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Jesus ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-03-2020, 04:35 AM

Just got a message from my good pal Jesus the Christ! Glory! He'll be answering your questions in just a few weeks as His Special Birthday Offer to ya'll if you keep on tithin' and prayin'. Just pose your questions here and Jessie ol' pal will answer them in due course. I'll ask the first!

During Rapture, that is very soon, when you lift me up, is there a weight limit for free luggage allowance and if there is, how can you pay for excess baggage?


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-03-2020, 05:17 AM

Dear sweet, kind, noble, loving savoir,

Thank you for once again blessing us with Your grace on this year and choosing not to kill me with the covid disease You lovingly blessed me with (yet). I used it as an opportunity to strengthen my faith in You and joyously spread the good news!


Is Herman Cain actually dead? If not, what happened to him? If so, why did You allow him to die?



Why did You allow Joe Biden to win the presidency?



Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
In January 2020, we were busy watching the final season of GoT (again), when Dad took another bet. Satan was free to invent anything he wanted to smite the sinners and test my sheep. Lame as he is, he only came up with the Corona virus that is now reaping you as if it was another Flood!
What are the terms of this bet? For example, what's the win condition for You & Satan? And what would either of you gain or lose upon completion of this bet?
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-03-2020, 01:18 PM

Dear Sweet Jesus,
Please end the homeless and hungry. Nothing fancy, just make them go away.They are unpleasant to be around. Just thinking of them is upsetting and I'd rather be adoring you.
Your Undying Supporter,
JH


PS - I saw what you did with the COVID scare. Snappy!


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-03-2020, 05:20 PM

Oh, my word! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise this is, dear , to have you passing our messages to our beloved , the . If it's not too much to ask, I wonder if our beloved will favor my very simple request, which pertains to the blessings which we, servants, shall receive when we are taken up to Heaven to be with .

II Timothy 4:8 "Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the , the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love appearing."

If it's not too much to ask of (and I do hate to bother at this very busy time), I wonder if He might make my crown like the one in the attached photo. I just thought it would look particularly nice perched up on my updo; you know, for those times when other crowned people are arriving for tea and pastries at my heavenly mansion.

John 14:2 "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you."

Thank you so much for your understanding, dear and precious, merciful from above.
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Skull Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-12-2020, 04:43 PM

Dear Savior,

I am slightly worried about my past as a secular scientist who used to accept the evil false teachings of evolution, cosmology and the contagion theory of disease and even antibiotics. I know that those can be classified as blasphemy against thee but thou art merciful (Jonah 4:2). However, are those past sins also blasphemies against the Holy Spirit in which case I'd be in big trouble to say the least... Couldst thou tell me if I did commit the unforgivable sin during those years of PCR, cell cultures and occasional detours into Sodomy?

Matthew 12:31
Wherefore I say unto you, All manner of sin and blasphemy shall be forgiven unto men: but the blasphemy against the Holy Ghost shall not be forgiven unto men.


Thine in thee,

Elmer


2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
Check out our Research in Creation Science:
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-12-2020, 07:07 PM

I'd like to know the winning Super Lotto numbers for next year. All of them. Come to think of it, it might be better if you sent those to me in a private message. Thank you, Jesus!

Also, is George Clooney really gay? Don't worry, I'm asking for a friend, not for myself.


EZEKIEL FLINT 2024
A Christian President who'll get behind the working men of America and push hard for a better world.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-23-2020, 03:33 AM

*THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE BY THE CELESTIAL SERVER*

Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Savior of all those who accept Him, Son of God who is God etc. etc. is reconsidering His position. Jesus is still at this very moment on a well-earned vacation after smiting a swarm of mostly uneducated abhorrent sinners with His latest viral variants.

Due to the hitherto lame interest in His teachings, Jesus will or will not Return® to answer your mostly banal questions this Christmas. This will all depend on your demeanor, on the level of Worship targeted at Him, and on the amount of tithes allocated to the Landover Baptist Church and its Spiritual Leaders. During Jesus' absence from social media, you may consult either Pastor Ezekiel or a senior male household member regarding any questions of True Doctrine™. Meanwhile, Jesus will continue to monitor your every thought, movement (bowel or voluntary), and sex act (nasal, manual, genital, oral, rectal, bestial, contra naturam, etc.), in order to winnow undesirable stock from entering His Realm, Heaven.

Praise Him!


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:02 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel View Post
During Rapture, that is very soon, when you lift me up, is there a weight limit for free luggage allowance and if there is, how can you pay for excess baggage?
OK. I'm merciful and I'll be answering your questions. At least one of them is decent and intelligent, the one by one of my bestest friends, Zeke-boy.

Luggage allowance? OK. Depends on the person. Mostly the maidens and youth will be lifted without any baggage including their clothes. For the TC™ pastors, however, the allowance is limitless, but I'm sure you'll find plenty high-quality building materials for a new mansion in Heaven + Arbeitskraf (by angels) to realize your visions! Feel free to take your possession with you. anyways. Bless me!


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:07 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
Dear sweet, kind, noble, loving savoir,

Thank you for once again blessing us with Your grace on this year and choosing not to kill me with the covid disease You lovingly blessed me with (yet). I used it as an opportunity to strengthen my faith in You and joyously spread the good news!
OK.
Quote:
Is Herman Cain actually dead? If not, what happened to him? If so, why did You allow him to die?
Yes, he died. I needed more Arbeitskraft for the Heavenly cotton fields. Someone needs to pick the cotton for the robes I'll be wearing come Rapture (which will be on a Wednesday as you might remember)! The Hamite Cain is doing good work at this very moment although his fingers are bleeding a bit. Bless me!
Quote:
Why did You allow Joe Biden to win the presidency?
I was distracted watching Netflix with Dad.
Quote:
What are the terms of this bet? For example, what's the win condition for You & Satan? And what would either of you gain or lose upon completion of this bet?
Five bucks. I'm losing. Satan has invented ways to prevent the disease. Or maybe it was the other way round. Anyways, it's been fun watching the sinners squirm while they're drowning in their bodily fluids.


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Dear Sweet Jesus,
Please end the homeless and hungry. Nothing fancy, just make them go away. They are unpleasant to be around. Just thinking of them is upsetting and I'd rather be adoring you.
Your Undying Supporter,
JH
No can do. For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.
Quote:
PS - I saw what you did with the COVID scare. Snappy!
I'm disappointed. The death toll is not nearly as high as we were planning. Free will, you know. Masks. Even withholding worship. Diminished tithes.

In fact, I might take a vacation for a few decades. I've been negotiating with the Cthulhu Demon and he's willing to come forth from R'lyeh and kick your ass. I'd like to watch Netflix in peace and he'd be smiting you (he's a badass I can tell you). Here's a recent painting of our talks as published in the New Jerusalem Bulletin.



After Cthulhu has had his way with you (I mean the 99.999% of humankind that spend most of their time anally fornicating) it'll be even more fun to start the Tribulations. Basically, he eats people and during the his interregnum the best you can wish for is to be eaten quickly. Here's a chick tract to explain it to y'all.



I am tempted, I must say. Bless me!


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:20 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Oh, my word! What a pleasant and unexpected surprise this is, dear , to have you passing our messages to our beloved , the . If it's not too much to ask, I wonder if our beloved will favor my very simple request, which pertains to the blessings which we, servants, shall receive when we are taken up to Heaven to be with .
Holy Comoly woman, TLDR with all those long-winded sentences and the fuckture calligraphy. You're the one who accused me of being a Joo last year, aren't you?!
Quote:
II Timothy 4:8 "Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the , the righteous judge, shall give me at that day: and not to me only, but unto all them also that love appearing."

If it's not too much to ask of (and I do hate to bother at this very busy time), I wonder if He might make my crown like the one in the attached photo. I just thought it would look particularly nice perched up on my updo; you know, for those times when other crowned people are arriving for tea and pastries at my heavenly mansion.

John 14:2 "In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you."

Thank you so much for your understanding, dear and precious, merciful from above.
OK, I'm taking macramé classes and I suppose I can try enough knots to make a decent crown within a few millennia.


Blessed is Me.
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Elmer G. White View Post
... Couldst thou tell me if I did commit the unforgivable sin during those years of PCR, cell cultures and occasional detours into Sodomy?
Yes, I could.


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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-25-2020, 01:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
I'd like to know the winning Super Lotto numbers for next year. All of them. Come to think of it, it might be better if you sent those to me in a private message. Thank you, Jesus!
No need to be private. I know all the secrets. The winning numbers are combinations of the following ciphers: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.
Quote:
Also, is George Clooney really gay? Don't worry, I'm asking for a friend, not for myself.
I don't worry. Yes, he is. He's suppressing it but it'll come out eventually. I'm expecting he'll reach out to me and we'll beat it together. Tell your friend that a Demon called Nugent is prepared to meet him in the Bottomless pit. Your "friend" will be tortured for eternity: Imagine, a Top in the Pit wishing for release and there are absolutely no available bottoms for him! Verily, the Pit is one of Dad's better inventions for eternal suffering!


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-26-2020, 02:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
and sex act (nasal, manual, genital, oral, rectal, bestial, contra naturam, etc.), in order to winnow undesirable stock from entering His Realm, Heaven.

Praise Him!
This may be an awkward question, however, I want to make sure that You aren't inadvertently displeased by having to monitor distasteful sex acts.

I'm assuming pleasing sex acts involve acts between straight couples and within marriage, but can You go into anymore detail than this? What sex acts are particularly pleasing for You to monitor and which ones are particularly displeasing?
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Angry Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-26-2020, 04:27 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
This may be an awkward question, however, I want to make sure that You aren't inadvertently displeased by having to monitor distasteful sex acts.

I'm assuming pleasing sex acts involve acts between straight couples and within marriage, but can You go into anymore detail than this? What sex acts are particularly pleasing for You to monitor and which ones are particularly displeasing?


OK. I'm gonna share my worst memories about the time I was incarnated. I can tell y'all that crucifixion is easy and as a God you can always cut out the pain. What I mean with the real worst of the worst is being born. Because of that I can tell y'all that ALL sex is disgusting and watching it is at best tedious and boring but mostly it triggers unimaginable trauma that you cannot fathom.

OK. Imagine this: Mary was about 11-12 when she gave birth to me and she was a freaking VIRGIN. This means that her cooter had never been exposed to any relaxation agents except of her nasty menstrual fluids. It was tight. The pushing and pushing seemed to go on for ever and imagine this! You body is in a constant state of suffocating pressure, you head is being squeezed through an orifice the size of your thumb and you have to tolerate the smells and slime and blood and to be frank she lost bowel and bladder control early on.

ALL sex is disgusting. I still awake each night in cold sweat screaming for the terrors I saw and experienced during by human birth. AND don't try to tell me that you know that you were also born in the same disgusting manner. I tell you you weren't! You never experienced the horrors of a VIRGIN birth with no girth to speak of. I can take a disengaged look at fish spawning (not salmon) any day. If I was to plan human reproduction over with Dad, we'd make you a spawning species. You'd go back to the sea and release the eggs in the millions and your kids would fight it off over there before emerging on a beach almost fully grown.

Because of this, here are no "more" or "less" disgusting forms of sex when it comes to sensory experience. Obviously, from the viewpoint of sin, things get a bit more complicated but JFGI or read the Bible. I wrote it, y'know?

Gotta go. Dad's streaming "Cuties" on Netflix.


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Unhappy Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-27-2020, 04:29 PM

Oh no! I missed the deadline last year and it slipped my mind this year again! Will I EVER have the answer, straight from the keyboard of our Lord and Savior, to one of the great theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for millennia?

WHY did God create Asians?


"No room for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7)?
Not if they'd come to the Blood of Christ Motel!
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Jesus Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-27-2020, 04:44 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
Oh no! I missed the deadline last year and it slipped my mind this year again! Will I EVER have the answer, straight from the keyboard of our Lord and Savior, to one of the great theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for millennia?

WHY did God create Asians?
*THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY BY THE CELESTIAL SERVER*

Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Savior of all those who accept Him, Son of God who is God etc. etc. has left the building. Jesus is on a well-earned vacation and concentrates on Netflix after replying to a swarm of mostly uneducated questions by sinners and Christians alike. He is also filled with unprecedented WRATH, as only two men congratulated Him on His actual Birthday, while the others were preoccupied. This means that no-one else is safe.

Jesus will possibly Return® either next Christmas, Easter, or after the Rapture Event™, whichever occurs first. However, it is prudent to remember that one day and a thousand years are equal to Him in His WRATH! Your questions and many others may be answered during the next episode of His visits. During His absence from social media, you may consult either Pastor Ezekiel or a senior male household member regarding any questions of True Doctrine™. Meanwhile, Jesus will continue to monitor your every thought, movement (bowel or voluntary), and sex act, in order to winnow undesirable stock from entering His Realm, Heaven.

Praise Him!


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-28-2020, 04:51 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
No need to be private.... don't worry. Yes, he is.
Thank you, Jesus!


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2020 - 12-29-2020, 09:46 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post

OK. Imagine this: Mary was about 11-12 when she gave birth to me and she was a freaking VIRGIN. This means that her cooter had never been exposed to any relaxation agents except of her nasty menstrual fluids. It was tight. The pushing and pushing seemed to go on for ever and imagine this! You body is in a constant state of suffocating pressure, you head is being squeezed through an orifice the size of your thumb and you have to tolerate the smells and slime and blood and to be frank she lost bowel and bladder control early on.
On the good side, You, my Savior, are the only being in the whole history of the Universe, Who deflowered His own mother - getting out rather than going in.

How cool is that?
 

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