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Default SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-26-2008, 09:20 PM

This Sunday, when you put your credit card on the collection plate, for the first time you will be asked "Would you like to Supersize™ your blessings?" *

By choosing to supersize™ your blessing, your donation will be increased by 30%, and as a thank-you gift for your refusal to rob God of his tithes and offerings (Malachi 3:8) we will give your name to our Veteran Prayer-Warriors, who have survived long tours of duty on the front-line of spiritual warfare in the Presidential Prayer Team.

As a special bonus, even if you do not choose to Supersize™ Your Faith this Sunday, will will give you a free gift of a free-of-charge no-cost prayer for your soul. Our spirtual-battle-scarred prayer warriors will pray for your vile soul to be spared the horrific tortures you deserve, in this world and the next, for robbing God of His property.

Malachi 3:8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD'S, and the fulness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein.

Haggai 2:8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the LORD of hosts.

If you have any other questions, before asking them here I recommend you consult the tithing FAQ.



*(Wait, you're saying, isn't McDonald's going to sue us for trademarking their own already trademarked "supersize"? No, they won't. In case you've not been to a McDonald's lately, they no longer supersize their meals. They now only "Largesize" them.)

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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-26-2008, 09:41 PM

Don't Sister Ginger and I just have the most clean fun you can imagine when we go to the drive-thru and ask the Guys if they can "Super-size" it! You should see the looks on their faces!
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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-26-2008, 09:51 PM

These lil beaners must have asked to be "Super Sized"!!!
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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-26-2008, 09:53 PM

Now there is a Godly thought, 30% more blessings from the Lord for my tithe. Can any other church make the same claim? No! That is the Landover advantage friends! More Tithing, More Blessing, More Christian.



Time to reclaim our FREEDOM from the “Mullah in Chief” and his growing activist voter hoards of socialists, communists, anti-Semites, anti-Christians, atheists, radical gays and lesbians, feminists, illegal immigrants, Muslims, anti-Anglo whites and others.

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Time to come clean on Benghazi Mr Obama!
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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-27-2008, 01:30 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
If you have any other questions, before asking them here I recommend you consult the tithing FAQ.



*(Wait, you're saying, isn't McDonald's going to sue us for trademarking their own already trademarked "supersize"? No, they won't. In case you've not been to a McDonald's lately, they no longer supersize their meals. They now only "Largesize" them.)
Praise Jesus; this just in! In a stunning lawsuit settlement move of unbridled Godliness, the McDonald's Corporation has agreed to match all Supersized™ Tithes this Sunday ONLY! That's right! For every extra percentage point (rounded off to the nearest $1,000) that you agree (of your own God-given free will) to give to Jesus this Sunday during Church Services, McDonald's will match your gift. As if that wasn't enough incentive to Supersize™ your Tithe, each Supersize™ Tither will ALSO receive a book of coupons for FREE WITCH NUGGETS (offer available at any of the 112 Freehold McDonalds outlets).

So you don't forget, act now!


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-27-2008, 11:48 PM

If you give 30% more to God in this life, then in the next life, you will have 30% more diamonds in the crown that He will give you to cast down in front of His throne (Rev. 4:10). Shout glory!


This church is dedicated to preaching True Christianity™ and the King James Bible exactly as they are, with no alterations to make them more politically correct for modern liberals. If you think that we've misquoted or twisted Scripture or quoted any verse out of context, please explain in detail how we've done so. Otherwise, if what you read on this site offends you, then you're offended by Almighty God and His Word, not by us.

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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-27-2008, 11:54 PM

GLORY!!!!!!!!!




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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-28-2008, 01:28 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde View Post
These lil beaners must have asked to be "Super Sized"!!!
If you stab a fat kid, does fat ooze out or do they bleed like normal folk?
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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-28-2008, 07:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vayhr of the Warhost View Post
If you stab a fat kid, does fat ooze out or do they bleed like normal folk?
That does bring up an interesting question. What do they do with all that fat from liposuction surgery? I'm thinking it could be processed into some kind of bio-diesel fuel to bring down oil prices.


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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-29-2008, 03:46 PM

Mr. Thyme and I partook of this marvelous offer at services this morning, and we felt privileged to be among GOD's elect who were chosen to do so. GLORY!


Mark 16:17 And these attesting signs will accompany those who believe: in My Name they will drive out demons.

1 Kings 21:14 Then they sent to Jezebel, saying, Naboth is stoned . . .

A SPIRITUAL WARFARE PRAYER:
Father, In Jesus' Name, I take the Blood of Jesus and break the power of all witches, warlocks, wizards, satanists, sorcerers, wiccans, pagans, and any other source, and all of their rituals off of us. With the Blood of Jesus, I erase all evil lines drawn on our liver. . .

LANDOVER BAPTIST DEMON HUNTING PERMIT #00666-27





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Default Re: SUPERSIZE™ your faith! New this Sunday! - 06-29-2008, 05:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan View Post
What do they do with all that fat from liposuction surgery?
GOD, it is the most hideous shade of yellow! Not that nice White Fat that you see around the Meat in the Supermarkets.

That's what I heard from "Thunder Thighs" Dora Denkins, anyway
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