[Johny Joe Hold]

I've read that Christians suffer from loneliness as much if not more than atheists. Many in Freehold approach me to discuss their personal loneliness and ask if I have a solution.

I've worked in Landover Baptist to develop a program for this problem and am delighted to pass it along. I began planning meetings in the Office of Development to combat loneliness. There are now in place several staff members ready to take phone calls and even make house calls to visit with lonely members.

To attack loneliness in your life, it only takes a phone call. When you join the new program called the "Friendship Tithe" you will be partnered with a new friend from the Development Office. You can choose the level of friendship--the number of calls per week--and tithe accordingly.

Jesus does not want you to be lonely. His favorite church is ready to provide you with a new friend.

[MitzaLizalor]

That is a wonderful opportunity, especially for those who are single. People say, "How can anyone be lonely? Just walk out the door and head to the nearest [disco] [cake shop] [electro-rave] [model railway] [nightclub (some of which are open all day!)] [swimming pool] take your pick." But what happens in those places is either utterly appalling OR a ruse to get money giving little in return, if anything.

Jesus understands that. Can true friendship ever be found in secular dens of iniquity? No. Not even a cheap imitation. Only in Christ can True Friendship ever be found.

“I’ve found a Friend, oh, such a friend!
“He loved me ere I knew Him;
“He drew me with the cords of love,
“And thus He bound me to Him.
“And round my heart still closely twine
“Those ties which naught can sever,
“For I am His, and He is mine,
“Forever and forever.”

[handmaiden]

I bet that atheists are some of the most lonely people on the planet. Once you shut down the little voice of God inside your head, the silence must be deafening.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

I think lonely people need to think more about why they are lonely; what do they offer to the marketplace? What is their product? Buyers are looking for quality and a return on investment. Perhaps lonely people should take classes from experts like Tony Robbins, Ross Jeffries, Roosh V and Addy A-Game about how to get the most desirable personality.

[Unfalsifiable]

As an ex-atheist I can confirm that it's not lonely. When you shut the voice of God off inside your head, the screams of hell are louder than ever, they never leave.


Thank the Lord I came across one of Pastor Zeke's forum posts one cold late night of discount video game playing and store-brand cola drinking. Jesus came back to me that night.

[handmaiden]

Originally Posted by Unfalsifiable

Thank the Lord I came across one of Pastor Zeke's forum posts one cold late night of discount video game playing and store-brand cola drinking. Jesus came back to me that night.

I presume that you can now afford name-brand colas? It's worth it just to thumb one's nose at the Mormons.

[Johny Joe Hold]

One thing I hope to accomplish with the Friendship Tithe is that Landover Baptist is not so high and mighty it will leave the unloved behind. We have a staff of helpful people. Operators are waiting to take your call.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold

One thing I hope to accomplish with the Friendship Tithe is that Landover Baptist is not so high and mighty it will leave the unloved behind. We have a staff of helpful people. Operators are waiting to take your call.

Brother Mayor, perhaps it was a bad connection but the lovely lady I spoke to had a thick Indian accent and tried to sell me a Microsoft upgrade.

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

Brother Mayor, perhaps it was a bad connection but the lovely lady I spoke to had a thick Indian accent and tried to sell me a Microsoft upgrade.

I'm sorry that happened, Dr. Toole. As you know, some back-office work at our huge LBC operation is farmed out to various firms. I asked staff not to farm out Friendship Tithe, but it might have happened briefly. One elderly LBC member said her call reached someone asking for her Medicare number. We can't have that.

Overall, the initiative has been successful. Even in this first month roll out, we have helped enough lonely people to make payroll.

[MitzaLizalor]

Before I set my phone to "no incoming" there had been a number of messages from the Pitcairn Islands. Apparently I have several packages awaiting delivery. Having checked, there appear to be no Baptist churches on the islands. So far I have not replied to these messages as requested, particularly as they seem to have converted from Anglicanism to the 7th Day Adventist heresies of Mrs White in contravention of Revelation 22:18 – a book they seem otherwise rather keen on.

Should I respond to these messages?

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Originally Posted by Johny Joe Hold

I'm sorry that happened, Dr. Toole. As you know, some back-office work at our huge LBC operation is farmed out to various firms. I asked staff not to farm out Friendship Tithe, but it might have happened briefly.

No I mean, she could only go to 10% off but I thought with a discreet word you my be able to adjust that to 50% and the next drink's on me. Ho ho

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

No I mean, she could only go to 10% off but I thought with a discreet word you my be able to adjust that to 50% and the next drink's on me. Ho ho

I need to remind everyone that I am but a volunteer at Landover Baptist. All us who tackle projects like this one do so under the strict eye of Pastor Zeke.

Pastor Zeke is so familiar with God's thinking we dare not go too afar from Pastor's directions. Pastor has said many times God is more pleased with money coming into the Church than money leaving. The term "cash flow" can be heard often in the back offices of LBC. That is why there are limits to deals we can make, even with prominent members.

[Dr. Anthony J. Toole]

Oh goodness, I apologize for this post. I was high on happy juice and overstepped my boundaries. 10% is more than generous, thank you Mr. Mayor.

My advice for lonely people? Don't be fat *very unattractive*. #BeBest #BeBetterEveryday with cultfit: A 100% digital solution for all employee health and wellness needs with comprehensive dashboard and tracking (easy refund policy).

[MitzaLizalor]

Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole

refund policy

How should I interpret §*3 ¶*16*? If I sign up, will the franchiser be entitled to access any device containing such records remotely?

§*3 ¶*25*(blank paragraph) What would this include if I could read it?

§*8 ¶*5a states: "Although you may reasonably expect the intended benefits from the use of the Care.fit Services, no benefits or results can be guaranteed or assured"

I am apprehensive enough not to continue reading. Thank you for offering this opportunity but unfortunately I will not be signing up and can see that lonely persons ought to buy a bicycle that actually moves, or a horse.

[WWJDnow]

When I first left Freehold, Iowa and moved to New York City, I was terribly lonely. (There are very few good Evangelical Christians, and only a couple of Landover True Christians™ in the NYC area.) But I found solace in talking to my very best friend, Jesus. He's always there to listen us and to support and comfort all of us through our trials in life. Jesus loves me (no homo) so much that He died to wash away my sins. So you can imagine how happy He is to help now that helping doesn't involve hours of agony and torture on the Cross. No True Christian™ can ever be lonely because Jesus is right there with us.

Nevertheless, I agree with previous posts that tubbies should get rid of the extra fat. I'm not saying that Jesus won't be there for fat Christians, but do they really want to make the Lord look at their unsightly, bulbous bodies?

[Johny Joe Hold]

Originally Posted by WWJDnow

So you can imagine how happy He is to help now that helping doesn't involve hours of agony and torture on the Cross. No True Christian™ can ever be lonely because Jesus is right there with us.

Thank you for that testimony, Brother Dnow. All of us at Landover Baptist are proud of your victory through Jesus.

Our call line for the lonely is so busy we are taking applications for additional councilors. And, for those of you who are lonely, please give us a call. It helps us if you have your credit card handy.