[Pastor Ezekiel]

OK. It's Christmas time, time to tithe heavily to ensure our continuous presence in the presidential chambers in 2020 and thereafter! As always, if you behave and tithe, Jesus Himself - my good friend an mentor - will appear on Christmas day and answer all the burning questions you might have about Life, Universe and Everything! Show Him your love and keep 'em tithes comin!

[Emily Brent]

Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?

[BrotherLarry]

My dear, sweet, kind, loving, giving, honorable, pure, unadulterated Heavenly King:

Bless Yourself!

Is it Your intent to send my papist father to Hell this coming year?

How many horses will I be caring for come the Glory?

And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.

Thanks for everything and have a nice birthday.

[PeterCrackhead]

Originally Posted by Emily Brent

Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?

Sniff should be snuff don’t you think?

[PeterCrackhead]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

OK. It's Christmas time, time to tithe heavily to ensure our continuous presence in the presidential chambers in 2020 and thereafter! As always, if you behave and tithe, Jesus Himself - my good friend an mentor - will appear on Christmas day and answer all the burning questions you might have about Life, Universe and Everything! Show Him your love and keep 'em tithes comin!

So, in your truck stop ministry are you the fast glory hole driller in the West?

[Didymus Much]

Originally Posted by PeterCrackhead

So, in your truck stop ministry are you the fast glory hole driller in the West?

Iowa's Midwest, not West.


With all that they're giving you on a silver platter, just why are you making shit up?

[Prayer Warrior]

Dear sweet loving Jesus, thank you in advance for once again blessing us with your holy presence! We are all wiser and better off for it!



1. Once people get to Heaven and become angels, do we get to influence anything on Earth? I assume you don't want us to do anything that would be too obvious thus removing the need for faith, but can we mess with people we don't like secretly in ways that wouldn't prove your existence? I'd like to mess with Democrats from time to time.


2. Can you give us an opinion on the late George HW Bush? He did a lot of good during the course of his presidency, and raised up George Bush Jr. yet he seemed to doubt your chosen one Donald Trump near end of his life.


https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-41871958


Then again, maybe he had a change of heart and accepted Trump even closer to the end of his life https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/03/polit...ity/index.html


Did he make it into the pearly gates, or backslide at the last moment securing his place in eternal damnation?


3. I'm curious to learn more information about the Holy Spirit that isn't in the Bible. The Bible gives many accounts of you and your Father's loving nature, but comparatively few about the Holy Spirit.
For example, why are you so forgiving when people blaspheme you but not the Holy Spirit? What is the Holy Spirit's nature and involvement in life the universe and everything?

4. No disrespect intended, I'm sure you and your father have a great reason for everything you do, but between you and me (and I suppose anyone reading this) do you ever feel like you're getting the short end of the stick compared to your Father?

He gets to have lots of fun with a global flood, then promises never to do it again (depriving you of an opportunity to do it), sends all sorts of plagues into existence, destroys cities like Sodom for homosexuality, and talks directly to those on Earth with massive shows of force again and again.




For example, he even used his powers to 'harden Pharoah's heart" Exodus 9:12, which as far as I can see is contrary to free will just so he can send down more plagues.




Then after having a blast, He gets you to pay for the sins of beings he creates through an ultimate sacrifice on your part, then as soon as you make it into Heaven and achieve your ultimate power which you richly deserve, as far as my limited understanding can tell is the equivalent of the Prime Directive is implemented ( https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_Directive ) preventing you from having the same fun is.


At first i didn't say much about this because I thought that this policy change might have been your idea, in which case, it would be a great idea! Like everything you do is a great idea. Praise you!


However, this post in one of your more recent threads made me suspect otherwise:

Originally Posted by Jesus

Two more words: Free Will (one of Dad's less brilliant ideas).

You are coming back at some point, but your dad won't even tell you when that point is. If I didn't know better, I'd say it's almost as if your dad doesn't want you to experience the same joy He did.

[Prayer Warrior]

Originally Posted by BrotherLarry

And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.

As reluctant as I am to be critical of a True Christian™ brother, we only get a limited amount of opportunities to get our questions directly answered by our kind, loving, noble savoir.


So given that, I feel like we owe it to Him to do our due diligence prior to using up His valuble time. I'd like to remind you that this question has been asked and answered a few times in previous years.

Originally Posted by Kristen Green

Lord Jesus Christ I pray you return soon to rapture me, and these good Chrisitan people away. Yours in You

Originally Posted by Jesus

I don't know when I am returning. Only the father who is me at the same time knows that.

Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles

I know He can't say for sure but can He give a ball park figure for when I and all True Christians™ will be sucked off naked into Heaven?

YIY

Originally Posted by Jesus

Yes, He can. It will be on a Wednesday.

Originally Posted by Jim C. Lombardo

When are you returning in the flesh?

Originally Posted by Jesus

On a Wednesday. I told y'all this last year.

[Emily Brent]

Dear Jesus, I have this beautiful doll of you I want to put on the Christmas tree, but I don't know if you want a pointy bramble up your heiney. Is this okay? Can I put you there, please?

[Isabella White]

Originally Posted by Emily Brent

Dear Jesus, I have this beautiful doll of you I want to put on the Christmas tree, but I don't know if you want a pointy bramble up your heiney. Is this okay? Can I put you there, please?

Oh, Dear help us, Miss Brent. I do realize that this time of the year can make some people a bit "festive"; but, surely, you're not into the sherry again, are you, Dear?

Sincerely, Isabella W.

[Emily Brent]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

Oh, Dear help us, Miss Brent. I do realize that this time of the year can make some people a bit "festive"; but, surely, you're not into the sherry again, are you, Dear?

Sincerely, Isabella W.

You know me I seldom drink... but when I do it's Spanish sherry; it's abit like Chardonnay.

[Brother Gonzalez]

Hi Jesus, can you guess which number I am thinking of?

Also, there is a certain wall that remains unfinished. Could you give me the exact day of finalization of the works? I mean, we are building it in your name.


Thanks!

[Cranky Old Man]

Can I please die? I feel I am ready for Heaven.

[BrotherLarry]

I was once in a local repertory production of Jesus Christ Superstar. Some of my lines included: “Oh so this is Jesus Christ, I am really quite surprised. You seem so small; not a king at all! We both know that you are news, but are you king? King of the joos?”

So like did you get mad when I sang that? It seems kind of rude.

Christmas is a Wednesday this year. Are you coming back Wednesday?

[BrotherLarry]

Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man

Can I please die? I feel I am ready for Heaven.

Jesus
Please ignore Cranky. We need him here.
I asked this in Your Name so You kind of have to do as I say. The Bible tells me so.
Love,
Larry the Meek and Mild

[BrotherLarry]

Oh Christ! I forgot to ask about Your Mom. How is she? I wonder how she feels about all the Catholics hailing her all the time. Or can she even hear it? Does she pray for us now and at the hour of our death?

In fifth grade, I drew a picture of her and You at the wedding in Cana. Did you like the picture? What kind of wine did You make?

Did You bring the couple a nice gift? What was it? Was it expensive? Did they like it? I bet it was a toaster.

[Dr Laurence Niles]

Oh sweet Christ!

My sister will be moving away in a few weeks. Can you do something to make her stay? You see she'll be taking my young, clean limbed young Nephew and I worry that he may fall victim to a predatory homersexulist when I am not able to monitor his movements and activities.


On an unrelated note, what's the best way to ensure the destruction of a hard drive?


YIY

[Pastor J.C. Manning, M.D., Ph.D.]

Originally Posted by Dr Laurence Niles

what's the best way to ensure the destruction of a hard drive?

Prayer! (Matthew 21:22, John 9:31)

[Jesus]

Originally Posted by Emily Brent

Good morning Jesus, when do you intend to sniff out the homosexuals for good?

Me F. Me! Everyone can sniff out the homosexuals. The most common scents that detect them are Helmut Lang EDC/EDP, Knize Ten, Gucci PH, Rose Poivree, CSP L'eau de Gouverneur or, in summer Hermes Eau d'orange verte, Montale Greyland, PdN Cologne Sologne, MPG Racine, or Malle Bigarade concentree. Everyone who doesn't know this to begin with will go straight (pun intended ) to Hell, as this should be obvious from Bible code.
BTW, I am feeling fabulous and generous this year! Bless me!

[Jesus]

Originally Posted by The Horse Guy

My dear, sweet, kind, loving, giving, honorable, pure, unadulterated Heavenly King:

Bless Yourself!

I prefer thou, thee, thine and thyself when ye address me.

Is it Your intent to send my papist father to Hell this coming year?

I don't send anyone to Hell. The people to refuse to accept me and worship me to save themselves from what I shall do to them unless they accept and worship me send themselves to Hell in their masses each and every year. The coming year is no exception

How many horses will I be caring for come the Glory?

Exactly one hundred and twenty-three thousand five hundred and thirty-two trillion, seven thousand two hundred and fifty-seven billion, eighty-four thousand nine hundred and fifteen million, seven hundred and sixty-eight thousand one hundred and ninety-four and a half horses. Pukephallos the mare got cut into half when battling Satan.

And just when are You coming back? You said soon but Jeez it’s been 2000 years.

Thanks for everything and have a nice birthday.

"Art thou"... etc. Geez, as I've told you before, it'll be a Wednesday. And yes, it'll be sweet, the Birthday that is. I'm having a nice cake with buttercream and sinnerblood frosting and strawberries, sinnerribs barbecued in hot sauce, manna, and all the wine I can conjure up and that's a lot.