[Brother V]

1 Samuel 25-27

Today we get:

• David and Nabal
• Saul chases David AGAIN
• David in Gath

1 Samuel 25

1 And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.

If Samuel died, why is this called the book of Samuel. It's odd, most of Samuel is about David and Saul. Why isn't it called Saul, or David, or why isn't it the first book of Kings? (ok, originally it was the first book of kings).

2 And there was a man in Maon, whose possessions were in Carmel; and the man was very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel.

Truly the LORD blessed him.

3 Now the name of the man was Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and she was a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man was churlish and evil in his doings; and he was of the house of Caleb.

Why the LORD blessed him, is a good question. (It will be revealed later)

Nabal was shearing his sheep, so David sent some messengers to talk to him, saying:

6 And thus shall ye say to him that liveth in prosperity, Peace be both to thee, and peace be to thine house, and peace be unto all that thou hast.

7 And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel.

8 Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.

So David just asks for a little handout from Nabal. Nothing too much.

10 And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who is David? and who is the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.

11 Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give it unto men, whom I know not whence they be?

Why should he give anything to David, did he ever ASK David for his help? What, is David running some kind of Sopranos protection racket?

Well, they must have, because when Nabal refused to give David some stuff, David arms his people for battle.

13 And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.

Woke up this morning,
got yourself a sword.
Mama always said you'd be
The Chosen One.

Some of Nabal's servants heard that David and the boys were coming, so they begged Abigail to try to stop David.

15 But the men were very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields:

We were nice to them, and they were nice to us.

16 They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.

A wall. What is the significance of a wall. A wall is more than a fence. One definition is "A 'wall' is a usually solid structure that defines and sometimes protects an area."

David and his men were a solid structure that protected an area. They didn't allow anything through. They were a barrier that kept goodness in and evil out. They were more than a wall in a house, they were the city wall, that kept enemy hordes at bay. Like the great wall of China, they kept mongols away.

17 Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.

Nabal is a bad bad man, and David's gonna go kill him. Probably.

18 Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched corn, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid them on asses.

So Abigail is gonna give David what he asked for in the first place, in the hopes that he won't kill her husband (because when he does kill him, most likely, David will have everything/everyone else killed too).

19 And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.

Nabal would probably think that he could take David anyway.

20 And it was so, as she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert on the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.

They just stopped her, they didn't attack or anything that drastic.

21 Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this fellow hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that pertained unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.

David says, he didn't have to have his men not take any of the thousands of sheep or goats, but he did, so now he's gonna get his.

22 So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

Pisseth against the wall. What an interesting phrase. Some "scholars" have said that this phrase just means "men" (because men can pee standing up). Others say that this means "dogs". But lets look at it again, with what we know about the wall. The wall was a boundary. People should respect the boundary. Pissing on it, would say that you have no respect for the thing that protects you from outside evil.

David and his men were the wall. David was saying, he wouldn't leave anyone who disrespected him. Pissing on him would be a great form of disrespect. It's not an accident that he used this phrase. He knew he was the wall.

23 And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,

She asks if she can have a moment of David's time.

25 Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.

Nabal means wilt or failure. Wilt is his name, and he will wilt. That's not a nice way to talk about your husband. (It didn't mean wilt as though he needed viagra, it means wilt, like to die off.)

She then flatters David, in the hopes that he won't kill everyone.

32 And David said to Abigail, Blessed be the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:

33 And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.

David was kind of sweet on her, apparently.

34 For in very deed, as the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

Think of how Ozzy disrespected the Alamo. The same would be Nabal's disrespect for David.

35 So David received of her hand that which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.

Thanks for the grub.

36 And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart was merry within him, for he was very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.

Why ruin his good time when he's drunk, at least this time he was a happy drunk, and not surly drunk.

37 But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.

See, when the LORD wants someone dead, He can kill them Himself.

38 And it came to pass about ten days after, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.

Wilt wilted.

39 And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed be the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.

Thank GOD he's dead! Hey, wanna get hitched?

42 And Abigail hasted, and arose and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife.

In Hebrew lore, Abigail is considered to be one of the four hottest chicks around. The others are Sarah, Rahab, and Esther.

43 David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.

So David had Ahinoam and Abigail as his wives.

44 But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which was of Gallim.

So Saul gives away both of his daughters to other men. Both of which were promised to David.

1 Samuel 26

1 And the Ziphites came unto Saul to Gibeah, saying, Doth not David hide himself in the hill of Hachilah, which is before Jeshimon?

What SHOULD have happened was, Saul said, "after the incident where he took part of my skirt, I said I'd never chase him again".

But that didn't happen.

2 Then Saul arose, and went down to the wilderness of Ziph, having three thousand chosen men of Israel with him, to seek David in the wilderness of Ziph.

Saul stopped for the night, and David sent spies to look in on him.

5 And David arose, and came to the place where Saul had pitched: and David beheld the place where Saul lay, and Abner the son of Ner, the captain of his host: and Saul lay in the trench, and the people pitched round about him.

David asks who will go with him. One of his people agrees to go.

7 So David and Abishai came to the people by night: and, behold, Saul lay sleeping within the trench, and his spear stuck in the ground at his bolster: but Abner and the people lay round about him.

Abishai tells David that God has given him Saul to kill, so go ahead and do it.

David starts to talk like Yoda.

9 And David said to Abishai, Destroy him not: for who can stretch forth his hand against the LORD's anointed, and be guiltless?

10 David said furthermore, As the LORD liveth, the LORD shall smite him; or his day shall come to die; or he shall descend into battle, and perish.


David's not gonna kill him. If God wants Saul dead, God can kill him. (Just like Nabal)

12 So David took the spear and the cruse of water from Saul's bolster; and they gat them away, and no man saw it, nor knew it, neither awaked: for they were all asleep; because a deep sleep from the LORD was fallen upon them.

So far, during Saul's sleep, David has taken his spear, his canteen and a piece of his skirt.

After taking the items, David goes to the other side of the stream.

14 And David cried to the people, and to Abner the son of Ner, saying, Answerest thou not, Abner? Then Abner answered and said, Who art thou that criest to the king?

Duh, I'm David, dummy!

15 And David said to Abner, Art not thou a valiant man? and who is like to thee in Israel? wherefore then hast thou not kept thy lord the king? for there came one of the people in to destroy the king thy lord.

16 This thing is not good that thou hast done. As the LORD liveth, ye are worthy to die, because ye have not kept your master, the LORD's anointed. And now see where the king's spear is, and the cruse of water that was at his bolster.

What kind of a crappy general are you, if I were a bad person, I could have killed the king, for that, you should die!

17 And Saul knew David's voice, and said, Is this thy voice, my son David? And David said, It is my voice, my lord, O king.

Then David asks why Saul is AGAIN chasing him, what has he done wrong?

19 Now therefore, I pray thee, let my lord the king hear the words of his servant. If the LORD have stirred thee up against me, let him accept an offering: but if they be the children of men, cursed be they before the LORD; for they have driven me out this day from abiding in the inheritance of the LORD, saying, Go, serve other gods.


If it's God who sent you to kill me, then David will make an offering, if it's just normal people, then David will probably wind up killing them.

21 Then said Saul, I have sinned: return, my son David: for I will no more do thee harm, because my soul was precious in thine eyes this day: behold, I have played the fool, and have erred exceedingly.

(again)

25 Then Saul said to David, Blessed be thou, my son David: thou shalt both do great things, and also shalt still prevail. So David went on his way, and Saul returned to his place.

Didn't this just happen the other day?

1 Samuel 27

1 And David said in his heart, I shall now perish one day by the hand of Saul: there is nothing better for me than that I should speedily escape into the land of the Philistines; and Saul shall despair of me, to seek me any more in any coast of Israel: so shall I escape out of his hand.

Why did he say that, when Saul just promised to stop chasing him?

2 And David arose, and he passed over with the six hundred men that were with him unto Achish, the son of Maoch, king of Gath.

David goes and hides with Achish.

3 And David dwelt with Achish at Gath, he and his men, every man with his household, even David with his two wives, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail the Carmelitess, Nabal's wife.

Abigail the hottie!

4 And it was told Saul that David was fled to Gath: and he sought no more again for him.

About time, he honoured his commitment to not chasing David.

5 And David said unto Achish, If I have now found grace in thine eyes, let them give me a place in some town in the country, that I may dwell there: for why should thy servant dwell in the royal city with thee?

Achish gives him Ziklag to live in, David lived there for 16 months.

From there, David and his men go out and raid surrounding cities.

8 And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt.

Remember, Saul is considered to be a bad example, of doing what you want to do, instead of what the LORD wants you to do, and David is a representative of doing the LORD's will.

9 And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive, and took away the sheep, and the oxen, and the asses, and the camels, and the apparel, and returned, and came to Achish.

So David is out killing Philistines, while Achish (the Philistine) is providing him with shelter (being David's wall).

10 And Achish said, Whither have ye made a road to day? And David said, Against the south of Judah, and against the south of the Jerahmeelites, and against the south of the Kenites.


David tells Achish he is out warring against Achish and Jerahmeel, and Ken. When he's out killing Philistines.

11 And David saved neither man nor woman alive, to bring tidings to Gath, saying, Lest they should tell on us, saying, So did David, and so will be his manner all the while he dwelleth in the country of the Philistines.

But he killed everyone, so that they couldn't go back and tell Achish that David was killing Philistines.

12 And Achish believed David, saying, He hath made his people Israel utterly to abhor him; therefore he shall be my servant for ever.

Achish believes that David is out kill Hebrews, when he's actually killing Achish's people.

PRAISE JESUS!!!

So what have we learned today?

1. People who piss on the wall should be killed!
2. Saul loses many items during his sleep.
3. David doesn't just bite the hand that feeds, he cuts it off, then stabs in the back, but they are Philistines, so it's ok.

YIC
V

[Ahimaaz Smith]

The saga of the Amalekites serves as a stark reminder that you don’t screw around with God’s chosen people. As I'm sure we all remember, the Amalekites attacked the Hebrews in Exodus 17:8, Deuteronomy 25:17-18, Judges 3:13, and Judges 6:2-5. Eventually, God's infinite patience wore thin:

And the LORD said unto Moses, Write this for a memorial in a book, and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua: for I will utterly put out the remembrance of Amalek from under heaven. Exodus 17:14

We might ask, if God's purpose was to cause the Amalekites to be forgotten, why God instructed Moses to write the memorial in the book destined to become the best seller of all time. I can only venture a guess, which is that, sometime after the rapture, God will remove the sections on the Amalekites from the Holy Bible, but I will leave this theological point to be considered by persons like Pastor Zeke who are far smarter and more learned in the Word than am I. In any case, some 300 years later, God (who was very busy in the meantime selling the Hebrews into slavery and breaking them out of bondage over and over again) got around to meting out his swift and terrible vengeance:

And Saul smote the Amalekites from Havilah until thou comest to Shur, that is over against Egypt. And he took Agag the king of the Amalekites alive, and utterly destroyed all the people with the edge of the sword. But Saul and the people spared Agag.... 1 Samuel 15:7-9

Then said Samuel, bring ye hither to me Agag the king of the Amalekites. And Agag came unto him delicately. And Agag said, Surely the bitterness of death is past. And Samuel said, As thy sword hath made women childless, so shall thy mother be childless among women. And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. 1 Samuel 15:32-33

And David and his men went up, and invaded the Geshurites, and the Gezrites, and the Amalekites: for those nations were of old the inhabitants of the land, as thou goest to Shur, even unto the land of Egypt. And David smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive… 1 Samuel 27:8-9

How, I hear you cry, could David slaughter the Amalekites in 1 Samuel 27:8 when Saul and Samuel together had already killed them all utterly back in 1 Samuel 15? The answer is straightforward. Though you would not think that there was time for this, Agag managed to repopulate the Amalekite nation in the few days between his the capture in 1 Samuel 15:8-9 and his execution in 1 Samuel 16:32-33. Perhaps some ancient human cloning technology was involved, though I tend to favor the view that he engaged in more conventional methods of repopulation.

Now we scan see why God was so angry with Saul in 1 Samuel 15. Our God is a merciful God, and he wants to keep the slaughtering of entire populations down to a bare minimum. By sparing one Amalekite in chapter 15, Saul had inadvertently subjected the entire Amalekite nation to a second genocide at the hands of David in 1 Samuel 27.

Alas, the saga of the benighted Amalekites does not stop there. Whilst engaged in killing all of the Amalekite men and women, David overlooked the opportunity to finish the job by slaughtering the children, too, and thus ensured that the pesky Amalekites would require yet another round of Holy vengance. Sure enough, David was called to the task once again in 1 Samuel 30:

And it came to pass, when David and his men were come to Ziklag on the third day, that the Amalekites had invaded the south, and Ziklag, and smitten Ziklag, and burned it with fire; 1 Samuel 30:1.

And David smote them from the twilight even unto the evening of the next day: and there escaped not a man of them, save four hundred young men, which rode upon camels, and fled. 1 Samuel 30:17

If we have learned nothing else from the First Book of Samuel, we certainly now know that Amalekites are much like vermin in the granary. If you let even one live, in no time, they will breed like rabbits and completely restore their population. And yes, I know what you’re probably thinking, but don’t worry about the 400 Amalekites who escaped. As we will see in 1 Chronicles 4, the good people of Judah finished off the survivors, and we never again heard from the axis of ancient evil that was the Amalekite nation:

And they smote the rest of the Amalekites that were escaped, and dwelt there unto this day. 1 Chronicles 4:43.

Quick note: If necessary to honor His vow that the Amalekites will disappear from human memory, I hereby grant our Lord permission to delete this post ,without prior consultation, at any time he may so choose.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Brother V

25 Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send.

Nabal means wilt or failure. Wilt is his name, and he will wilt. That's not a nice way to talk about your husband. (It didn't mean wilt as though he needed viagra, it means wilt, like to die off.)

What kind of a horrible parent calls their kid Failure anyway?

37 But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became as a stone.

See, when the LORD wants someone dead, He can kill them Himself.

By making them emo.

So what have we learned today?

1. People who piss on the wall should be killed!
2. Saul loses many items during his sleep.
3. David doesn't just bite the hand that feeds, he cuts it off, then stabs in the back, but they are Philistines, so it's ok.

4. If you want your child to have a long and happy life, don't name them Wilt.

[Ahimaaz Smith]

Originally Posted by Brother V

So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

I wasn't going to say anything, but, before I was saved, I was a miserable, sinning wall pisser. In fact, I was brought to the ways of the Lord by a Christian fundamentalist group, the Yellowman Fellowship, who focus their ministry on wall pissers everywhere. So, PRAISE GOD!, I was saved by the Holy Ghost and the Christian piss patrol.

If there are any wall pissers reading this right now (you know who you are, and He does, too), this is my witness to you: through Christ Jesus, you too can come to know the joy of pissing in accordance with His Holy Word.

So walls are out, but I still haven't figured out that bidet thing. I'm thinking that's the work of the Devil, since only gay French guys (which is to say, all French guys) seem to know how to use it.