[Herman Periwinkle]

In the Spring of 1973, I married my wife Rhoda. We were married for four miraculous days until she confused her milk with rat poison and vomited to death. God sent her a test of faith and she failed.

In our four short days together, I had already administered punishment upon her more than once, as she so frequently needed correction. I know at least one of those punishments would have been sufficient to kill any large mammal of 300 lbs or more within a few hours. I attribute her survival of those punishments to her glorious faith in Christ Jesus. Her memory is a loving reminder that your most important test of faith is your last one. I have faith that she is in hell now, having failed her most important test of faith.

The Lord has sent me so many wives, and so many have failed God's tests of faith (thank God for Freehold Mutual Insurance™). I have faith that there is a woman here in Freehold who God has designed for me. I'll know who she is upon our first date, shortly after just a couple drinks. Does anyone know any eligible True Christian™ ladies in Freehold who can replace someone like Rhoda or any of the others?