[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold

I'm involved with finance at Land Over Baptist Church. Every year we find the money for new Escalades, one for each Pastor. It's pricy but we want good morale among our Pastors.

If there were a Santa Claus I think he would provide LBC with these vehicles. We wouldn't need to plead for tithes. I'm coming around to agree with you, Brother Hutchins. Santa Claus seems absent.

Ho-ho-oh-oh, Johny, by Babeee! I can do! I'm feeling very magnanimous this Christmas with all the nasty stuff happening around and with the nice soothing after-effects of the Covid-vaccine still whirling around by system. Nothing to be afraid of regarding the vaccine. I have only very mild side-effects. There's some burning and flush on my arm at the point of the injection, some slight hoarseness and a sore throat. I'm also now a woman called Brenda.

And you'll get your Escalade utility vehicle and I located one that has your favorite color from the days when you so eagerly sat on my lap and rubbed you baby-boy pants against my crotch so forcefully that you had to be removed and it is only last year when the restraining order passed.



Ho, Merry Christmas!

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Isabella White

Oh, you can say that again, dear Brother Hutchins! But, what else can we expect from someone who dresses up to excite innocent children, and then plays with snakes?

Bella, Ho! You're cute and you'd be even cuter if you started using that double-chin removal device I delivered. Just try it, please! Here's something special extra for you to help you along with your other endeavors, darling!

[gamer4Christ]

Dear Santa:

I've probably been too nuahgty for physical gifts, but could you please give me some information? I'm asking about the second verse of "Silent Night":

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight!
Glories stream from heaven afar;

What kind of Quakery are we talking about here? Was there rocket-jumping? Instagib mods/mutators? Was there capture the flag, and did Baby Jesus get to be the flag?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by gamer4Christ

Dear Santa:

I've probably been too nuahgty for physical gifts, but could you please give me some information? I'm asking about the second verse of "Silent Night":

Silent night, holy night!
Shepherds quake at the sight!
Glories stream from heaven afar;

What kind of Quakery are we talking about here? Was there rocket-jumping? Instagib mods/mutators? Was there capture the flag, and did Baby Jesus get to be the flag?

Ho-ho-ho Gamer-boyo! You seem to think that I care about the theology that the sometimes nice and sometimes naughty Jesus-people discuss on this forum.
I don't.

My task is to assess the naughtiness index of each and every one on this planet and deliver gifts based on not only their wishes but their needs. The "Silent night" is far from silent when it comes to my workload. I have absolutely no objections to your questions aimed at trolling (you don't want to see the Real Trolls® on North Pole) but neither do I have any intention of answering them.

As for you, my tween darling, a gamer such as you has very very few opportunities to be naughty as they mostly spend their days as immovable as the next sea squirt. Ho, this means that you'll get presents! First, a selections of sewing pins so that you can do your theology and count how many angels can dance on each pin!





And last but far from least, a book that you gamers really really need. You can let your little friends borrow it once you've learned it by heart.



Ho, I'm preparing for my Day of Duty! So exciting every year. Ho!

[James Hutchins]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Ho, Jamie-boy! You're upset and, as always, whining usually helps. Many boys of your age have moved on from whining but you still consider it a successful strategy to get what you want. You're right. Whining will get you things. Many children have discovered this timeless truth.

OK, here's a nice catalog just like the ones I delivered when you where a wee lad. You can choose not one, not two, but THREE genuine Barbies (in real or imitation plastics) and maybe next year we can discuss their wardrobes! Ho!

A 'Lane Bryant' Catalog.



I'll be swinging by the feed store to get you some warfin cookies.

[Dennis Lukes]

Santa, I have a gift request: can 2020 be the year NORAD finally wises up and uses a Stinger missile to knock a certain sleigh-flying communist out of the sky to his bloody DEATH and ETERNAL DAMNATION?

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by James Hutchins

A 'Lane Bryant' Catalog.

I'll be swinging by the feed store to get you some warfin cookies.

Cookies! Ho ho ho but please don't misread 'warf' for 'warfarin' this time. Rudolf's internal bleeding the last time was so severe that we almost roasted him. Fortunately, he recovered and we stewed Nigel and Rover instead. Btw, does anyone fancy frozen cassowary? We do have a surplus due to recent debacles. Ho.

[Santa Claus]

Originally Posted by Me, explaining what I can and cannot do

Ho, please be reminded that I do not deliver people or abstract concepts ("love", "peace of mind", etc.).

Originally Posted by Dennis the Cute but Overly Enthusiastic Boy Failing to Read the Instructions

Santa, I have a gift request: can 2020 be the year NORAD finally wises up and uses a Stinger missile to knock a certain sleigh-flying communist out of the sky to his bloody DEATH and ETERNAL DAMNATION?

Dennis Darling! Ho to you! "Wising up" is an abstraction and thus excluded from the list of potential gifts. Does it come in genuine plastic? It doesn't and that's why the Pope still lack all charisma and Slovenian top models still marry for money and not for love.

That said, you do deserve some gifts based on what you need. You'll just love this oyster mushroom growing kit in rainbow colors. And if you continue to be nice in 2021, I just might deliver a Blue Oyster one next year! How awesome is that.



And to supplement that fabulous gift, here's something in plastic! Tunnels to insert gerbils and hamsters.



This will give you hours and hours on incomparable FUN! I'm on top of the world this year, aren't I! In fact, I'm there all the time (the North Pole, you know). Ho for now. See you soon!

[James Hutchins]

Originally Posted by Santa Claus

Cookies! Ho ho ho but please don't misread 'warf' for 'warfarin' this time. Rudolf's internal bleeding the last time was so severe that we almost roasted him. Fortunately, he recovered and we stewed Nigel and Rover instead. Btw, does anyone fancy frozen cassowary? We do have a surplus due to recent debacles. Ho.

No need for the winter whites this year.