Landover to the Rescue - Christian Help Forum A Christian Help Forum led by Sister Daisy Mae Johnson. Warning! Sometimes the Lord's advice is a hard pill to swallow. |
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Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
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Posts: 6,686
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Woodlawn Drive, Freehold, USA USA USA
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 05:45 PM
My motto is:
Do not ye risk
The dark continents abroad
The further from Freehold
The further from God™
(the end)
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Linguistics and Translation Consultant
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,192
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 05:48 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mistress Cookie
My motto is:
Do not ye risk
The dark continents abroad
The further from Freehold
The further from God™
(the end)
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Blessed art thou who art fortunate enough to live by that tenet sister.
Some of us are stuck here. (Abroad)
And brother Dewitt's livelihood depends on abroad too.
YIC, McUinnean, of that abroad Ilk.
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#63 on Forbes'...but #1 in Jesus's Heart
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Posts: 6,234
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Freehold, Ia
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 05:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Sheep McUinnean
Blessed art thou who art fortunate enough to live by that tenet sister.
Some of us are stuck here. (Abroad)
And brother Dewitt's livelihood depends on abroad too.
YIC, McUinnean, of that abroad Ilk.
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I do have business interests in foreign lands, but I do not do business with broads, just men.
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Petite pearl of Baptist womanhood
True Christian™
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Posts: 6,686
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Woodlawn Drive, Freehold, USA USA USA
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:00 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Sheep McUinnean
Blessed art thou who art fortunate enough to live by that tenet sister. Some of us are stuck here. (Abroad)
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That is a tragedy. You are such a firm and devout True Christian™ I sometimes forget you are outside our gates.
I have half a mind to risk it all and borrow Brother DeWitt's jet to fly over there to overhaul your cottage in True Red White & Blue Patriotic Fashion. It would remind all visitors where your sympathy lies, and also serve as a daily inspiration to you as to what your blessed future holds.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 395
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: On a Divine Quest in Dunghole Denmarkistan
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:12 PM
If any of you True Americans™ ever need to travel to lowly Denmarkistan for some reason let me advise you to buy a zipperless rubber suit like this one:
This suit could possibly save you from being raped by a gang of Denmarkian sodomites. Most Denmarkians are really lazy and if they have a hard time getting your clothes off they will just give up and rape something else.
To the atheists:
To the false christians:
Feel like pissing off God? Perhaps this will change your mind:
Hosea 13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
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Linguistics and Translation Consultant
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Posts: 2,192
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:17 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johannes Kirkeholm
If any of you True Americans™ ever need to travel to lowly Denmarkistan for some reason let me advise you to buy a zipperless rubber suit like this one:
This suit could possibly save you from being raped by a gang of Denmarkian sodomites. Most Denmarkians are really lazy and if they have a hard time getting your clothes off they will just give up and rape something else.
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Very sage advice brother. It's also handy if they fall into a canal or have to sneak across the water to Switzerland.
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Linguistics and Translation Consultant
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Posts: 2,192
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: LBC Language Lab
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:39 PM
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 395
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: On a Divine Quest in Dunghole Denmarkistan
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:39 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lost Sheep McUinnean
Very sage advice brother. It's also handy if they fall into a canal or have to sneak across the water to Switzerland.
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It sure is smart! Just ask for a Greatly Improved Molestation Prevention suit (aslo called GIMP suit for short) at your local clothing store.
To the atheists:
To the false christians:
Feel like pissing off God? Perhaps this will change your mind:
Hosea 13:16 Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up.
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Linguistics and Translation Consultant
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,192
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: LBC Language Lab
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 06:41 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johannes Kirkeholm
It sure is smart! Just ask for a Greatly Improved Molestation Prevention suit (aslo called GIMP suit for short) at your local clothing store.
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It's technically the exact opposite of the Scottish kilt (Knee-high Interference Linen Trousersubstitute) in that sense then!
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Ex-prostitute on her knees for the Lord Now that she's Saved©, Priceless
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-15-2010, 11:37 PM
While Brother Dewitt and I were in the Orient for his business (I'm working for him in his estate in Key West currently), Brother James had to travel alone to Thailand and Cambodia for some important, strictly confidential business meetings. At first I was worried for my safety, being in heathen Hong Kong all by myself with only a dedicated private security team to protect me, but I survived, and have compiled a list of helpful tips for the woman who has to, for whatever reason, travel alone in heathen countries. Let me preface this by stating, however, that no amount of womanly advice comes even close to a substitute for having a True Christian™ man chaperoning you.
Exercise proper hotel safety
This is very important! The first thing a woman traveling alone needs to do is make sure they get a room far away from an elevator, preferably in a hallway with bad lighting. This gives you extra time to react if you know a heathen is coming towards your room, and a poorly lit hallway gives plenty of great places to hide and cower in fear in case of an emergency.
When checking in and filling in the guest registration for a hotel, give the desk clerk your full name and marital status (i.e. Miss or Mrs.). This lets the hotel staff know that a woman is staying there and allows them to take the necessary precautions, such as segregating you from other guests if it is your unclean time. Additionally, make sure the desk clerk reads your room number out to you in a loud, clear voice and repeats it a few times, so any True Christians™ in the area know how to find you in case of persecution from heathens.
Only go out under the cover of night
This might seem a little strange, but its for your own safety! Since everybody who isn't a True Christian™ is a horrifying sinner, you want to make sure that if you leave the hotel you do it when there are less sinners on the street. Also, steer clear of populated streets and use deserted alleyways as short-cuts. This significantly lowers your chances of meeting anybody, which means it also lowers your chances of meeting a disgusting sinner!
Keep all your documents in one place, and keep them on you at all times
A fanny pack like the one Pastor Levi suggested works great!
Dress like a True Christian™ lady
This advice especially applies if you find yourself in a country with a large mooslim population. You want to let them know you're an American woman and a citizen of the most powerful country in the world. Don't let the terrorists win and don't wear a burkha, assert your God-given rights to dress in a modest, but above all American, way!
Don't trust anybody
Even if they are a fellow tourist, remember that only a small percentage of the population are True Christians™. This means that if you don't have a proper escort for whatever reason, you are far safer traveling alone then with any company.
How to deal with unsolicited attention
If you aren't a filthy harlot, then you shouldn't be dealing with this problem anyways, but its important to remember that different countries have different social norms for approaching women. The best advice I can give if you find yourself getting too much attention from the local menfolk is to be demure, helpful, and above all don't make a scene. Chances are you would get yourself all worked up and come down with a case of the female hysterics.
Don't bother learning the local body language and culture
Chances are, they're all hellbound heathens anyways.
Don't bother your friends back home
Frankly, they have better things to be doing than wasting time checking up on you, or they would be traveling too! There will be plenty of time for gossiping about your trip when you get back home, so don't worry.
Finally, don't register your trip with the Department of State. You'll only get into a situation where the local embassy needs to know of your presence if you've been being sinful and haven't been following God's commandments correctly, and you don't want to encourage the kind of big government spending that just comes with a bunch of red tape and bureaucracy.
I hope this has been helpful!
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-16-2010, 10:14 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Levi Jones
What other advice do you have for the would be American in a foreign country?
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Do not trouble if you visit Germany , Germans like Americans, have a good police, there are not too much gypsies or criminals.
Proverbs 1:7 King James Version (KJV)
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.
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Senior Pastor Ex-liberal; converted to True Christianity™ Always Biblically correct
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Location: 13706 Levite's Sojourn Terr., Gibeah Hill, Freehold, Iowa
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-16-2010, 10:35 PM
- Ask who that broad is on the currency. Foreigners will be impressed that you pay such good attention.
- Don't bother learning the values of the various coins, even if they're plainly indicated in numerals. Cashiers get paid good money to help you with that.
- Or better yet, use Christ's favorite currency, the greenback.
- It's a waste of time to learn the differences among the various states in Canada. Ontario, Québec, Vermont, Alberta — not even the Canadians can tell them apart.
- It's also a waste of time to read maps. Why bother to make any sense out of this:
when you can just buttonhole a foreigner and ask for directions? They have nothing better to do, and they love helping Americans.
This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.
Questions to ask liberal "Christians" ✞ Things that the Bible doesn't say ✞ Tolerance
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Master of Biblical Study and Ancient Languages With Jesus now.
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Location: Miniscule Ohio town about which nobody heard
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-18-2010, 09:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lycia The Repentant
While Brother Dewitt and I were in the Orient for his business (I'm working for him in his estate in Key West currently), Brother James had to travel alone to Thailand and Cambodia for some important, strictly confidential business meetings. At first I was worried for my safety, being in heathen Hong Kong all by myself with only a dedicated private security team to protect me, but I survived, and have compiled a list of helpful tips for the woman who has to, for whatever reason, travel alone in heathen countries. Let me preface this by stating, however, that no amount of womanly advice comes even close to a substitute for having a True Christian™ man chaperoning you.
Exercise proper hotel safety
This is very important! The first thing a woman traveling alone needs to do is make sure they get a room far away from an elevator, preferably in a hallway with bad lighting. This gives you extra time to react if you know a heathen is coming towards your room, and a poorly lit hallway gives plenty of great places to hide and cower in fear in case of an emergency.
When checking in and filling in the guest registration for a hotel, give the desk clerk your full name and marital status (i.e. Miss or Mrs.). This lets the hotel staff know that a woman is staying there and allows them to take the necessary precautions, such as segregating you from other guests if it is your unclean time. Additionally, make sure the desk clerk reads your room number out to you in a loud, clear voice and repeats it a few times, so any True Christians™ in the area know how to find you in case of persecution from heathens.
Only go out under the cover of night
This might seem a little strange, but its for your own safety! Since everybody who isn't a True Christian™ is a horrifying sinner, you want to make sure that if you leave the hotel you do it when there are less sinners on the street. Also, steer clear of populated streets and use deserted alleyways as short-cuts. This significantly lowers your chances of meeting anybody, which means it also lowers your chances of meeting a disgusting sinner!
Keep all your documents in one place, and keep them on you at all times
A fanny pack like the one Pastor Levi suggested works great!
Dress like a True Christian™ lady
This advice especially applies if you find yourself in a country with a large mooslim population. You want to let them know you're an American woman and a citizen of the most powerful country in the world. Don't let the terrorists win and don't wear a burkha, assert your God-given rights to dress in a modest, but above all American, way!
Don't trust anybody
Even if they are a fellow tourist, remember that only a small percentage of the population are True Christians™. This means that if you don't have a proper escort for whatever reason, you are far safer traveling alone then with any company.
How to deal with unsolicited attention
If you aren't a filthy harlot, then you shouldn't be dealing with this problem anyways, but its important to remember that different countries have different social norms for approaching women. The best advice I can give if you find yourself getting too much attention from the local menfolk is to be demure, helpful, and above all don't make a scene. Chances are you would get yourself all worked up and come down with a case of the female hysterics.
Don't bother learning the local body language and culture
Chances are, they're all hellbound heathens anyways.
Don't bother your friends back home
Frankly, they have better things to be doing than wasting time checking up on you, or they would be traveling too! There will be plenty of time for gossiping about your trip when you get back home, so don't worry.
Finally, don't register your trip with the Department of State. You'll only get into a situation where the local embassy needs to know of your presence if you've been being sinful and haven't been following God's commandments correctly, and you don't want to encourage the kind of big government spending that just comes with a bunch of red tape and bureaucracy.
I hope this has been helpful!
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Thank you Sister Lycia. I copied this and will email your advice to all the females I know [all one or two of them] who are forced to travel to some heathen fereign country unescorted. As always you offer such sage advice.
YiJC, BS
II Peter 1:4 -- Whereby are giuen vnto vs exceeding great and precious promises, that by these you might bee partakers of thy diuine nature, hauing escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust.
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Posts: 49
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: UK
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-18-2010, 12:44 PM
I have some advice for my learned brothers when visiting the UK.
1. Do not be offended if someone offers you a fag.
As part of the gay agenda, gays have managed to rename cigarettes, fags. You know to try and take an innocent healthy pastime and associate it with the dirty foul habit of homosexuality. Most Britons do not realize this.
2. Do be offended if someone offers you a faggot.
Faggots are balls of meat, usually made from various animal testicles and unsavouries, covered in gravy. Luckly, only really found in the poorest places in the UK - ie places you will not go to.
3. Be careful shopping for clothes.
In the UK, pants are trousers, and pants are underwear. Going into shops and asking to try on the pants, will get you offended looks.
4. Soldiers
At breakfast, you may be asked if you want soldiers with a boiled egg. No, this is not the start of your own private army - but long thin pieces of toast to dip in the egg
5. Do not ask where the bathroom/restroom is.
No one will understand you - a bathroom in England, is the room you have the bath tub in. The best way to get around this, especially when you meet the queen, is to ask where the bog is.
6. A mate is not a sexual partner
Mate is another word for a friend, without any sexual overtone whatsoever. Really. Men can be mates with men. Women can be mates, with women. It is not homosexual slang, because homosexuals cannot reproduce or mate.
Hope this is of some use.
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The Future Mrs. Ezekiel Flint Voted Best Pies in Freehold 10 Years Running aka the BiblethumpinBlonde
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
12-18-2010, 09:50 PM
* Talk very loudly and slowly and make big gestures with your hands. After all they probably do not understand English.
* Never tip it is insulting to other countries.
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Pastor of Praise and Worship A True Christian™ Straight Shooter
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Posts: 3,891
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Being led by the Spirit.
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Re: Brother Levi's guide to the American traveling abroad. -
05-13-2011, 05:43 PM
Bump for the summer tourism season.
Praise and worship with Pastor Will. Services at 9 a.m., 11 a.m. and 6 p.m.
Contact me. pastorwillsampson at gmail.com
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