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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-25-2019, 09:16 PM

Hey, Jesus. Wishing you a grand birthday. Wanted to thank you for healing my toaster after I laid hands upon it. The power comes through you, I know. I can't wait to spread Your Word through this healing testimony.

BTW, if the toast came out with your face on it, my witnessing would have even more impact.


Bless you, My Dear Lord, in Your Name.


Your humble handmaiden,
Handmaiden


His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 12:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Yes, and it saddens me that it is sixty-nine all the time.. And yes, I could! It'll be finished on a Saturday! Glory to Me in the Heavens! These are the great Tidings I bring y'all!
Amazing, not only you are accurate with the number, but also you can perform the miracle of making Mexicans to work on a Saturday. That requires a higher power, and it is a strong sign of your existence, my Lord and Savior!


1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 02:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
And, You see, the truth is that I was going to make Your cake first, but with the complicated dietary restrictions that you Joos go by, I wasn't sure if I would be able to find eggs from a kosher chicken. There is no Joo food market nearby, so I am afraid that I had to use regular eggs from the Piggly Wiggly. And, let's face it, , eggs that come from a store with a pig's name don't quite meet Your Joo standards, do they, Dear?

Sincerely, and with gratitude,
Isabella W.


Me! H! Christ! Now the woman is making me a Jew. They killed me, yaknow! Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. Me!

Gotta watch some Left Behind movies to calm my omniscient mind and my merciful heart. You remind me of Martha the busybody. Her heart was In a good place but she should have spent some more time foot massaging me instead of cooking the yams. Mary M. had of course also better looks, a case relatively similar to yours compared to Melania Trump. Or like the case of Thomas being able to lift more weight from the bench while James worked his thighs better at the gym. For My sake, woman, be more lake Mary M. or James!



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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 02:26 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez View Post
Amazing, not only you are accurate with the number, but also you can perform the miracle of making Mexicans to work on a Saturday. That requires a higher power, and it is a strong sign of your existence, my Lord and Savior!
And verily it also seems that the Messican also took an answer as a permission to speak again. I sometimes wonder if Dad knew what He was doing when the blessed those who were poor in spirit and decided to call them Messicans.


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 02:32 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
Hey, Jesus. Wishing you a grand birthday. Wanted to thank you for healing my toaster after I laid hands upon it. The power comes through you, I know. I can't wait to spread Your Word through this healing testimony.

BTW, if the toast came out with your face on it, my witnessing would have even more impact.

Bless you, My Dear Lord, in Your Name.

Your humble handmaiden,
Handmaiden
That slice of toast was intended to be the first part of a set of 10,000 slices for a jigsaw puzzle that depicts my True Face™. It belonged to my left eyelid, slightly to the right from one of my astonishingly long eyelashes of the lateral part of the eye. You didn't eat it, did you? It was not intended to be used for Catholic cannibalistic blasphemy.


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 02:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus View Post


Me! H! Christ! Now the woman is making me a Jew.
Oh, my word! Well, I am truly ever so very sorry, dear . I know that this is a very tricky topic, but I must assure you that I do take my readings from the very seriously, and from there is where I base my statements.

Matthew 27:37 "And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS."

And, even though You might say that this is what "they" had written, as gossip, I must ask: was not Your beloved mother, Mary, a Joo? And, if so, would that not make You a Joo, too? Goodness, I'm not trying to be confrontational, or anything like that, but I am asking purely from a desire to learn how best I can teach others about Your most glorious Self.

Now, then, does this mean that You found my birthday cake for You was up to Your very high standards?

A truly blessed evening to You, Dear,
Sincerely, Isabella W.


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Skull Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 02:58 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Oh, my word! Well, I am truly ever so very sorry, dear . I know that this is a very tricky topic, but I must assure you that I do take my readings from the very seriously, and from there is where I base my statements.

Matthew 27:37 "And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS."

And, even though You might say that this is what "they" had written, as gossip, I must ask: was not Your beloved mother, Mary, a Joo? And, if so, would that not make You a Joo, too? Goodness, I'm not trying to be confrontational, or anything like that, but I am asking purely from a desire to learn how best I can teach others about Your most glorious Self.

Now, then, does this mean that you found my birthday cake for You was up to Your very high standards?

A truly blessed evening to You, Dear,
Sincerely, Isabella W.
Me!

I never thought I'd have to cite the works by anyone else but this sermon by my good friend Pastor Zeke was written by the Holy Ess so it'll do.

https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=10278

The cake was ok but the dough could have benefited from a dash of manna and myrrh. The Q&A session with you is now over.


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-26-2019, 03:05 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey View Post
Beloved Lord, as a mother of many I know that the most valuable gift is to be left in peace once in a while. My gift to You this year is to give You time off from answering my stupid questions. So I will not ask one.

I will, though, wish You a very Happy Birthday.

Yours for All Eternity
Joanna
The sapphire bracelet is in your fridge in the freezer compartment behind the bag of frozen peas. It was never lost and as you didn't ask I won't tell you how it got there but I'd suggest a spanking session of some underage males if I were in your shoes. Which I am not. The sandals we used with the guys were just plain nasty which is why we did all the constant feet washing rituals. John's hand could do extraordinary stuff with your feet. Those were the days.


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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-27-2019, 08:27 AM

Happy Birthday JC! We're eternally grateful for smiting our enemies, and thank you for delivering unto us your humble servant Donald Trump to annoy and dispatch the Democrats, socialists, and communists, and for freeing us from Omamunism. Amen.



Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
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Question Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-29-2019, 12:28 AM

If you're still taking questions Lord, I think we'd all appreciate an answer to one of the deep theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for ages:

Why did God create Asians?


"No room for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7)?
Not if they'd come to the Blood of Christ Motel!
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-29-2019, 04:32 AM

Hello I'm interested in Moses. I know about Enoch who, during his travels, was transported directly away. I know someone who thinks that means his time-dilating spacecraft malfunctioned (possibly going into ultrawarp i.e. beyond the 1 KPD limit, rather than exploding) but I'm not advocating such a ridiculous theory which transgresses the cosmology Thou hast so clearly expounded.

Similarly for Elijah. He was on the earth. Then he was sucked off. A whirlwind took him straight to Heaven as was witnessed by Elisha and evidently well known to the local children (in this case if someone said the whirlwind needs to be a tornado I wouldn't argue) but Thou knowest this already. Enoch and Elijah had not died and were available to pop back down from the heaven Thou hast described at any time.

At the time of Moses passing, on the other hand, what happened to his body is not described. Satan was squabbling over it but where it went remains a mystery and if in fact he was missing, presumed dead, he might have gone the same way as Enoch. (Again, I'm not suggesting Thou wert setting up a colony "earthside" and that Moses disrupted Thy time-dilator causing a recoil effect as some people would claim.)

Couldst Thou enlighten me on this point?







1. Kiloyears Per Day
2. due to the amount of suction required
3. Deuteronomy 34:5-6
4. Jude 1:9
5. Presumably they'd say a hyperspatial conduit was opened between the Nile and a rock at Rephidim Exodus 17:5-6 with Thine own authority but at Kadesh Numbers 20:11-12 the striking mechanism exceeded design limits set by wormhole engineers triggering a future (as it would seem to us) recoil and opening a gateway for the devil to get his hands on Moses. Otherwise, they would say, why would he only target Moses? Satan ought to find Enoch or the Magdalene at least as appealing – from his point of view; obviously I spend very little time thinking about this except insofar as I need to be ready with an answer for any depraved freaks I bump into. They really do have very poor dress sense.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-29-2019, 01:56 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
If you're still taking questions Lord, I think we'd all appreciate an answer to one of the deep theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for ages:

Why did God create Asians?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
Hello I'm interested in Moses. I know about Enoch who, during his travels, was transported directly away. I know someone who thinks that means his time-dilating spacecraft malfunctioned (possibly going into ultrawarp i.e. beyond the 1 KPD limit, rather than exploding) but I'm not advocating such a ridiculous theory which transgresses the cosmology Thou hast so clearly expounded.

Similarly for Elijah. He was on the earth. Then he was sucked off. A whirlwind took him straight to Heaven as was witnessed by Elisha and evidently well known to the local children (in this case if someone said the whirlwind needs to be a tornado I wouldn't argue) but Thou knowest this already. Enoch and Elijah had not died and were available to pop back down from the heaven Thou hast described at any time.

At the time of Moses passing, on the other hand, what happened to his body is not described. Satan was squabbling over it but where it went remains a mystery and if in fact he was missing, presumed dead, he might have gone the same way as Enoch. (Again, I'm not suggesting Thou wert setting up a colony "earthside" and that Moses disrupted Thy time-dilator causing a recoil effect as some people would claim.)

Couldst Thou enlighten me on this point?

1. Kiloyears Per Day
2. due to the amount of suction required
3. Deuteronomy 34:5-6
4. Jude 1:9
5. Presumably they'd say a hyperspatial conduit was opened between the Nile and a rock at Rephidim Exodus 17:5-6 with Thine own authority but at Kadesh Numbers 20:11-12 the striking mechanism exceeded design limits set by wormhole engineers triggering a future (as it would seem to us) recoil and opening a gateway for the devil to get his hands on Moses. Otherwise, they would say, why would he only target Moses? Satan ought to find Enoch or the Magdalene at least as appealing – from his point of view; obviously I spend very little time thinking about this except insofar as I need to be ready with an answer for any depraved freaks I bump into. They really do have very poor dress sense.
*THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY BY THE CELESTIAL SERVER*

Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Savior of all those who accept Him, Son of God who is God etc. etc. has left the building. Jesus is on a well-earned vacation after replying to a swarm of mostly uneducated questions by sinners and Christians alike.

Jesus will Return® either next Christmas, Easter, or after the Rapture Event™, whichever occurs first. Your questions and many others will be answered during the next episode of His visits. During His absence from social media, you may consult either Pastor Ezekiel or a senior male household member regarding any questions of True Doctrine™. Meanwhile, Jesus will continue to monitor your every thought, movement (bowel or voluntary), and sex act, in order to winnow undesirable stock from entering His Realm, Heaven.

Praise Him!


Blessed is Me.
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Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-29-2019, 07:47 PM

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Originally Posted by Jesus View Post
Jesus will Return® either next Christmas, Easter, or after the Rapture Event™, whichever occurs first.
Exciting news! Our savoir, who traditionally only answers our questions around Christmas time, may appear as early as Easter of 2020!
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Joanna Lytton-Vasey Joanna Lytton-Vasey is offline
True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
 

Christian Love Heaven Bound Most Obedient True Christian Lady True Christian™ Protected by JESUS Ready for the Rapture Kirk Cameron Fan Club Touched by Jesus Quiverful Cleanest Kitchen Mother of 2 boys or 5 girls One Year/1000 posts The Hatchet Child Rearing Award Hatchet Child Rearing Award Ex-Brit Trump of GOD Roper Crossburn Grammar Nazi Donald Trump 2016! Trumpette Mission to Messico Hands Off Saved 1 Year 2015 Witch Hunt Award In Love With Zeke Pro-Life Ex-eurotrash Persecuted Stamp of Approval Mower Proud Survivor of the Overwatch Wars Wall of Jesus Alternative Facts GLORY Hold re-election 2020 for Jesus Team Fortress Rebuker Extraordinaire Proud TP Rebuker for Christ Polling for Christ Crown of Incorruptibility God's chosen ones Anti-Biden

 
Posts: 6,833
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!Joanna Lytton-Vasey will sit at the right hand of Jesus Himself come the Glory!
Default Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! - 12-29-2019, 08:33 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior View Post
Exciting news! Our savoir, who traditionally only answers our questions around Christmas time, may appear as early as Easter of 2020!
Or the Rapture, if (as we pray) sooner!


Thank Thee, , for the tip about the bracelet. Thou wouldst not believe what else we found in there - well, obviously Thou wouldst, because everything is known to Thee. The culprits have been identified and punished and the insurance money has been added to Pastor Zeke's aircraft fund. After all this time, it's not worth the bother of repaying the insurance company.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
 

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