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Ezekiel Bathfire's Avatar
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Default Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-09-2008, 12:05 PM

It is good to see that parts of rural UK are still holding out against the tide of Godlessness that sweeps across that benighted land like a wave of raw sewage.

Quote:
Organ grinder and his toy monkey 'banned' from busking due to health and safety reasons

An organ grinder and his monkey were banned from the streets on health and safety grounds.

Paddy Cooke, 64, from Matlock in Derbyshire, and his stuffed toy Simon cannot perform until they complete a risk assessment.

Ripley Town Council in Derbyshire decided to cancel the act who were due to perform in the town centre during the summer holidays. The decision was made by licensing bosses at Amber Valley Borough Council.

Paddy, wears Victorian costume as he walks around playing his organ, a copy of an instrument used more than 150 years ago. The former fireman has been grinding organs for 15 years.

He said: 'It's not as if I have a live monkey which might jump at people. Mine is a battery-operated interactive toy and the best I have ever had.
He says things like "I want a banana" and even once offered to tell me the sum of pi squared.

'Simon is sometimes quiet and sometimes chatty. He's very realistic but is no danger to anyone.

'I suppose someone might trip over a paving slab when listening to the music and blame me but I have been doing this for years without a problem.'

Paddy, whose two sons are also organ grinders, was hired as part of the summer entertainment provided by the town council and has £10m ($20m) public liability insurance cover. He is also a member of the actors' union, Equity.

But before his act hit the streets the authority received orders from Amber Valley Borough Council which demanded to see a general risk assessment before letting street acts go ahead.

It wanted to study a list of hazards and know how they could be made safe, and even how many people might watch the shows. Ripley Mayor Lynn Joyes said: 'The risks are very low and how do performers know how big an audience they'll get?

'That depends on the weather. If it's raining you might get five, but if the weather is nice, there'll be 105.'

Labour (Communist) group leader Geoff Carlile said: 'This is typical of bureaucracy gone mad. This was sprung on us at the last minute and left us in a difficult situation.'

The council was told the ruling also applies to dance groups, clowns and brass bands, including the Salvation Army.
Now had they asked Old Ezekiel Bathfire about this, I would have given the same answer: A God created monkey can be subdued by a cattle prod or mace, however, a robot monkey is a horse of a different color! Just imagine a lightening strike disrupting the robot’s electrics so that it goes on a killing spree, staring at people and murdering them with x-ray eyes! You would ask “Is $20,000,000 insurance enough?”

I’m surprised that a graven image of a monkey god is allowed at all! And what sort of excuse is the fact that the robot killer monkey knows pi squared? Nine is not a particularly difficult number to work out!

You will also notice that the communist (like Demoncrat) group leader isn’t bothered, despite the monkey “springing at” him! I suppose a few hell-bound souls are of no consequence to him as he plans to wipe out half the population in a purge anyway!

NB: It will not go unnoticed that the Salvation Army is classified as just as dangerous to the soul as a robot monkey is to the Temple of Christ which is our unworthy body. Quite right too!





“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 01:51 AM

do we get to sacrifice the monkey to a pagan God???

please reply soon.
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 01:55 AM

We don't do sacrifices here, bunny. This is a Baptist Church, not Stonehenge.

Did you make a wrong turn at the exit? Who's the chick in your photo? You look like a pretty girl. Too bad your soul is all messed up. Jesus can help that.


May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 03:15 AM

you are correct on one thing, i am a pretty girl, and ill use every part of it...

now, back to the Monkey. i don't think the Monkey is that worthy to take to stonehenge, but just for you, ill put in a good word and we'll see.


Yup, i'm a girl :]
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 03:24 AM

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Originally Posted by Dark Soul View Post
you are correct on one thing, i am a pretty girl, and ill use every part of it...
I only hope you use "every part of it" to meet the demands of your Christian HUSBAND?


Gather around so that I can read to you from my book of TRUTH. Genesis thru Revelations....Pick one!

Luke 12:5- But I will forewarn you whom ye shall fear: Fear him, which after he hath killed hath power to cast into hell; yea, I say unto you, Fear him.
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 03:53 AM

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Originally Posted by Ebenezer Wright View Post
I only hope you use "every part of it" to meet the demands of your Christian HUSBAND?
sorry, no Christian husband, but i have been known to pay a few.


Yup, i'm a girl :]
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 05:16 AM

Oh good grief. Another emo/goth/wannabehippy "chick" destined for Hell and Satan's tallywhacker. *sigh*

Look, miss dressed-all-in-black-so-no-man-will-ever-want-me, you need to stop talking all this nonsense about sacrifices and gobbledygook. You need to get on your knees and start repenting for your sins! You need to hit the paypal button and give generously to God's Favorite Church! Then you need to pray fastidiously for forgiveness and come to God (through Landover of course).
Any more nonsense out of you and you will most likely be labled the evil little Wicker harlot that you are. Better start repenting NOW!!!!


Jesus is watching you masturbate.

Nunquam concumbo dutch puellus intra clunis.

numquam futuis, puer Batavica ad te asinus praesepe
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-10-2008, 05:20 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Soul View Post
sorry, no Christian husband, but i have been known to pay a few.
What is that supposed to mean? You pay Christian husbands? For what? Are you on the drugs?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Killer Robot Monkey! - 08-12-2008, 06:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dark Soul View Post
you are correct on one thing, i am a pretty girl, and ill use every part of it...
I'm sure you do "ill use" every part of it.

You've probably put it to every ill use possible, and contracted every sexually-transmitted disease there is.

Don't worry! Jesus can dry up the font of your pus! He can make those blisters and discharges go away! He can even cleanse your uterus of that raging gonorrhea infection, and cure the AIDS!

All you have to do is come to Him in tearful submission, on your knees, and beg His forgiveness and to be washed clean in His blood. Admit that you are worthless scum without Him, as He demands, and He will make you pure!

Won't you do that? Won't you give up your lustful ways and service Jesus, instead of servicing Juan, Pedro, and Jose, as you did last night?


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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