookes, and to be bakers."
Naomi Ruth Lamb, Proprietress:
Naomi's Moist Pie - Unsaved Unwelcome!
Locations in 50 States and Canada
!Voted Best Pie in Freehold!
Once you've tasted Naomi's pie, you'll crave it again and again and again and again.
Baptist pastors always receive a 50% discount.
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Jesus Re: A Reminder for Young Brides - 06-18-2017, 09:29 AM

Thank you for this... it's really helpful. Daddy has chosen my husband and master. I am so excited and looking forward to our union in 1 month

Praise to Jesus
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