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Default WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-09-2020, 03:30 AM

There has been a lot of talk in the news lately about unwanted seeds showing up in the mail, sent by Chinamen from China and labeled door knobs and such. If you receive these seeds you must not plant them! They look like normal seeds, but it is Satan who is behind all this.

There is no telling what will grow from those seeds or even how long this has been going on. They may have been doing this for a long time and there is no telling what evil menace has sprouted from those seeds. It may be some kind of mind control plan. I think they might even be involved with these riots in Portland Oregon.

If you receive any of these seeds in the mail, contact one of the Pastors and the police right away and do not plant even one seed.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-09-2020, 03:00 PM

These seeds are the real reason the Chinavirus is spreading. If you receive them, either throw them away or drop them off at the nearest Chinese restaurant for disposal.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-10-2020, 02:30 AM

Looks like this is another idea that the Chinese communists stole from us - and perhaps what the Democrats really mean by "The Green New Deal".



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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-10-2020, 09:42 PM

Heh heh, don't tell anyone but I've started sending the Chinaman packets of my own seed. If they spill it, they go to Hell. This is spiritual warfare.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-13-2020, 05:59 PM

Just today I have received in the mail some seeds which I had ordered way back in February. February! How am I supposed to plant them now when the days are getting shorter and the winter will soon be looming on the horizon?!

They arrived all the way from something called "Kyrgyzstan" which I'm pretty sure is the random alphabet soup caused by a cat walking through the keyboard. They look like what I had ordered, but how can we be sure that these are not the Chinese mystery seeds?!?
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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-14-2020, 01:01 AM

It’s all a plot by god hatin Biden and immigrant hellspawn Kamala Harris to make our Christian president look bad. Throw those seeds AWAY!!!!!!!
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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-15-2020, 03:35 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Just today I have received in the mail some seeds which I had ordered way back in February. February! How am I supposed to plant them now when the days are getting shorter and the winter will soon be looming on the horizon?!

They arrived all the way from something called "Kyrgyzstan" which I'm pretty sure is the random alphabet soup caused by a cat walking through the keyboard. They look like what I had ordered, but how can we be sure that these are not the Chinese mystery seeds?!?
Sister, those seeds may be dangerous and I believe you ought to contact Pastor Zeke's office immediately. He may want to get a look at them himself.


I read in the newspaper that some fool in Arkansas or some place like that got some of those seeds and he planted them. They came up and looked just like squash but the agriculture department came and got them and they burned them up in an incinerator. I don't think they were squash. I think they were growing pod people and sent here by Chinamen in league with Satan to replace us.


Sister, I think if you plant those seeds you may be turned into some kind of zombie and possible even a Democrat.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-15-2020, 06:14 PM

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Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
I read in the newspaper that some fool in Arkansas or some place like that got some of those seeds and he planted them. They came up and looked just like squash but the agriculture department came and got them and they burned them up in an incinerator. I don't think they were squash. I think they were growing pod people and sent here by Chinamen in league with Satan to replace us.

Sister, I think if you plant those seeds you may be turned into some kind of zombie and possible even a Democrat.
Oh come on, that's impossible! I have planted the seeds and if pod people start sprouting, I'll find a way to euthanize them promptly.

Now if you excuse me, I haven't had my lunch yet, and I'm having trouble finding in my refrigerator ingredients for a meal that would be vegan, non-GMO, fair trade, and gluten free, and I need to eat something before I go participate in an all-gender and genderless inclusive social media protest regarding whatever the most current outrage is about. I am easily triggered, and boycotting everything and everyone that possibly can be boycotted is the only thing that calms me down.



EDIT:
Oh my God you were right!!!!! I have turned into a whiny democrat!!!! Please pray for me!!!! I'm burning the container where I planted the seeds as we speak!!!!! Oh I pray to God that this change is reversible!!! God have mercy!!!!

Last edited by Basilissa; 08-15-2020 at 06:27 PM. Reason: I beg you all, pray for me!
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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-16-2020, 12:35 AM

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. . . ingredients for a meal that would be vegan, non-GMO, fair trade, and gluten free. . .
No wonder such people are not afraid of going to hell. They clearly have nothing to live for here on earth if they consider what you have described as "food".


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-16-2020, 02:07 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Oh come on, that's impossible! I have planted the seeds and if pod people start sprouting, I'll find a way to euthanize them promptly.

Now if you excuse me, I haven't had my lunch yet, and I'm having trouble finding in my refrigerator ingredients for a meal that would be vegan, non-GMO, fair trade, and gluten free, and I need to eat something before I go participate in an all-gender and genderless inclusive social media protest regarding whatever the most current outrage is about. I am easily triggered, and boycotting everything and everyone that possibly can be boycotted is the only thing that calms me down.



EDIT:
Oh my God you were right!!!!! I have turned into a whiny democrat!!!! Please pray for me!!!! I'm burning the container where I planted the seeds as we speak!!!!! Oh I pray to God that this change is reversible!!! God have mercy!!!!
Prayer is the answer, Sister. Only God has all the answers to life's travails. The Chinese seeds you planted have brought Satan into your life and that is an event not to be ignored, but Old Scratch cannot stand before God. Throw out the Devil with that plant and ask forgiveness. Resist any urge to buy a Subaru, Volvo or Prius. God will save you with His infinite mercy.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-17-2020, 03:19 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
Prayer is the answer, Sister. Only God has all the answers to life's travails. The Chinese seeds you planted have brought Satan into your life and that is an event not to be ignored, but Old Scratch cannot stand before God. Throw out the Devil with that plant and ask forgiveness. Resist any urge to buy a Subaru, Volvo or Prius. God will save you with His infinite mercy.
Yes, indeed! Throw away the sinful Chinee seeds and Our Lord may reward you as richly as this brother was blessed.


Jesus' generosity: Trump-lovin' Christian rewarded with a Mercedes-Benz.


Clearly no True Christian™ should lower himself with a Subaru when Jesus has Greater Things in store for him.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-17-2020, 05:32 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
Prayer is the answer, Sister. Only God has all the answers to life's travails. The Chinese seeds you planted have brought Satan into your life and that is an event not to be ignored, but Old Scratch cannot stand before God. Throw out the Devil with that plant and ask forgiveness.
I am, Brother, I certainly am! My road to recovery is long and arduous. I went to a supermarket and heroically resisted purchasing a package of meringues advertised as "gluten free fat free." Now, I don't normally understand the kind of people who buy meringues given that the process of making them yourself is not that difficult - you just need egg whites, sugar, and lemon juice. I am not entirely sure which one of these ingredients is supposed to contain gluten and fat, but something has to in order to advertise "GLUTEN FREE FAT FREE" meringues, right?



Quote:
Resist any urge to buy a Subaru, Volvo or Prius. God will save you with His infinite mercy.
Uh... hypothetically... speaking for a friend... would that really make a difference if such a purchase had been made in a moment of weakness? And would it matter if in this hypothetical car NPR were the default radio station?


Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden View Post
No wonder such people are not afraid of going to hell. They clearly have nothing to live for here on earth if they consider what you have described as "food".
Thank you for praying for my recovery, Sister. (You were praying, right, not secretly wishing that I die of orthorexia?)
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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-18-2020, 02:23 PM

Sister, it is one thing to drive around in a false car, but NPR is something else. It is the multi-thousand watt, clear channel voice of the Devil. Allowing the Devil to speak his honeyed words into your ear as you drive along is inviting catastrophe.

I hope you haven't fallen victim to the urge to purchase a Democrat car, but if you have, the car will not harm you. It will only make you embarrassed to drive in public. Luckily, everyone is wearing masks, so you can avoid recognition until such time as you can trade in the thing. NPR is a different matter. If I was in a car and the radio was tuned to NPR and couldn't be stopped, I would draw my revolver and shoot the radio. That is my advice to you as well, though I pray it is unneeded advice.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-18-2020, 08:07 PM

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Originally Posted by Alvin Moss View Post
Sister, it is one thing to drive around in a false car, but NPR is something else. It is the multi-thousand watt, clear channel voice of the Devil. Allowing the Devil to speak his honeyed words into your ear as you drive along is inviting catastrophe.

I hope you haven't fallen victim to the urge to purchase a Democrat car, but if you have, the car will not harm you. It will only make you embarrassed to drive in public. Luckily, everyone is wearing masks, so you can avoid recognition until such time as you can trade in the thing. NPR is a different matter. If I was in a car and the radio was tuned to NPR and couldn't be stopped, I would draw my revolver and shoot the radio. That is my advice to you as well, though I pray it is unneeded advice.
Uh, um, well, of course this advice is unwanted, I mean unneeded, right. I thank you for your prayers. I will turn off the audio, that is, I'll tell my friend to turn off the radio. Even, I mean, especially during the All Things Considered program.



I regret not believing in the real dangers of planting the Chinese seeds. I urge everyone who, like me, might downplay this danger. LISTEN TO THE AUTHORITIES AND TAKE ALL SAFETY PRECAUTIONS! That's the only way to protect our society from this disease.
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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-18-2020, 08:25 PM

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Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
I went to a supermarket and heroically resisted purchasing a package of meringues advertised as "gluten free fat free." Now, I don't normally understand the kind of people who buy meringues given that the process of making them yourself is not that difficult - you just need egg whites, sugar, and lemon juice. I am not entirely sure which one of these ingredients is supposed to contain gluten and fat, but something has to in order to advertise "GLUTEN FREE FAT FREE" meringues, right?
I think it's intended to reassure those poor souls who find that snacking between meals on two loaves of white bread and a pound of peanut butter per day causes bloating. Meringues, it seems, are the healthy alternative.


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Default Re: WARNING! Do not plant Chinese mystery seeds! - 08-18-2020, 09:30 PM

The word Meringue looks like one of those suggestive Mexican dances. That is a big red flag for me. Isn't that stuff mostly air?


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