[Old Iron Crotch]

A man walks into a Catholic church and sees a golden telephone sitting next to the pulpit. He asks the priest what the golden phone is for, and the priest tells him that it's a direct line to God. The man asks if he can use it, and the proest tells him that he can, but it will cost him $1000 per minute in long distance charges. He leaves, goes to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, and each has a golden phone and each has exorbitant fees to use them.

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

[Unfalsifiable]

One day a PAstor woke up on Sunday, and instead of going to Church, he cheekily decided to drive 20 miles out to the next town over to play golf on their golf course.

He put his golf ball down and drove it towards the hole, a gust of wind took it and landed it perfectly, without a bounce, in the hole.

An Angel leaned over to God and asked, "why did you do that for him?", God replied "who's he gonna tell!?"

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Dances with Joy

A man walks into a Catholic church and sees a golden telephone sitting next to the pulpit. He asks the priest what the golden phone is for, and the priest tells him that it's a direct line to God. The man asks if he can use it, and the proest tells him that he can, but it will cost him $1000 per minute in long distance charges. He leaves, goes to a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Presbyterian church, and each has a golden phone and each has exorbitant fees to use them.

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

I don't get it.

Are you suggesting that Heaven is next door to the Gateway to Hell?

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by JennyD

I don't get it.

Are you suggesting that Heaven is next door to the Gateway to Hell?

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Dances with Joy

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

Just because you witches live in a make-believe, anything goes fantasy world, it doesn't follow that Heaven is made up. Unfortunately for you, you'll probably never find out for yourself.

THIS is what awaits you and your hateful tribe of demons. Praise Jesus.

[Sister Noddy]

Originally Posted by Dances with Joy

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

No yourself, Dances! We know from the BIBLE that this can't be true, for it is written in LUKE! . . .


19There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

20And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

21And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

22And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;

23And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

24And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

26And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

27Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father's house:

28For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.

29Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.

30And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.

31And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.


. . . so there, let that be a lesson to those who take the Word of God too lightly!

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Dances with Joy

NO - the point is that Heaven is here if you make it so.

OHH! Now I get it!

The joke is on the silly Unitarian, who thinks that he can call ANYTHING Heaven, even his worship-of-nothing hall. That's very funny!

Sorry for being a bit slow on the uptake, I had a long day.

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Dances with Joy

Finally, he goes into a Unitarian church and sees yet another golden phone. He asks the minister how much it costs to phone God, and the minister tells him "Not a cent." When the man asks why, the minister tells him, "Because here, Heaven is a local call."

They didn't mention that the phone didn't work because the phone company had cut them off for being a bunch of lazy Communist hippies who never paid their bills.

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

Cookies at your funeral


A Man is on his death bed close to passing a way.
Suddenly he tantalisingly smells the aroma of his favourite chocolate cookies drifting into his room.

With all his effort he manages to stagger downstairs in to the kitchen.
There he sees piles of his favourite cookies on the table.
With trembling hands he reaches out to grab a cookie.
However, suddenly his hand is slapped with a spatula and his wife shouts out

“Get off, those are for your funeral.”

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?


Charismatic : Only 1
Hands are already in the air.


Pentecostal : 10
One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.


Presbyterians : None
Lights will go on and off at predestined times.


Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.


Baptists : At least 15.
One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.


Episcopalians: 3
One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.


Mormons : 5
One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.


Unitarians :
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.


Methodists : Undetermined
Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.


Nazarene : 6
One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.


Lutherans : None
Lutherans don't believe in change. Amen!!


Amish :
What's a light bulb?

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?'


The bartender says, 'Yep, that's him.' So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?'

Bush says, ' I'm planning WW III.'

The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'

Bush says, 'Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big boobs.

The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big boobs?

Why kill a blonde with big boobs?'

Bush turns to the bartender and says,

'See, I told you, no one gives a damn about the 140 million Muslims'.

[RossDLtn]

BTB, you just made my morning with that one.

Praise!

[Daisy Mae Johnson]

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
faced the congregation, and said:



'I outlived the bitches.

[Pastor Rune Enoe]

This is one I've received from Pastor Pistle:

It's 3 am. The ghosts of Presidents past visit Hillary to give her advice to change her ways.

George Washington tells her to be honest.

Thomas Jefferson tells her to listen to the people.

Abraham Lincoln tells her to take a break and go to the theater.

[Father Maurice Lester]

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde

CHANGING A LIGHT BULB THE CHRISTIAN WAY
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

*edit for clarity*

Baptists version 2



Five.

One to hold the bulb and five to drink until the room spins!

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Father Maurice Lester

*edit for clarity*

Baptists version 2



Five.

One to hold the bulb and five to drink until the room spins!

Five plus one equals five?

Must be that Catlicker math. You know, the kind where Holy Ghost + Father + Son = Mary, Queen of Heaven!

[Rhino_Racing]

Can cold Water Clean Dishes?

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of West Virginia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get them.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted.

'COLDWATER, LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! & GO LAY DOWN!!!!'


Peace to all

[Virginia Day Templeton]

Did you folks hear that there's a Negro in Sister Thumper's family tree?

Yeah, he's still hanging there!



Sorry if someone posted this already.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Virginia D. Templeton

Did you folks hear that there's a Negro in Sister Thumper's family tree?

Yeah, he's still hanging there!



Sorry if someone posted this already.

Sister Templeton, I must admit that you had me going there with that first line....I was speed dialing sister Thumper to call off our engagement with one hand, and touching the BAN button with the other.

Good thing I went on to read that second line, huh. I sure hope sister Thumper has a good sense of humor about the message I left on her answering machine.

[Old Iron Crotch]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Sister Templeton, I must admit that you had me going there with that first line....I was speed dialing sister Thumper to call off our engagement with one hand, and touching the BAN button with the other.

Good thing I went on to read that second line, huh. I sure hope sister Thumper has a good sense of humor about the message I left on her answering machine.

TC love sure is fickle. Of course, it's not like you're ever going to actually marry her anyway, since being perpetually engaged to be married is a good way to pass for straight while still having "bears" in your "basement."