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Unhappy Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-09-2012, 09:47 AM

Ladies of Landover, I need your advice.

As some of you know I am unmarried and as I'm sure all of you know the best way of remedying that is through delicious pies. With that in mind I cleared some time yesterday to practice.

I spoke to my married neighbour and he said his favourite pie was an apple one. I'm not for one moment suggesting that I was baking pies to lure him from his (admittedly hell-bound) wife, just that that seemed like a good place to start - I had proof after all that it was a pie liked by men (and to think the atheists accuse us of ignoring evidence).

As I'm still new to the ways of offering pie to men I decided to use a pre-made apple pie filling and pre-made pastry. It's possible the Lord took exception to this laziness, I'm not sure - advice would be welcome.

Well, I laid out all the ingredients and set the oven to pre-heat. I started weighing out the cinammon, as my neighbour was very clear that a real apple pie must have cinammon, and then went to my closet to pray for a succesful pie.

When I got back to the kitchen there was an odd smell in the air but I just assumed that was a normal part of the pie making process. I started opening the can of pie filling but the smoke alarm made me jump and I cut my hand quite badly on the jagged edge of the can and spilt the pie filling all over the floor. At this point I'm ashamed to say I cursed quite loudly but fortunately managed to avoid taking the Lord's name in vain.

Checking the oven released thick clouds of smoke but I eventually realised that I'd left the oven gloves in there and they had caught fire. I managed to sort that out and bandage my hand but I was well behind schedule by that point and my bandaged hand was making me clumsy. Trying to get back on schedule as I had planned on a rhubarb crumble after the apple pie I was running around and slipped on the apple pie filling I'd spilt earlier, bringing the ingredients down with one of my flailing arms. I cracked my head quite hard and lost consciousness for a few moments.

When I came to, my cat (I'm 31 and unmarried. Yes, I own a cat) was licking my thigh. As I'd fallen I'd spilt milk all over myself. Now, it was only just above the knee but I wasn't sure exactly how far Leviticus 18:23 applied and I didn't want to run the risk of accidentally breaking it so I shoed Chairman Miaow away and took the jeans off as I feared they had been tainted. As my blouse was also soaked I took that off as well.

Whether it was the blow to the head or some demon of confusion I'm not sure, but instead of putting the blouse in the washing machine I actually put it in the oven. I didn't realise that at the time though and wandered off to change my clothes.

While I was upstairs the smoke alarm went off again and I raced downstairs but tripped over my cat and fell down the stairs. The next thing I remember is that several firemen were in my house, one sorting out my burning blouse in the oven while two checked if I was OK as I was lying facedown on the floor in my underwear while Chairman Miaow licked my, errr, my behind.

The true tragedy isn't the smoke damage to the kitchen, the loss of a good blouse or the fact that I had to kill Chairman Miaow. The true tragedy is that one of the firemen made a pointed remark about Leviticus 20:16 as they carried me out of the house. It seems clear he was a true Christian man and - though disturbingly heavy and rather too muscled for my tastes - I am in no position to be picky at this stage.

So Ladies of Landover. Was it my laziness in using pre-prepared pie ingredients that caused the Lord to punish me or is there something more sinister at work here? I seem to have made some rookie errors in making the pie.
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-09-2012, 06:45 PM

Oh you poor dear! That chain of tragedies must have left you severely rattled.

As I was reading through your story I thought maybe you just needed some guidance in the kitchen from a lady more experienced in the culinary arts, such as myself. But then I got to this part...

Quote:
and took the jeans off
I have to ask what you were thinking, wearing men's clothes in the kitchen! Try dressing more ladylike and surely God will smile on you as you cook and clean in preparation for meeting the special man in your life.


Let Jesus Christ Wash You Clean
in 2016

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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-09-2012, 08:06 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
As I'm still new to the ways of offering pie to men I decided to use a pre-made apple pie filling and pre-made pastry. It's possible the Lord took exception to this laziness, I'm not sure - advice would be welcome.
Well let me just ask a question, would you take a short-cut with praying to the LORD? Would you simply walk by your prayer closet and nod your head and pretend you'd gone in there, dropped to your knees, and spent hours on end just to save time?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
When I came to, my cat (I'm 31 and unmarried. Yes, I own a cat) was licking my thigh.... while Chairman Miaow licked my, errr, my behind.
Dear, I don't know about your kitchen, as things about the LORD and demons are best learned from the men, (1 Timothy 2:12) but you need to confess your furry lap-dance to a pastor as soon as possible! You don't want the bestiality demons to take over your mind and make you desire...impure things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by VictoryOS View Post
I have to ask what you were thinking, wearing men's clothes in the kitchen! Try dressing more ladylike and surely God will smile on you as you cook and clean in preparation for meeting the special man in your life.
Perhaps Miss Moore wears denim bloomers to keep warm in the cold winter months. Here is a photo of a pair of mine I just finished sewing:




Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default 03-09-2012, 08:15 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Well let me just ask a question, would you take a short-cut with praying to the LORD? Would you simply walk by your prayer closet and nod your head and pretend you'd gone in there, dropped to your knees, and spent hours on end just to save time?



Dear, I don't know about your kitchen, as things about the LORD and demons are best learned from the men, (1 Timothy 2:12) but you need to confess your furry lap-dance to a pastor as soon as possible! You don't want the bestiality demons to take over your mind and make you desire...impure things.



Perhaps Miss Moore wears denim bloomers to keep warm in the cold winter months. Here is a photo of a pair of mine I just finished sewing:


Dear Mary, as ever you are an inspiration (to women).

YIC
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-09-2012, 08:26 PM

Well, I've since thrown the jeans out but they were from a women's wear shop and the tag specifically said "women's jeans".

So this is a matter of laziness?
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-10-2012, 03:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
The true tragedy is that one of the firemen made a pointed remark about Leviticus 20:16 as they carried me out of the house. It seems clear he was a true Christian man and - though disturbingly heavy and rather too muscled for my tastes - I am in no position to be picky at this stage.

So Ladies of Landover. Was it my laziness in using pre-prepared pie ingredients that caused the Lord to punish me or is there something more sinister at work here? I seem to have made some rookie errors in making the pie.
My dear Catherine, how is this a tragedy? A possibly True Christian™ fireman comes to your rescue, and you call it a tragedy?

Did it not occur to you that the Lord may have been doing a bit of matchmaking?


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-18-2012, 04:35 AM

Further kitchen problems. I think I shall move house. I completed an apple pie without incident earlier today (using fresh ingredients) and then went out for a while. I left the pie on the window sill to cool.

I've just checked, though, and its gone!

Incidentally, Reverand, I followed your suggestion. I don't want to bore you with prattle but you were right.

Glory!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-18-2012, 06:06 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
Further kitchen problems. I think I shall move house. I completed an apple pie without incident earlier today (using fresh ingredients) and then went out for a while. I left the pie on the window sill to cool.

I've just checked, though, and its gone!

Incidentally, Reverand, I followed your suggestion. I don't want to bore you with prattle but you were right.

Glory!
Miss Moore, Sister Daisy Mae had the same problem. Perhaps one of Mr. O'fagan's window screens would help you, too.



Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-19-2012, 04:17 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine Moore View Post
Further kitchen problems. I think I shall move house. I completed an apple pie without incident earlier today (using fresh ingredients) and then went out for a while. I left the pie on the window sill to cool.

I've just checked, though, and its gone!

Incidentally, Reverand, I followed your suggestion. I don't want to bore you with prattle but you were right.

Glory!
Perhaps a pie safe would be a better choice than a windowsill . . . protects from both thieving hands AND flies.



Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
You can't be a Christian if you don't know God's Word!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-19-2012, 07:47 PM

I would never leave a pie on my windowsill without supervision! Always keep it safe for when my husband comes home. I wouldn´t like it to be eaten by bugs OR taken by thieves! If you can´t always supervise the pie, you should really get the pie safe, it´s a great idea!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-27-2012, 04:23 AM

I would never make an apple pie! Apples are the devils favorite food!!! He told Eve to eat one and even though the LORD had told her not to, she did it anyway, then got her husband to eat one! Because of her, having babies hurts! I know it's pain that we deserve for our sinful nature, but I do not want to risk any of GODS RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT on my family if I serve them up a big ole pie o' sin!

Be safe, not sorry! Stick to sweet potato or pecan. I'll post my recipe for them if you like!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-27-2012, 10:15 AM

Good point, I had never considered that.
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-27-2012, 10:32 AM

Are there any bushes around your windowsill? Can you hear any repetitive 'rhythm' music? The sounds of 'bitch slappin' of baby mommas' hooting and hollerin?

I don't want to worry you but I fear you may have an infestation of darkies.

Maybe call the Counsel to get them moved?

YIC
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-30-2012, 05:13 AM

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Originally Posted by OliveOilMom View Post
I would never make an apple pie! Apples are the devils favorite food!!! He told Eve to eat one and even though the LORD had told her not to, she did it anyway, then got her husband to eat one! Because of her, having babies hurts! I know it's pain that we deserve for our sinful nature, but I do not want to risk any of GODS RIGHTEOUS JUDGEMENT on my family if I serve them up a big ole pie o' sin!

Be safe, not sorry! Stick to sweet potato or pecan. I'll post my recipe for them if you like!
My dear, dear OliveOilMom:

I realize you are but a female, so will say this slowly:

You may, indeed, consume apples. They are not the devil's fruit.

The fruit eaten in the Garden of Eden was not an apple. Or if it was, the Bible does not say it was.

Personally, I wonder if perhaps it was a banana. After all, the banana is perfectly designed for human consumption, and has been consumed by nearly every human -- giving them the knowledge of right and wrong, even as infants, and thus responsible for their actions even before they can read or walk.



Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
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Default Re: Does my kitchen need exorcising? - 03-30-2012, 05:18 AM

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Originally Posted by Mary Etheldreda View Post
Perhaps Miss Moore wears denim bloomers to keep warm in the cold winter months. Here is a photo of a pair of mine I just finished sewing:



There's nothing like denim bloomers to get Uncle Deaner's motor running!! Great God in Heaven; somebody put a warning sticker on that will 'ya?
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