THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only. |
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Putting the "stud" back in Bible Study
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Posts: 79,910
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 08:23 AM
OK. It's Christmas time, time to tithe heavily to ensure our continuous presence in the presidential chambers in 2020 and thereafter! As always, if you behave and tithe, Jesus Himself - my good friend an mentor - will appear on Christmas day and answer all the burning questions you might have about Life, Universe and Everything! Show Him your love and keep 'em tithes comin!
Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:
Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)
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Rocks For Brains, Unsaved trash, hopelessly weird
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Posts: 117
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Godless UK
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 09:26 AM
Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?
No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 03:11 PM
My dear, sweet, kind, loving, giving, honorable, pure, unadulterated Heavenly King:
Bless Yourself!
Is it Your intent to send my papist father to Hell this coming year?
How many horses will I be caring for come the Glory?
And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.
Thanks for everything and have a nice birthday.
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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A.k.a. "Peter the Tweeter" Unsaved trash, fails at universal grammar Became world champion of laziness without even trying
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Posts: 144
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Everywhere
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 07:24 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Brent
Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?
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Sniff should be snuff don’t you think?
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A.k.a. "Peter the Tweeter" Unsaved trash, fails at universal grammar Became world champion of laziness without even trying
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Posts: 144
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Everywhere
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 07:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel
OK. It's Christmas time, time to tithe heavily to ensure our continuous presence in the presidential chambers in 2020 and thereafter! As always, if you behave and tithe, Jesus Himself - my good friend an mentor - will appear on Christmas day and answer all the burning questions you might have about Life, Universe and Everything! Show Him your love and keep 'em tithes comin!
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So, in your truck stop ministry are you the fast glory hole driller in the West?
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Unsaved trash, Arrogant Atheist Dick
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Posts: 14,455
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: The other end of the internet
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-02-2019, 07:37 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by PeterCrackhead
So, in your truck stop ministry are you the fast glory hole driller in the West?
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Iowa's Midwest, not West.
With all that they're giving you on a silver platter, just why are you making shit up?
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 823
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: America: God's favorite nation
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-22-2019, 07:02 AM
Dear sweet loving Jesus, thank you in advance for once again blessing us with your holy presence! We are all wiser and better off for it!
1. Once people get to Heaven and become angels, do we get to influence anything on Earth? I assume you don't want us to do anything that would be too obvious thus removing the need for faith, but can we mess with people we don't like secretly in ways that wouldn't prove your existence? I'd like to mess with Democrats from time to time.
2. Can you give us an opinion on the late George HW Bush? He did a lot of good during the course of his presidency, and raised up George Bush Jr. yet he seemed to doubt your chosen one Donald Trump near end of his life.
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-41871958
Then again, maybe he had a change of heart and accepted Trump even closer to the end of his life https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/03/polit...ity/index.html
Did he make it into the pearly gates, or backslide at the last moment securing his place in eternal damnation?
3. I'm curious to learn more information about the Holy Spirit that isn't in the Bible. The Bible gives many accounts of you and your Father's loving nature, but comparatively few about the Holy Spirit.
For example, why are you so forgiving when people blaspheme you but not the Holy Spirit? What is the Holy Spirit's nature and involvement in life the universe and everything?
4. No disrespect intended, I'm sure you and your father have a great reason for everything you do, but between you and me (and I suppose anyone reading this) do you ever feel like you're getting the short end of the stick compared to your Father?
He gets to have lots of fun with a global flood, then promises never to do it again (depriving you of an opportunity to do it), sends all sorts of plagues into existence, destroys cities like Sodom for homosexuality, and talks directly to those on Earth with massive shows of force again and again.
For example, he even used his powers to 'harden Pharoah's heart" Exodus 9:12, which as far as I can see is contrary to free will just so he can send down more plagues.
Then after having a blast, He gets you to pay for the sins of beings he creates through an ultimate sacrifice on your part, then as soon as you make it into Heaven and achieve your ultimate power which you richly deserve, as far as my limited understanding can tell is the equivalent of the Prime Directive is implemented ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_Directive ) preventing you from having the same fun is.
At first i didn't say much about this because I thought that this policy change might have been your idea, in which case, it would be a great idea! Like everything you do is a great idea. Praise you!
However, this post in one of your more recent threads made me suspect otherwise:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Two more words: Free Will (one of Dad's less brilliant ideas).
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You are coming back at some point, but your dad won't even tell you when that point is. If I didn't know better, I'd say it's almost as if your dad doesn't want you to experience the same joy He did.
Close minded people are just right people who don't want to spend time arguing.
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 823
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: America: God's favorite nation
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-22-2019, 07:40 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrotherLarry
And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.
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As reluctant as I am to be critical of a True Christian ™ brother, we only get a limited amount of opportunities to get our questions directly answered by our kind, loving, noble savoir.
So given that, I feel like we owe it to Him to do our due diligence prior to using up His valuble time. I'd like to remind you that this question has been asked and answered a few times in previous years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kristen Green
Lord Jesus Christ I pray you return soon to rapture me, and these good Chrisitan people away. Yours in You
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
I don't know when I am returning. Only the father who is me at the same time knows that.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles
I know He can't say for sure but can He give a ball park figure for when I and all True Christians™ will be sucked off naked into Heaven?
YIY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Yes, He can. It will be on a Wednesday.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo
When are you returning in the flesh?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
On a Wednesday. I told y'all this last year.
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Close minded people are just right people who don't want to spend time arguing.
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Rocks For Brains, Unsaved trash, hopelessly weird
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Posts: 117
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Godless UK
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-23-2019, 02:42 AM
Dear Jesus, I have this beautiful doll of you I want to put on the Christmas tree, but I don't know if you want a pointy bramble up your heiney. Is this okay? Can I put you there, please?
No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.
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True Christian™ Icon of Feminine Virtue
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Posts: 4,895
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Ungodly Buffalo, NY, MAGA USA
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-23-2019, 03:12 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Brent
Dear Jesus, I have this beautiful doll of you I want to put on the Christmas tree, but I don't know if you want a pointy bramble up your heiney. Is this okay? Can I put you there, please?
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Oh, Dear help us, Miss Brent. I do realize that this time of the year can make some people a bit "festive"; but, surely, you're not into the sherry again, are you, Dear?
Sincerely, Isabella W.
(Mrs.) Isabella White
Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the of "
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Rocks For Brains, Unsaved trash, hopelessly weird
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Posts: 117
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Godless UK
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-23-2019, 09:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White
Oh, Dear help us, Miss Brent. I do realize that this time of the year can make some people a bit "festive"; but, surely, you're not into the sherry again, are you, Dear?
Sincerely, Isabella W.
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You know me I seldom drink... but when I do it's Spanish sherry; it's abit like Chardonnay.
No spoose should be more attractive than the other - that way, no one is satisfied, and the marriage can be happy.
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Another brick in Donald´s wall - A.K.A "The Gonz" True Christian™
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Posts: 2,111
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ungodly South America
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-23-2019, 01:45 PM
Hi Jesus, can you guess which number I am thinking of?
Also, there is a certain wall that remains unfinished. Could you give me the exact day of finalization of the works? I mean, we are building it in your name.
Thanks!
1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.
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Trying to out-Methuselah Methuselah You kids get off his lawn!
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Posts: 22,438
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Close to God
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-23-2019, 02:27 PM
Can I please die? I feel I am ready for Heaven.
Freedom means voting for Donald Trump!
To most "Christians" The Bible is like a license agreement. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree". All those "Christians" will burn in Hell!
James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all."
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-24-2019, 09:47 PM
I was once in a local repertory production of Jesus Christ Superstar. Some of my lines included: “Oh so this is Jesus Christ, I am really quite surprised. You seem so small; not a king at all! We both know that you are news, but are you king? King of the joos?”
So like did you get mad when I sang that? It seems kind of rude.
Christmas is a Wednesday this year. Are you coming back Wednesday?
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-24-2019, 09:55 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man
Can I please die? I feel I am ready for Heaven.
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Jesus
Please ignore Cranky. We need him here.
I asked this in Your Name so You kind of have to do as I say. The Bible tells me so.
Love,
Larry the Meek and Mild
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Revelationary Equine Gnathologist for Christ
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,395
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Prodigal Son of Godless NYC.
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-24-2019, 10:07 PM
Oh Christ! I forgot to ask about Your Mom. How is she? I wonder how she feels about all the Catholics hailing her all the time. Or can she even hear it? Does she pray for us now and at the hour of our death?
In fifth grade, I drew a picture of her and You at the wedding in Cana. Did you like the picture? What kind of wine did You make?
Did You bring the couple a nice gift? What was it? Was it expensive? Did they like it? I bet it was a toaster.
Proverbs 21:31 KJV 1611:
“The horse is prepared against the day of battell: but safetie is of the Lord.”
Lord, may I serve my equine brothers and sisters just as I do my fellow man. Amen and Amen
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Psychotheological Analyst Therapist
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Posts: 9,051
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Surrounded by queers.
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-24-2019, 10:50 PM
Oh sweet Christ!
My sister will be moving away in a few weeks. Can you do something to make her stay? You see she'll be taking my young, clean limbed young Nephew and I worry that he may fall victim to a predatory homersexulist when I am not able to monitor his movements and activities.
On an unrelated note, what's the best way to ensure the destruction of a hard drive?
YIY
1 Corinthians 11:3 But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.
Revelation 22:15 For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
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Pastor, Physician, Scholar and Financial Genius Ask me about my unlimited-income BibleCoin™ opportunities! Invest with the Best!
True Christian™
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Posts: 260
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Freehold, Iowa
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-25-2019, 02:02 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles
what's the best way to ensure the destruction of a hard drive?
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Prayer! (Matthew 21:22, John 9:31)
How to Study the Bible - About HELL! - The Miracles of Jesus - Biblical Facts - Scientific PROOF
THE BIBLE SAYS THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO HEAVEN!
Jesus said: "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." John 14:6
ONLY JESUS CAN SAVE YOU!
"That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus,
and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him
from the dead, thou shalt be saved." Romans 10:9
1. Admit you are a worthless sinner. Romans 3:10
2. Be willing to turn from sin (repent). Acts 17:30
3. Believe that Jesus Christ died for you, was buried and
rose from the dead. Romans 10:9-10
4. Through prayer, invite Jesus into your life to become
your personal Savior, Boss, King and Lord. Romans 10:13
| What to Pray:
Lord Jesus, I know that I have sinned against you.
I know that I am not perfect and that I can never
please you through my own efforts. I know that I
deserve to be judged according to my sins. And, I
know that I have absolutely nothing to offer you.
Lord Jesus, I ask you to forgive me. I do not rely
on myself but only on you and I receive you as
Lord of my life and as savior of my soul.
Lord Jesus, please save me!
| Accepted Jesus as your Savior?
Now you need to:
1. Study your KJV Bible every day
to get to know Christ better.
2. Talk to God in prayer every day.
3. Be baptized, worship, fellowship,
and serve with other Christians
in a church where Christ is preached,
and the Bible is the final authority.
4. Tell others about Jesus Christ
until the day Jesus finally kills you.
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-25-2019, 02:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Emily Brent
Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?
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Me F. Me! Everyone can sniff out the homosexuals. The most common scents that detect them are Helmut Lang EDC/EDP, Knize Ten, Gucci PH, Rose Poivree, CSP L'eau de Gouverneur or, in summer Hermes Eau d'orange verte, Montale Greyland, PdN Cologne Sologne, MPG Racine, or Malle Bigarade concentree. Everyone who doesn't know this to begin with will go straight (pun intended ) to Hell, as this should be obvious from Bible code.
BTW, I am feeling fabulous and generous this year! Bless me!
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The Truest Christian™
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Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
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Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-25-2019, 02:31 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Horse Guy
My dear, sweet, kind, loving, giving, honorable, pure, unadulterated Heavenly King:
Bless Yourself!
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I prefer thou, thee, thine and thyself when ye address me.
Quote:
Is it Your intent to send my papist father to Hell this coming year?
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I don't send anyone to Hell. The people to refuse to accept me and worship me to save themselves from what I shall do to them unless they accept and worship me send themselves to Hell in their masses each and every year. The coming year is no exception
Quote:
How many horses will I be caring for come the Glory?
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Exactly one hundred and twenty-three thousand five hundred and thirty-two trillion, seven thousand two hundred and fifty-seven billion, eighty-four thousand nine hundred and fifteen million, seven hundred and sixty-eight thousand one hundred and ninety-four and a half horses. Pukephallos the mare got cut into half when battling Satan.
Quote:
And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.
Thanks for everything and have a nice birthday.
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"Art thou"... etc. Geez, as I've told you before, it'll be a Wednesday. And yes, it'll be sweet, the Birthday that is. I'm having a nice cake with buttercream and sinnerblood frosting and strawberries, sinnerribs barbecued in hot sauce, manna, and all the wine I can conjure up and that's a lot.
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