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Default Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-21-2011, 02:04 PM

I won't go into the long story of why I just witnessed a woman giving birth. I'll just say that her name is L. and she's been blessed by the LORD with what liberal health-nazis call "obesity" but Christians know as a sign of God's favor: Proverbs 28:25, Proverbs 13:4, Psalm 92:12-14.

Anyway, the problem is that when she gave birth, she did so relatively painlessly. She said "it was just like taking a really big [dung]".
That means she violated God's commandment that women suffer pain during childbirth in Genesis 3:16.

I guess if I had been thinking fast I would punched her in the face a few times to keep God happy. BUt I was just too shocked. So, do you think it would work if someone puts the thumbscrews on her for a while, so she can pay her pain-debt to Jesus? I think so.

In the future, midwives should keep thumbscrews on hand for just such a situation. As for women who have already given birth in violation of Gods will (for example, using painkillers) they owe God a pain-debt and should be extradited to spend a night paying their debt to God in a Syran jail (since we can't extradite people to be tortured in Libya anymore, thanks to Obama's rebellion against God).
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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-21-2011, 03:07 PM

Woman who do not suffer in childbirth are going directly against God's will. When my son Jahaziah was born I secretly turned off my wife's morphine drip. The doctor said it was the most distressing caesarean he had ever performed.

She is over it now,

YIC

Jack


Genesis 22:2 And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.



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Smile Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-21-2011, 03:24 PM

Very true. I feel slightly ashamed that my wife had our two children with painkillers.

But she is pregnant again (probably twins) and I'll be able to for fill her pain dept in tens months time in which I will paddle her ruthlessly. She told me she's scared slightly but I think that's kind of cute. She looks so adorable when she's panicked.

No painkillers for Janet in 9 months time.
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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-21-2011, 06:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
..... her name is L. and she's been blessed by the LORD with what liberal health-nazis call "obesity" .....

Anyway, the problem is that when she gave birth, she did so relatively painlessly. She said "it was just like taking a really big [dung]".
While pain is, indeed, Godly, perhaps there is some room for reconsideration in this quandary.

And here I'm thinking about her being a big blob of fat.

I suppose, although I'm no expert, that it is possible her excess tonnage could have resulted a really large sloppy cooter coated in, say, bacon fat residue, or some other slippery substance.

In a case like that the spawn could have just dropped out of that chute with little more than a tingling sensation. Or, at best, kind of ricocheting off each side concluding with a bit of a splat upon hitting the table.

Brother Jeb, since you were a witness to the event, did you by any chance use your camera phone to film the process? I'd certainly like to see it.


The Honorable HTannor (Pro NRA, Anti-Homer Marriage), Judge, Freehold Supreme Court

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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-21-2011, 09:25 PM

You can't cheat GOD.

People attempting to find a way around pain and suffering have been a constant source of irritation to GOD, ever since Cain decided in Genesis 4 to offer up an offering of fruits and veggies rather than a freshly slit-open lamb, still twitching and gushing sweet, sweet blood.

Cain, in a rage against GOD, slew his True Christian brother Abel, and ran away from home.

I'll wager that women who make use of painkiller during childbirth are no better than rebellious, murderous Cain.



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- Proverbs 15:3

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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-23-2011, 08:33 PM

The Bible is quite clear that a woman's lot is suffering and pain. Even the disgusting menses that occurs before the sacred sperm is introduced into the baby growth medium is painful. And the act of you-know-what can range from painful to distinctly uncomfortable.

If it feels good, you're not doing it for God!



Primly Yours,

Handmaiden


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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 09-23-2011, 09:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
And the act of you-know-what can range from painful to distinctly uncomfortable.

If it feels good, you're not doing it for God!
How right you are, Miss Handmaiden.

My late, lamented, wife often been told me how uncomfortable she was when we were attempting to grind out a little Soldier for Christ.

Now you must realize she had a cooter that would rival the grille of a '58 Edsel and still she complained. She compared to experience to trying to ram a telephone poll through a garden hose.

Tragically, she perished in a fall from a subway station platform on our last trip to New York. I told the police that a negroidal-type gave her an elbow that caused her to make contact with the third rail.

I remember that evening being so remorseful that I wept into my beverage at the Copacabana. The salinity of my tears completely ruined that wonderful little drink with the cute little miniature umbrella.


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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 10-08-2011, 07:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
I won't go into the long story of why I just witnessed a woman giving birth. I'll just say that her name is L. and she's been blessed by the LORD with what liberal health-nazis call "obesity" but Christians know as a sign of God's favor: Proverbs 28:25, Proverbs 13:4, Psalm 92:12-14.

Anyway, the problem is that when she gave birth, she did so relatively painlessly. She said "it was just like taking a really big [dung]".
That means she violated God's commandment that women suffer pain during childbirth in Genesis 3:16.

I guess if I had been thinking fast I would punched her in the face a few times to keep God happy. BUt I was just too shocked. So, do you think it would work if someone puts the thumbscrews on her for a while, so she can pay her pain-debt to Jesus? I think so.

In the future, midwives should keep thumbscrews on hand for just such a situation. As for women who have already given birth in violation of Gods will (for example, using painkillers) they owe God a pain-debt and should be extradited to spend a night paying their debt to God in a Syran jail (since we can't extradite people to be tortured in Libya anymore, thanks to Obama's rebellion against God).

Uh Oh, I still owe my pain debt from 12 years ago, When I was in labor with both of my children I had not one acre of pain at all ( I was in labor 5 days and 3 hours with the first and 5 days and 6 hours with number 2) Could that be why God has stricken me infertile, I didn't have any pain before, during or after (No pain killers were used either) child birth and if so how can I correct this ASAP.


Judge not, Lest ye be Judged.

Last edited by AngelClark; 10-08-2011 at 07:17 PM. Reason: Forgot to add something
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Default Re: Painless childbirth? You owe God a pain-debt! - 10-17-2011, 09:21 PM

I think the thumb screw is a great idea. This model would do just fine:

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