[Santa Claus]

Ho Ho Ho!

It's December 2017 and I'm on duty! How great is that? It's overcast here in my North Pole Headquarters but we're hoping to admire some stars later on! Things are not very good over here. Sea ice is disappearing every year. You might have heard how my favorite animal friends are starving.

I know that you have a lot of wishes for this Christmas! Ask me anything and I'll deliver something! It is not always what you want but what you need! I know that in this nice community most of the spinsters and a surprisingly high number of bachelors are asking for a man in their lives. Similarly, a few bachelors and quite many spinsters are requesting that I deliver a bride. Please, you should realize that I don't deliver people. Nor do I deliver wisdom, intelligence or peace of mind. You must ask the Jesus guy for those. I deliver goods. Jesus, incidentally, will get some appropriate toiletries with frankincense scent!



Keeping that in mind, feel free to ask me anything. Ho Ho Ho.

[MitzaLizalor]

Yes, well the sooner polar bears go extinct the better.

I would like a couple of brace dressed goose (not those Canadian things, they're too tough) thanks. Last year the beef was excellent, prime ribs nicely hung and some more of that hand reared shoulder ham. Yummy all the way to January!

[BrotherLarry]

Dear Santa:


I have been a very intelligent, well-built, handsome, and GOOD certified equine gnathologist this past year. I do not ask for much this year but please provide all of the following if possible:


1. Lots of baby clothes for Mary Etheldreda's daughter, although she will tell you she doesn't need them. (Mary will say this, not the daughter)


2. A new outfit for church, suitable for someone of my stature.


3. Fruits and nuts


4. A response to my application for residency in Freehold, Iowa.


5. An iPhone X with JesOs installed.


Also, please bring lots of surprises. Be sure the poor children of the world are taken care of.


Sincerely, your pal,
Larry


PS: You didn't ever respond to my question about when I was a kid and I was on your lap and we were playing horsey and - well, you know the rest. I'm still curious.

[James Hutchins]

Dear Santa,
My family and I would like peace on Earth and Goodwill towards all men.

Just kidding! I'd like Pastor Ezeikel to get a houseboy that does not have dysentery. I'd like Daisy Mae to finally get hitched. I'd like Miss Cookie to respond to my Vanity plate request for my Hummer "Bless Me'. Most of all, I'd like you to provide something for the smell that emanates from the back seat of the Vista Cruiser.

[handmaiden]

Dear Santa,

I would like some Belgian chocolate. Preferably dark chocolate with buttercreme or ganache fillings. Nuts are okay, I guess, but no coconut!


I also don't want to hear any more dirges about innocent children being forced to labor on cocoa plantations. Kids love chocolate! I don't understand the problem. If they were being forced to harvest cod liver oil, I could see where that would suck.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

Yes, well the sooner polar bears go extinct the better.

I would like a couple of brace dressed goose (not those Canadian things, they're too tough) thanks. Last year the beef was excellent, prime ribs nicely hung and some more of that hand reared shoulder ham. Yummy all the way to January!

Ho! It's Mitza my girlygirl! It's been too long! Almost a year! Did you ever finish that nice book that I gave you when you were three?



Please re-check the goose entry (hint: geese). But of course I'll give you some geese. You've been a good girl, haven't you! This is the one that I've chosen for you, dear child!



And as a very special extra nice surprise, be prepared for this! I know that it's your favorite product! We all need to keep up our appearances, don't we?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by The Horse Guy

Dear Santa:

I have been a very intelligent, well-built, handsome, and GOOD certified equine gnathologist this past year. I do not ask for much this year but please provide all of the following if possible:

1. Lots of baby clothes for Mary Etheldreda's daughter, although she will tell you she doesn't need them. (Mary will say this, not the daughter)

Of course you've been a nice boy, Larry! You're the Horse Guy, aren't you! Of course you are! I'll consider this Wish List of Intercession based on her good behavior!

2. A new outfit for church, suitable for someone of my stature.

Consider this done. I don't really trespass churches, no decent chimneys and the pungent aroma of mangers during this time of the year is so much less attractive than my reindeer scents. So I don't really about suitable outfits but I consulted some Spaniards and they use these garments in processions. I'll deliver one to you!

3. Fruits and nuts

OK, but don't you also need something to chew them with?

4. A response to my application for residency in Freehold, Iowa.

Here it is!

5. An iPhone X with JesOs installed.

I don't do software. Only hardware and core.

Also, please bring lots of surprises. Be sure the poor children of the world are taken care of.

Sincerely, your pal,
Larry

PS: You didn't ever respond to my question about when I was a kid and I was on your lap and we were playing horsey and - well, you know the rest. I'm still curious.

No, I didn't. You were so deep into horseplay that you never ever were satisfied with anything less than the real beast. You got bored and went to the stables to meet that Arabian Stallion. Or Stallone, my memory is not what it used to be. As a surprise present, I'll send you this beautiful specimen to complement you sizeable collection of similar items!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

Dear Santa,
I'd like you to provide something for the smell that emanates from the back seat of the Vista Cruiser.

Jamie! My sweet baby boy! I have just the thing for you!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by handmaiden

Dear Santa,

I would like some Belgian chocolate. Preferably dark chocolate with buttercreme or ganache fillings. Nuts are okay, I guess, but no coconut!

I also don't want to hear any more dirges about innocent children being forced to labor on cocoa plantations. Kids love chocolate! I don't understand the problem. If they were being forced to harvest cod liver oil, I could see where that would suck.

Handy-Dandy-Dandelion-Zion-my-oh-my I'd like some Dandelion Wine! Gee! You're so modest this year. Can do!



I'll also give you a solution to the other problem!



You may sit on my lap come Christmas Day!

[Nahkriin]

Dear Santa, I would like some new hunting gear. A ghillie suit, M27, Barrett M82, some bear traps and a tree stand.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Nahkriin

Dear Santa, I would like some new hunting gear. A ghillie suit, M27, Barrett M82, some bear traps and a tree stand.

Darling,

I am not a great fan of violent stuff, but what the heck! It's Christmas! Please be prepared for the delivery of these nice items made of the best genuine plastics! Of course, this is optional and depends on you goodness during the next few days!





And you can play around with this nice tree stand with your Mom!



Ho ho ho! You'll be so cute frolicking around wielding these items with your little friends!

[DolliMoans]

Dear Santa, I would like you to visit my house first. How do you determine the ordinal of your celestial route? Do you hit up all the Eskimo kids first, or do you not bother with them?
G
My wish list is large and pending. Please stand by.

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Did you ever finish that nice book that I gave you when you were three?

It was the first book I had with a thumb index and, together with its companion volume the following year, has been a fascinating read!

Unfortunately it's a bit bulky for the overnight bag (I never travel with luggage) but I do have the other one.

Although very interesting as you may glean from the title page it doesn't contain a lot of nouns including goose which I just checked. The one you've pictured is an interesting shape and I look forward to unwrapping it.

Thank you for the other product. That model looks like she's had an accident with the peroxide. I hope she recovered OK. It's always included but I avoid peroxide unless for the ears and it's pretty good on ants too!

I do not have ants at present.

Thank you for replying.

.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by DolliMoans

Dear Santa, I would like you to visit my house first. How do you determine the ordinal of your celestial route? Do you hit up all the Eskimo kids first, or do you not bother with them?
G
My wish list is large and pending. Please stand by.

HO! It's the Little Moanie! FYI, the Santa Route is not sequential but simultaneous. My time, on Christmas, is always fulfilled. It's quantum stuff that even Jesus H. Christ has failed to attain! Ha! As for your requests, Í'm looking forward to delivering you stuff that you need. Let us begin with some practical items to help you keep your sanity and your remaining family alive.



And it's made from plastic. My favorite material!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor

It was the first book I had with a thumb index and, together with its companion volume the following year, has been a fascinating read!

Unfortunately it's a bit bulky for the overnight bag (I never travel with luggage) but I do have the other one.

Although very interesting as you may glean from the title page it doesn't contain a lot of nouns including goose which I just checked. The one you've pictured is an interesting shape and I look forward to unwrapping it.

Thank you for the other product. That model looks like she's had an accident with the peroxide. I hope she recovered OK. It's always included but I avoid peroxide unless for the ears and it's pretty good on ants too!

I do not have ants at present.

Thank you for replying.

.

Mitza! Girlie-girl! You're so polite and well-behaved that I'm gonna give you the etymology of the word"ant" as a special treat:

c. 1500 shortening of Middle English ampte (late 14c.), from Old English æmette "ant," from West Germanic *emaitjon (source also of Old High German ameiza, German Ameise) from a compound of Germanic *e-, *ai- "off, away" + *mai- "cut," from PIE root *mai- (1) "to cut" (see maim). Thus the insect's name is, etymologically, "the biter-off.

As þycke as ameten crepeþ in an amete hulle [chronicle of Robert of Gloucester, 1297]. Emmet survived into 20c. as an alternative form. White ant "termite" is from 1729. To have ants in one's pants "be nervous and fidgety" is from 1934, made current by a popular song; antsy embodies the same notion.

Ho?! I din't know that myself.

[AndreaAnn]

Dear Santa:

My only wish this coming Christmas is to have a wonderful and happy life. Im hoping to have someone whom I can love for the rest of my life. Is someone available out there, I'm looking forward to meet you.

Thank you Santa, I hope you can find one for me.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by AndreaAnn

Dear Santa:

My only wish this coming Christmas is to have a wonderful and happy life. Im hoping to have someone whom I can love for the rest of my life. Is someone available out there, I'm looking forward to meet you.

Thank you Santa, I hope you can find one for me.

HO! Dear Andrea! I do remember you (I remember everybody) but I have to admit that my memory is not quite as good as it used to be in the 1920's or thereabouts. Were you the one who was actually not born a woman? But you are a sweet, sweet girl now. Let's look at at your wishes! You want me to give you a person...

Originally Posted by Me

...Please, you should realize that I don't deliver people. Nor do I deliver wisdom, intelligence or peace of mind. You must ask the Jesus guy for those. I deliver goods...

Keeping that in mind, feel free to ask me anything. Ho Ho Ho.

I do wish that you would have read the actual opening post but as I am more forgiving than the Jesus guy (who's gonna deliver 99% of your lot into his Hell), I'll see what I can do. I have donated in your name a substantial amount of money to Shark Advocates International for the protection of the Greenland shark. They live up to 512 years so the recipient of this donation will survive you by many centuries and you can love it for the rest of your life. A Greenland shark looks like this:



As a special friendly benefit, here's a stuffed toy model for you to cuddle in the decades to come.



Btw, I am pleased that this year I am much more popular than Jesus! Ho ho ho to that!

[Walter Van Slyke]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Keeping that in mind, feel free to ask me anything. Ho Ho Ho.

I would like you to just go away. Christian children should go to bed on Christmas eve thinking about the gifts of Holy Spirit made possible by the blood of Jesus, not disposable junk supposedly made by deformed, enslaved humans that was in reality purchased at Walmart.


Also, I'd like a wife. You know the requirements. I send them every year and you ignore me.


Humbly,


Wally

[handmaiden]

512 YEARS! Nuh-uh, not possible. Who would be silly enough to believe that something could live that long?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Walter Van Slyke

I would like you to just go away. Christian children should go to bed on Christmas eve thinking about the gifts of Holy Spirit made possible by the blood of Jesus, not disposable junk supposedly made by deformed, enslaved humans that was in reality purchased at Walmart.

Also, I'd like a wife. You know the requirements. I send them every year and you ignore me.

Humbly,

Wally

Aren't you cute when you have a tantrum! Of course, that is a bit naughty and must be taken into consideration when deciding upon your presents! If you had not cherry-picked my opening statement you would have been able to read this.

...Please, you should realize that I don't deliver people. Nor do I deliver wisdom, intelligence or peace of mind. You must ask the Jesus guy for those. I deliver goods...

Keeping that in mind, feel free to ask me anything. Ho Ho Ho.

OK. Your first request. No. I am sorry but I am here to stay as long as people teach their kids to covet riches on Earth. If you, my Wally-Dolly, had even as much faith as a hot dog with mustard and sesame seeds, you'd be able to enjoy the anticipation of uncovering a package to see if the next action figure is among the shiny paper shards and glitter. If you had become a grown-up, you'd be able to immerse in the joy of the children and their anticipation.

I know your list of requirements. Obedient, good cook, hard-working, humble, taciturn, house-trained. You want a wife but what you need is as follows:



Ho.