[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

FATALITY! 4 Biblical finishing moves more brutal than anything in Mortal Kombat or God of War!

Hey kids! Think Kratos is the baddest dude in the world? He's rough all right, and his finishing moves sure are "gnarly", but the most action-packed scenes of butt-kicking aren't in some video game, they're in a rectangular box of solid AWESOME called THE BIBLE:

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GOD'S DEATH THREAT: "I will make your children crap their intestines out"

14Behold, with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people, and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods:
15And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day. - 2 Chronicles 21:14-15

THREAT CARRIED OUT: Bloody dysentry has killed countless millions of sinners, young and old.



This picture is from a refugee camp in Zaire, where God smites Catholic and Anglican Rwandans with dysentry in such numbers that only heavy equipment can move them all. Note that these machines are probably the only products of the industrial revolution you'll find in Central Africa.

THE CLOSEST VIDEO GAMES CAME: Oregon Trail


A good effort, but it doesn't come close to capturing the horror of children crapping their intestines out.

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GOD'S DEATH THREAT: The TEETH OF BEASTS will rip your children apart

Deuteronomy 32:17-25: "For a fire is kindled in mine anger, and shall burn unto the lowest hell, and shall consume the earth with her increase, and set on fire the foundations of the mountains. I will heap mischiefs upon them; I will spend mine arrows upon them. They shall be burnt with hunger, and devoured with burning heat, and with bitter destruction: I will also send the teeth of beasts upon them, with the poison of serpents of the dust. The sword without, and terror within, shall destroy both the young man and the virgin, the suckling also with the man of gray hairs”

THREAT CARRIED OUT: It's hard to know how many people have been killed by wild animals, because the victims tend to be illiterate back-woods villagers who don't keep statistics. Between 1800 and 1900, it is estimated that tigers had killed over 10,000 Hindus and Muslims in India alone!


"Hello kitty! AAAARG!" *Chomp* *chomp*

In the case of sharks, people lost at sea simply dissappear:

"Please God, save me from the teeth of beasts!" "DENIED" *CHOMP*

Even worse, before the Great Deluge, getting eaten by dinosaurs must have been the most common form of death.

THE CLOSEST VIDEO GAMES CAME: I can't think of any video games where children are ripped apart by the teeth of beasts.

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GOD'S DEATH THREAT: "I will rip babies from their wombs and smash them to pieces":

Samaria shall become desolate; for she hath rebelled against her God: they shall fall by the sword: their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up -Hosea 13:16

THREAT CARRIED OUT: About 75% of people conceived are killed by God while still in the womb. I guess when you're locked in a room for 9 months with nothing to do but masturbate, a lot of people fall into temption. Since it is estimated that about 100 Billion people have been born in history, that's about 300,000,000,000 babies killed by God - before they even left the "starting gate", so to speak.

THE CLOSEST VIDEO GAMES CAME: In The Sims characters can get pregnant, but I've never heard of miscarriages, let alone miscarriages due to complications while being ripped to pieces by the LORD.

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GOD'S DEATH THREAT:"You slut, I will strip you naked, pelt you with poop, then smash your babies to pieces"

Charging cavalry,
flashing swords
and glittering spears!
Many casualties,
piles of dead,
bodies without number,
people stumbling over the corpses-

all because of the wanton lust of a harlot...
"I am against you," declares the LORD Almighty.
"I will lift your skirts over your face.
I will show the nations your nakedness
and the kingdoms your shame.

I will pelt you with filth...("I will cast abominable filth upon thee" - King James Version)

Her infants were dashed to pieces
at the head of every street. - Nahum 3

I know this is a King-James-Version-only church, but I'm posting the New International Version here in hopes that a heavy metal band is inspired to use it as lyrics for a song.

THREAT CARRIED OUT: Abu Graib, baby.



THE CLOSEST VIDEO GAMES CAME: In Bully there's a poo-flinging mini-game, but still no baby-smashing.

[The Hand]

How's about an honorable mention for Moses? Though Moses is more the silent slayer, stealth-kill type, hit them hard and fast, and hide the corpse, then fade into the shadows.

Exod.2

[11] And it came to pass in those days, when Moses was grown, that he went out unto his brethren, and looked on their burdens: and he spied an Egyptian smiting an Hebrew, one of his brethren.
[12] And he looked this way and that way, and when he saw that there was no man, he slew the Egyptian, and hid him in the sand.

Maybe too subtle for a finishing move, but I always liked the poetry of it. I can imagine him stalking behind and snapping the infidel's neck. That's just the young Moses, just the beginning of his ruthless, fearless, uncompromising one man commando style Crusade. There is a hero I can get behind - a true warrior of GOD. Strike fear into the heart of the infidel and annihilate the enemies of GOD by all means necessary.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Originally Posted by The Hand

How's about an honorable mention for Moses?

Exodus does have some good smitings, though a lot is left to the imagination. For example, God kills all the firstborn children in Egypt....But we don't get to find out how, exactly. Do they choke on their own blood? Have heart attacks?

The plagues that hit Egypt are interesting. Frogs don't seem so bad, but maybe they jumped into sleeping people's mouths, choking them to death. What a way to die - waking up struggling for air, with a muddy taste in your mouth and something kicking your adam's apple from the inside!

It's too bad that I'll have to wait until I'm in heaven before I can hear Jesus tell me exactly how He killed all the firstborn children in Egypt.

[Oakland "Reb" Griner]

I wonder what kind of sensation Lot's wife experienced as she turned into a pillar of salt?

Potentially, it could have been very painful if the transmogrification started at her feet and worked upwards very slowly. I know this might seem rather macabre, but after all, she was very disobedient to God!

[Logan]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

FATALITY! 4 Biblical finishing moves more brutal than anything in Mortal Kombat or God of War!

Hey kids! Think Kratos is the baddest dude in the world? He's rough all right, and his finishing moves sure are "gnarly", but the most action-packed scenes of butt-kicking aren't in some video game, they're in a rectangular box of solid AWESOME called THE BIBLE:

GOD'S DEATH THREAT: "I will make your children crap their intestines out"

I love you.

[Good Will]

though God was absolutely at His most efficient when he simply instructed Noah to build a boat big enough for those worth saving and then went on submerging the entire planet with non stop rain. Must have been a sight from the boat. Same would be true for the fire coming down on Sodom and Gomorrah though only God could can tell.

[Bryan Tamariki]

I personally liked what the Lord did to the wicked men of Sodom and Gomorrah:

Genesis 19:24-28

24Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;
25And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.
26But his wife looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.
27And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:
28And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

YIC
Bryan.

[Bobby-Joe]

Flood has to be The Lord's absolutely best finishing move. It is just God sweeping mighty arm over the board clearing all the pieces and saying "game over, you lose FAGGOT"
The move is so awesome even God it taken back by it.

Genesis 8:21 And the LORD smelled a sweet savour; and the LORD said in his heart, I will not again curse the ground any more for man's sake; for the imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth ; neither will I again smite any more every thing living, as I have done.

The good Lord knows you can over do it on POWNage and holds back now when playing in the "God mode" ( lol ) Now He just contents Himself with the Boxing Day Tsunami and hurricanes like Katrina.

[Ex-Pagan]

My favourite was when God made the children crap their intestines out!

[Omgabutchlady]

I personally like the whole 'I'M GONNA KILL ALL YOUR FIRST BORNS NOW BITCHES' from the Moses Saga.
Has a nice touch of flair to it if I must say.

[Katander]

Then the PREVIEW of whats coming next season...

REVELATIONS!

With great things like Jesus secret weapon!

2:16 Repent; or else I will come unto thee quickly, and will fight against them with the sword of my mouth.

AND High Level Damage spells...

8:7 The first angel sounded, and there followed hail and fire mingled with blood, and they were cast upon the earth: and the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up

AND of course, some high level NPCs to help out

9:15 And the four angels were loosed, which were prepared for an hour, and a day, and a month, and a year, for to slay the third part of men.


ALL THIS GREAT STUFF will be brought to you by "The Holy Trinity"
A Namby Pamby Loving God is for whimps!

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Originally Posted by Katander

the third part of trees was burnt up, and all green grass was burnt up

That's happening in Russia and the Ukraine right now. Word has it that the radioactive forests near Chernoble are burning, sending radioactive smoke and ash all over Eurostan.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but sometime He likes to make it obvious.

[Brother Temperance]

Please can we have a bit of appreciation for the mighty Numbers 16, where God deals with the original namby-pamby liberals who claim to worship Him?
Numbers 16:1 Now Korah, the son of Izhar, the son of Kohath, the son of Levi, and Dathan and Abiram, the sons of Eliab, and On, the son of Peleth, sons of Reuben, took men:
2 And they rose up before Moses, with certain of the children of Israel, two hundred and fifty princes of the assembly, famous in the congregation, men of renown:
3 And they gathered themselves together against Moses and against Aaron, and said unto them, Ye take too much upon you, seeing all the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them: wherefore then lift ye up yourselves above the congregation of the LORD?

Like many who came after him, Korah attempted to use God to justify socialism, claiming that because everyone in the congregation is holy and 'God loves everyone', that meant that hard-working Christian entrepreneurs and leaders like Moses weren't any more special than anyone else. So, Moses invited Korah and his followers to a praying competition the next day, and the results were TOTALLY BRUTAL:
31 And it came to pass, as he had made an end of speaking all these words, that the ground clave asunder that was under them:
32 And the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed them up, and their houses, and all the men that appertained unto Korah, and all their goods.
33 They, and all that appertained to them, went down alive into the pit, and the earth closed upon them: and they perished from among the congregation.
So, because Korah tried praying to God despite being a filthy leftie who spouted nonsense about everyone being equal, God opened the earth up to swallow him and his house, and everything he owned, and all the men who appertained to them.

SMACKDOWN!
So, you think the message of this story is that, if you question those who God has appointed to positions of authority, the earth will swallow you whole, right? WRONG!
35 And there came out a fire from the LORD, and consumed the two hundred and fifty men that offered incense.


BAM! God follows that move up by killing 250 other people with fire. I don't know how they escaped being killed by the ground swallowing them up, but I assume God decided to save them specially for His next move or something.
So, you think the lesson is that lefty hippies who claim to follow God get swallowed up by the ground, and then 250 other people get blasted, and that's the end of it, right? WRONG!
41 But on the morrow all the congregation of the children of Israel murmured against Moses and against Aaron, saying, Ye have killed the people of the LORD.
The Israelites were pretty slow learners, so even after all that some of them carried on grumbling, because they were upset about hundreds of their friends and neighbours being brutally slaughtered, or some sissy stuff like that.
44 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,
45 Get you up from among this congregation, that I may consume them as in a moment. And they fell upon their faces.
46 And Moses said unto Aaron, Take a censer, and put fire therein from off the altar, and put on incense, and go quickly unto the congregation, and make an atonement for them: for there is wrath gone out from the LORD; the plague is begun.
47 And Aaron took as Moses commanded, and ran into the midst of the congregation; and, behold, the plague was begun among the people: and he put on incense, and made an atonement for the people.
48 And he stood between the dead and the living; and the plague was stayed.
49 Now they that died in the plague were fourteen thousand and seven hundred, beside them that died about the matter of Korah.

KAPOW! Because the Israelites got too upset about God smiting people for praying to Him, He sent a plague that scored another 1470 kills before Moses and Aaron could calm Him down. If you try and reconcile following God with being a dirty commie, then He won't just OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you, He won't just OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you and then TOTALLY TORCH 250 of your associates, He'll OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you, then TOTALLY TORCH 250 of your associates, and then if anyone gets upset He'll wipe out another 1000 or so people.

Ladies and gentlemen, Numbers 16!

[BelieverInGod]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

That's happening in Russia and the Ukraine right now. Word has it that the radioactive forests near Chernoble are burning, sending radioactive smoke and ash all over Eurostan.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but sometime He likes to make it obvious.

It's also happening in Canada. The Pine Beetle is killing trees faster than loggers can keep up and they are just waiting for a forest fire that's going to probably take out over half the province.

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

KAPOW![/B] Because the Israelites got too upset about God smiting people for praying to Him, He sent a plague that scored another 1470 kills before Moses and Aaron could calm Him down. If you try and reconcile following God with being a dirty commie, then He won't just OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you, He won't just OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you and then TOTALLY TORCH 250 of your associates, He'll OPEN UP THE GROUND to kill you, then TOTALLY TORCH 250 of your associates, and then if anyone gets upset He'll wipe out another 1000 or so people.

Ladies and gentlemen, Numbers 16!

ROTFWL You have to love God's famous sense of humor. The look on the face of those scum God was killing in that story must have been great; "But I am one of your Chosen Elect!" and then God spitting on them and saying "not anymore LUZER, now DIE!"