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Default 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 08-19-2007, 12:57 PM

It's that time of year again....Get ready for the

2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival!


The current lineup is as follows (still subject to change):

Adventure:

Red Dawn (1984)

Though derided by liberals as being "unrealistic" this movie was actually based on real-life operations by the freedom fighters of Afganistan (this is why it's set in Colorado, rather than Alaska: the mountains and deserts of Colorado are the closest American equivalent of Afganistan.) After the vieweing, there will be a special question and answer session with actual veterans of Afganistan's holy war against godless communism.

Left Behind: The Movie (2000)

Obviously this film speaks for itself. As this event is expected to be sold out, please do not plan to attend if you have already watched Left Behind more than 10 times in the past year.

Apocalypse (1998)

This film introduces us to Helen Hannah, a news reporter for WNN, World News Network. Her boyfriend and fellow anchor, Bronson Pearl is in the middle east covering the Battle of Armageddon. While Bronson is there, the rapture occurs and the whole world is thrown into chaos. Both Helen and Bronson search for answers.

Helen sadly finds that her grandma was taken to be with Jesus. But she had left a key for Helen, using which she opens a box that has tapes of Dr. Jack and Rexella Van Impe's television show. The tapes are about the end times. Hilarity ensues.

Inchon (1982)

Financed and produced by our good friends at the Unification Church, with none other than Sun Myung Moon being a Special Advisor to the film.

The Conqueror (1956)

A Howard Hughes-funded box-office blockbuster featuring John Wayne at his best, playing Genghis Khan. All the actors have an especially healthy glow due to the filming being downwind from an atomic testing range in Nevada.

The Green Berets (1968)

This heart-poundingly realistic, and completely origional film includes such memorable characters as an Irishman named Muldoon, a doubting journalist, a Negro, a little refugee kid with a pet dog, and even a hard-bitten veteran.

Children's:

The Passion of The Christ

Special super-extended directors cut, includes over 100 minutes of never-before seen torture and mutilation scenes!

Why Do Boys Have Nipples? 101 intelligent design questions answered.

Don't worry, no nipples are shown in the film.

A Cigarette's Tale (1988)

Coughy the Camel, Skinny Sally, and Koolie, the Kool smoking penguin. Considered by many to be superior to the later and more successful Vegitales franchise.

Ted Nugent's Metalstorm™ in Madagascar! (2007)

Watch acclaimed naturalist Ted Negent discover rare and unknown species, before shredding them with the latest high-tech firearms. The T.O.W. Missile VS Cheetah segment is worth the price of admission alone.

Bikini Babes with Bazookas volume 12 (2007)

Considered by many to be the best yet of the series. After party at LBC University shooting range with a secret special guest. (Gold tithers and below not invited)

Comedy:

SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

Widely regarded as among the funniest movies of all time.

Gimme Shelter (1971)

Jeb Thurmond's special abridged version. The music has been replaced with Christian rock, and all scenes not involving hippies getting beaten up have been removed. Laugh at the zany sound effects, and groove to the toe-tappin' rock n' rapture soundtrack.

Drama:

OG: Olive Garden, The Movie (2007)

Nationwide premiere... RIGHT HERE IN FREEHOLD!! Jack (played by Lenardo de Cappio), a young all American kid is hired to be an OG manager. Mr Harris (played by Gene Hackman), a tough but fair OG VP puts the Jack threw the paces to see if he has the moves to run a OG restaurant and maintain the commitment to quality that OG stands for. The going is tough for Jack but with the love his girlfriend he pulls threw Harris’ grueling training regime. Finally it is the big time for Jack, he gets his own restaurant and gets to live the American Dream®, Olive Garden Style.

An Atheist's Tale (2006)

Follows the day in the life of a secularist as he puts time in at abortion clinic, fakes fossiles and cashes his welfare check.

Little Omar: Finding Freedom (2007)

The dramatized life of an Iraq real child who is learns to enjoy the blessings of freedom thanks to the American liberation of Iraq. The movies climax is Omar being baptized a Christian by Mother Teresa (played by Anne Coulter) heading up the heroic missionaries converting Iraq to Christianity

Horror:

Satan Hunter’s: The Wicker Meanace (2006)

Due to a crises of faith of the daughter, a Christian family’s protection covering lapses. A wicker coven then attacks the family one night, hunting down, torturing and killing the family members one by one. Finally the daughter is forced to confront the coven's high priestess and chose between killing for Christ or a life time of depravity and cannibalism as a slave girl of Satan.

Documentary:

The Clonus Horror (1979)

Discover the truth behind "cloning" and similar crimes against God being committed by science.

Borat (2006)

A typical documentary about the glory of America with a twist: it is actually a foreign film. Viewer discretion advised, contains foreigner antics, not for the weak of stomach. No admittance to those under 21 or of the female gender.

Micheal Moore Hates America (2004)

Other

Battlefield Earth (2000)

Not recommended. We are legally obligated to show this film as part of the out-of-court settlement for Church of Scientology VS Americhrist Industries 2001.


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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 08-19-2007, 01:12 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
It's that time of year again....Get ready for the

2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival!


The current lineup is as follows (still subject to change):

Adventure:

Red Dawn (1984)

Though derided by liberals as being "unrealistic" this movie was actually based on real-life operations by the freedom fighters of Afganistan (this is why it's set in Colorado, rather than Alaska: the mountains and deserts of Colorado are the closest American equivalent of Afganistan. After the vieweing, there will be a special question and answer session with actual veterans of Afganistan's holy war against godless communism.
Well, while I'm pleased to see you're showing such a Godly and accurate anti-Communist movie, I'm surprised to see that you've not made room for Rambo III, one of the few movies that dared to tell the truth about the glorious struggle of the mujahideen FREEDOM fighters in Afghanistan. Perhaps you could have a Sly Stallone mini-season, with other classics such as Rocky Balboa, his heart-warming tale of an elderly white man beating a young nigra buck senseless?


O Lord our God, help us to tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it--for our sakes who adore Thee, Lord, blast their hopes, blight their lives, protract their bitter pilgrimage, make heavy their steps, water their way with their tears, stain the white snow with the blood of their wounded feet! We ask it, in the spirit of love, of Him Who is the Source of Love, and Who is the ever-faithful refuge and friend of all that are sore beset and seek His aid with humble and contrite hearts. Amen.


God being truth, justice, goodness, beauty, power, and life, man is falsehood, iniquity, evil, ugliness, impotence, and death. God being master, man is the slave. Incapable of finding justice, truth, and eternal life by his own effort, he can attain them only through a divine revelation... he who desires to worship God must harbor no childish illusions about the matter, but bravely renounce his liberty and humanity.
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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 08-22-2007, 03:48 PM

Next year, I'm hoping for Triumph of the Will, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Birth of a Nation, and That Darn Cat!.
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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 08-22-2007, 10:23 PM

I don't know what happened to my request that no movie be shown unless it starred John Wayne, but at least we have got rid of all the liberal trash that was shown in the past. I'd like a rerun of Blazing Saddles, but with the other ending.


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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 09-03-2007, 08:48 PM

Well, that sure was a great festival, wasn't it? I know it sure helped keep my mind away from recent problems, if you know what I mean.

We've already started planning for next year: Rambo 3 is certainly in (the only reason it wasn't shown this year is because we thought everyone had watched it to death. Not true!)

Invasion of the Brown People Snatchers is already in production and will be ready for it's first ever showing at next year's festival. It's a re-imagining/updated version of Invasion of the People Snatchers, only this time the aliens only take over the bodies of brown people.

We also thought August was a bad time of year to show Joe Camel saves Christmas, but the management of Freehold Wal-Mart has informed us that next year's christmas shopping season will indeed start in August, so JC saves Christmas is a go for next year.

Historical documentaries are also in: Birth of a Nation and Triumph of the Will are a go, also many short instructional films on everything from how to behave on a date to how to identify communists and homosexuals. And of course, who could leave out the proven crowd pleasers Reefer Madness and The Beatniks.


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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 09-04-2007, 12:56 PM

I've just watched Mel Gibson's "Apocalypto" and wow, make sure this one gets a showing next year.

This film is pure Mel Gibson at his face-ripping, chomped-testicle-barfing, triple-heart-still-beating-in-handing, point-on-view shot of heads thumping down ziggurating, "I'll peel your skin and you'll watch me wear it", jalepino-pepper to the privates best! And I thought Passion of the Christ was as good as snuff films got, but this movie proves it's time for Passion of the Christ 2!

I'm writing the screenplay in my head right now: It's 2009 and Jesus returns in the second coming, but democrats have won the election and Obama-Clinton are in the White House. Their howling mob of jews, wiccans, catholics, brown people, etc. drag Jesus to the steps of the capitol where they sacrifice him in true pagan style. They pagans rip out his still beating heart, the catholics drink his blood from their golden bling-bling goblets, the jews go at him with hammers and nails until he looks like the guy from "Hellraiser", while the arabs drag his intestines through the streets while shouting all their "allah akubar" gibberish.

The God and the Holy Spirit come down, and get torn to bits in similar style. Oh, then a puma chomps someone's face off. And then barfs it up.

Hey, I just remembered, in Revelations it says Jesus will have 7 eyes, so that means we get 7 eyeball-gouging scenes. Wonder if he'll have seven hearts as well...The 3 heart-rippings in Apocalypto only worked as an appetizer.

Come to think of it, I should stop writing now or else someone might poach my script. Anyone have Mel Gibson's private email?


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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 09-08-2007, 09:19 PM

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND! SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 7:00 P.M.! Bring the kids!




(Yes, I know it says February, we didn't have time to update the image so we used the old one. Mel likes to drop by with only a day's advance warning, I don't know why.)


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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 09-09-2007, 04:06 PM

A godly film festival and no films from are most godly president RONALD REAGAN.
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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 05-21-2010, 08:28 AM

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Originally Posted by lord warrior View Post
A godly film festival and no films from are most godly president RONALD REAGAN.
I refuse to watch Black and White movies. They reek of snobbish art-film pretentiousness. Why were film-makers so artsy-fartsy back then?

Here's a REAL art-film that I'm hoping will be able to premere at the 2010 festival, but sadly it still hasn't come out yet.



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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 05-21-2010, 09:48 PM

I hope there won't be any disgusting smut from Doris Day this year. Why won't that disgusting tramp die already?
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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 05-22-2010, 07:52 PM

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Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
I refuse to watch Black and White movies. They reek of snobbish art-film pretentiousness. Why were film-makers so artsy-fartsy back then?

Here's a REAL art-film that I'm hoping will be able to premere at the 2010 festival, but sadly it still hasn't come out yet.

Looks like a good movie!
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Default Re: 2007 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival! - 07-30-2010, 09:35 PM

Another film that hasn't come out yet, but the 2011 Freehold Summer Family Fun Film Festival already has it's gold medal winner:
Get ready for "Goldman Sachs: The Movie." [title pending] ...a documentary about the Wall Street firm. Goldman Sachs Group Inc. is paying for the film, has editorial control and is overseeing the project through its marketing department, a Goldman spokesman said..."
The article reminds us of another great film:
Standard Oil Co. financed "Louisiana Story," the 1948 film by documentary legend Robert Flaherty that depicted a boy's idyllic life in oil-drilling country and is considered sympathetic to the oil industry. It received an Oscar nomination.
Thanks to the oil industry, Louisiana has never been more idyllic: no birds squawking, no noisy fishing boats or annoying tourists - thanks, Drill-Baby-Drill!


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