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Moderator Arms Dealer for CHRIST Hands folded for Jesus
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Posts: 5,251
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: On the Straight and Narrow (Earthly location: Freehold, Iowa)
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Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-18-2008, 08:32 PM
“Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of JESUS CHRIST my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win CHRIST." -Philippians 3:8
The Bible tells us that all things but the knowledge of JESUS CHRIST are as dung.
As True Christians, we do everything to the Glory of GOD. Often people ask us how we can possibly expect to do every single thing in our lives to His Glory.
Well, I think that this is a good question. How do we expect to do everything to His Glory, even when making and excreting dung which the Bible uses to to represent things that are disgusting and deplorable to the LORD?
I would like to offer these suggestions which I have found to strengthen my love for CHRIST and keep me holy when doing my dirty business in the toilet:
1. Sing a hymn! We shouldn't expect the Lord to want to sit there in Heaven listening to us make bodily noises in the bowl. Certainly that must be very awkward for Him! I always cover the sounds of my shame by singing a song of love to my Precious Savior. Sometimes I've had to sing out very loudly, such as after eating a spoiled potato salad at pot luck, but I always know that GOD appreciates the effort regardless of whether or not my neighbors can hear me singing in the bathroom.
2. Read the Bible! What better way to keep toilet time holy than by reading God's personal letter to us! (Breathe through your mouth so as not to associate any of the Bible with foul smells or waste.)
3. After finishing my business on the toilet, instead of rubbing paper on my behind, I fill the bathtub with warm water, sit down in it and bob up and down to wash away my impurity. The purpose of this is twofold: Firstly, it reminds me of the meaning of Baptism and being washed in the warm blood of CHRIST, and secondly, it allows me to avoid touching myself back THERE like some kind of homosexual deviant.
4. When doing a number one, I gaze Heavenward instead of looking down at my dirty parts. It is better to look to JESUS and live forever than it is to have a stain-free toilet but burn in hell for admiring myself. (Besides, Mrs. Fore will clean it up.)
5. When sitting down to do a number 2, I lay a towel across my lap to keep from seeing my own nakedness, and to prevent the unholy smell from rising Heavenward.
6. If I eat a large meal, I will take a laxative afterwards so I will not feel any long, hard pieces of excrement passing through, thereby avoiding images and sensations of sodomy that might lure me into depravity.
I hope these tips help, and if you have any other ideas, please list them.
As always, GOD BLESS!
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True Christian™
True Christian™
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Posts: 2,546
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Pastor Deacon Fred Hall, Landover Christian University School of Law, Freehold, Iowa, God's Country
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-18-2008, 10:00 PM
Bob4God, these are truly inspirational words, and I have posted them in my study carrel in the Landover Christian University School of Law. I have always felt that an especially important piece of my calling to ministry is the prevention of pissing against walls:
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1 Samuel 25:22 (see also 1 Samuel 25:34, 1 Kings 14:10, 1 Kings 16:11, 1 Kings 21:21, 2 Kings 9:8, all available online here). I know that some people think that "those who pisseth against the wall" refers to all men, but, as a Bible literalist, I know better. If God wanted to say "all men," he would have said exactly that.
We should also be careful to avoid angering God, since he has been known every now and then to use dung as a punishment for sinners:
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight. And the LORD said, Even thus shall the children of Israel eat their defiled bread among the Gentiles, whither I will drive them. Ezekiel 4:12-13 Let this be a word of warning for those who question why we work so hard to stop the spread of homosexuality and abortion and other abominations against God.
I am also passing your words on to Pastor Wide Open, since I know that he is especially interested in all things pertaining to God and bathrooms.
Pour out thy fury upon the heathen that know thee not, and upon the families that call not on thy name.... Jeremiah 10:25
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True Christian™ Princess The Driving Force behind RA12 Have at it, anytime!
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Posts: 11,024
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Location: At the Gift Exchange Counter
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-18-2008, 10:10 PM
Oh - I thought this might have been a thread on the Godly Ted Haggard.
Was wondering how the system for Praising Jesus! by toe-taps worked.
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Debate Moderator (and participant) Master Debater-- Has Never Been Defeated in a Debate Louder Than Reason
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Posts: 2,139
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 01:37 AM
Heavenly points, brother. Going to the bathroom is a dangerous topic I covered back in November of 2006.
Going to the Bathroom: A Gateway to Evil
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley
Folks, it has recently come to my attention that a lot of young people (mostly gothic males) are, during the act of expelling waste, touching their private areas. Now I was always raised to know not to do such things, as were my children but I don't think that everyone here in Landover is aware of the alarming amount of masturbation that takes place during the act of urinating.
Allow me to draw out a time line for you to adequately describe what is occurring:
Step 1: Subject feels need to go to bathroom
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door (unless they are goths or homosexuals and enjoy the sick thrill of people watching them urinate).
Step 3: Subject undoes pants zipper and button and removes private areas, extending them outside of the pants (by hand).
Step 4: Subject urinates while touching private areas, in my studies of watching the security cameras in the Radio Station's bathroom I would say that roughly 90% of all people that urinate while touching their private parts become filled with Satan and aroused to the point of debauchery.
Step 5: Subject "shakes" private areas to get any left over "droplets" into the toilet, this experience can include premature ejaculation.
As you can see by this outline, those that urinate in the "Hilary Clinton" style (I coined the name myself) are sick-minded individuals or poor ignorant lost souls on their way to hell. There is really only one solution to this problem which is adopting a new plan of urination to be taught in Christian Schools across America immediately. I call it the "Wash" style of urination (I coined the name myself) and I will briefly outline how it works:
Step 1: Subject, while in their daily Christian schedule of praying, reading the Bible or feeling the negative effects of homosexuality in other parts of the nation, feels the sudden urge to urinate.
Step 2: Subject enters bathroom and closes door, locking it on the door knob as well as at least 3 locks on the door to avoid anyone coming in.
Step 3: Subject blind-folds self, unzips pants and then with sterilized gloves pulls pants down (from the belt loops).
Step 4: Without touching private areas, subject urinates blindly into the direction of the toilet.
Step 5: Subject pulls pants up (by the belt loops) and zips pants back up.
Step 6: Subject burns gloves and sterilizes hands and puts rubbing alcohol into eyes.
Step 7: Subject begs God for forgiveness.
Hopefully my plan will limit the amount of masturbation occuring in the United States to Goths, Homosexuals and Liberals. Some may think that my plan takes too long (the fastest bathroom trip I have ever had was 15 minutes) and that it creates a mess that is a potential health risk. To this I have one response: see you in Hell (from heaven).
Having a bathroom that looks like mine is a small price to pay for eternal salvation. Plus, if you have a wife she will be more than happy to clean it for you (cleaning up after a Godly man is every housewive's dream).
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http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=887
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Municipal Code Archivist - Deuteronomy 28:58 Christ's Guardian
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Posts: 23,743
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Mostly on the front porch.
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 01:47 AM
One mistaken rule used by fraternities and hippies alike: Keep matches in the bathroom.
Smelling all that sulfur is likely to lead to other infernal thoughts.
Keep a glade plug-in in the bathroom, instead.
May you be a blessing to every life you touch.
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One of the Lord's Airborne Rangers Salvation from Above God's Favorite Pilot™
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Location: Flying the Friendly Skies for Jesus!
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 05:54 AM
Brother Fore and Brother O'Hanley,
Those tips are excellent, as were those of Brothers Smith and King. When I was unsaved, I was guilty of many, many sins involving the elimination of waste, both my own waste and the waste of others. It is a topic to horrible to mention here.
I only bring it up as a way to mention my zero-tolerance policy for the viewing, hearing, and touching of any and all bodily functions and parts "down there". Here is how I recommend passing (pardon my language) urine.
1. Put on Hearing Protection Radio Headphones tuned to Radio Landover BEFORE pants are lowered, to avoid hearing lascivious zipper sound as well as the splashing of my elimination.
2. Avert eyes toward Heaven, and lower pants and both pairs of modesty underpants.
3. Apologize to Jesus for being nude below the waste.
4. Carefully lie across the bowl of the toilet with "parts" hanging into the bowl.
5. Hum along to Radio Landover as the deed is done.
6. Lie there and let any excess "waste" drip into the bowl.
7. Stand up, eyes averted, apologize to Jesus again, then pull garments up.
8. With eyes cast down only far enough to see the lid of the toilet, shut the lid WITHOUT looking in the bowl.
9. Use your foot to depress the flush lever, and say a quick prayer.
10. Apologize to Jesus a third time.
This is what I do at home. When forced to use a public restroom, I use more precations because of the AIDS, but that is for a different thread.
My #2 procedure is similar to Brother Fore's, but I wear a respirator as well, as I have trouble breathing through my mouth in a bathroom.
Winging our Way Across the World for The Lord!
God Bless John Boehner and God Bless the Grand Old Party!
Barack Hussein Obama is not My President!!!
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 05:58 AM
This is why God gave us bellies, so we don't have to look "down there."
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Honorary True Christian™ Sweet Placid Sister
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Posts: 9,562
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Location: Surrounded by hippie vermin
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 06:43 AM
I understand there are certain Pastors so devoted to not seeing their own naughty parts -- and not stopping a marathon 3-hour sermon -- that they use Depends undergarments. However, I will not reveal any of their names, lest they be embarassed.
On a completely unrelated subject, was anyone else amazed by Pastor Ezekiel's stamina this past Sunday? Why, he kept driving his Godly points home for hours on end!! I was so exhausted by his rhetoric that I could barely stand up after.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
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Location: Red Peking
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 11:56 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley
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Would you PLEASE stop posting that???
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 11:59 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahimaaz Smith
I am also passing your words on to Pastor Wide Open, since I know that he is especially interested in all things pertaining to God and bathrooms.
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Thank you for the heads up Brother. (heads up indeed) Although I barely ever talk about bathrooms - even I have my limits - I often wonder about them, and how they relate to Baby Jesus.
Of course - and you may not know this - here in heathen Europe, a "bathroom" appears to be something different than a "bathroom" in the Godly US. I'm short of time now, but I'm sure you all would want me to elaborate on this very topic.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wash O'Hanley
Heavenly points, brother. Going to the bathroom is a dangerous topic I covered back in November of 2006.
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That's a beautiful bathroom Brother Wash, and it looks much like mine. It hasn't been cleaned for over a year now (after the terrible accident that happened to my wife), and as you know we don't have Mexicants around in this hellhole.
I have to go now.
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:16 PM
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:17 PM
Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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God Squad
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:28 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??
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Hey Missy! What do you think Hell will be like? Clean shiny porcelain?
NO! You'll be sleeping and eating your meals in one of these!
You better get Jesus while you can! In Heaven the toilets sparkle!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
Why the graphic descriptions?? Why, why, why??
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Listen you witch: you don't HAVE to read it. I'm sure witches don't even know the concept of bathrooms, but WE DO and WE HAVE TO KNOW HOW JESUS RELATES TO THEM!
Now let us discuss this topic in peace before I flush you down to Quarantine.
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield
Hey Missy! What do you think Hell will be like? Clean shiny porcelain?
NO! You'll be sleeping and eating your meals in one of these!
You better get Jesus while you can! In Heaven the toilets sparkle!
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YE GODS!!!!!
After the repulsive microwave 'chicken' I just had, seeing that was the final straw!!!
Now please excuse my while I go pray to the porcelain god. I hope you're happy.
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:33 PM
You better pray to the real God and Jesus Christ! If this is what it takes to save your soul finally, I call on all members to show this hell bound sinner the worst they can!
We have Satan on the ropes and we can save Rachael!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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HEATHEN — Suspected Witch
Forum Member
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Posts: 5,110
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Red Peking
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:42 PM
NO MORE toilet pictures, PLEASE!!!
Wake up and smell the 21st Century!!
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
NO MORE toilet pictures, PLEASE!!!
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Are you ready to accept Jesus Christ as your Savior?
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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Director of European Evangelical Outreach A Shining Example of Christ's Love Quite possibly the only decent, heterosexual human being in the whole of Europe
True Christian™
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Posts: 18,677
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: A frictional country
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:49 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachael Van Helsing
NO MORE toilet pictures, PLEASE!!!
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Is this you perhaps?
Psalm 81:10:
I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the land of Egypt:
open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it.
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God Squad
True Christian™
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Posts: 9,322
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: rebuking eurotrash commies
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Re: Praising GOD in the Bathroom -
11-19-2008, 12:51 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wide-Open
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Pumpkin God, Porcelain God. All the same to her!
Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
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