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Valentine's Day, AKA Treason Season! Where we discuss the evils of this pagan holiday.

 
 
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Arrow Hatchet Hearts - 02-03-2011, 02:55 PM

What is the single greatest threat to American schools? Lack of funding? Ineffectual curricula? Violence? No, no, and no. The answer is candy hearts.



With messages like "You're sweet" and "Be mine" scrawled on their chalky surfaces, candy hearts can incite premarital yearning glances and even hand-holding. The racier messages like "Cutie pie" and "Hug me" can lead to Caligula-type orgies involving enormous bowls of fruit, mandals, laurel wreaths, ostentatious wine goblets, and slave boys.

Now, I will say that these candy hearts get children reading. Given that this generation makes Corky look like Doogie Howser, I guess that counts for something.



(A quick aside--I was not fond of the 90s trend of TV characters having "cute" and "unique" names like Corky, Doogie, Blossom, and Urkel. Guess what? Just because your name is Doogie doesn't make you special. You're just like all of the other kids who graduated Princeton at the age of 10 and finished medical school by 14.)

There is only one way to combat this menace. We need to cancel out the lust and depravity of candy heart messages with Godly words and phrases. Send your child to school equipped with Hatchet Hearts©. Hatchet Hearts© are delightful, heart-shaped candies inscribed with inspirational words and important Bible chapter and verse numbers.




I've even designed some especially for teachers.


Order your Hatchet Hearts© today so that they arrive by the 14th! Order forms can be found in the church office. You'll be doing something good for your child's school and helping to pay the deductible on the prostate surgery I'm having done in March.

Last edited by Felicity; 02-07-2011 at 10:07 AM. Reason: Fixed broken images
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-03-2011, 03:13 PM

Those insipid candy hearts!

Why don't they put Scriptures upon them? Save some of the spawn of all that unSaved trash!


(and quit making them out of borax and asbestos!)


Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-03-2011, 03:21 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Oakland "Reb" Griner View Post
Why don't they put Scriptures upon them?
What a great idea. I'm glad I thought of it.



Try reading the posts to which you are responding. It might prevent you from looking like an ass.

Last edited by Felicity; 02-07-2011 at 09:59 AM. Reason: Fixed broken image.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-03-2011, 03:28 PM

Indeed.


Jud 1:15 To execute judgment upon all, and to convince all that are unGodly among them of all their unGodly deeds which they have unGodly committed, and of all their hard [speeches] which unGodly sinners have spoken against him.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-03-2011, 03:47 PM

@Old Man Hatchet Your hearts are great! Your own heart must be the kindest that Jesus ever made!


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Default Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes! - 02-03-2011, 05:29 PM

What a wonderful idea brother. I think I will take some with me and hurl them at the queers I see in the Mall.
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Default Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes! - 02-03-2011, 05:41 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
What a wonderful idea brother. I think I will take some with me and hurl them at the queers I see in the Mall.
Those are magnificent, Sister! I'd like permission to have your eloquent words inscribed on some Hatchet Hearts© for next year. It's too late this year unfortunately. They're all packaged and ready to go.
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Default Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes! - 02-03-2011, 10:13 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
Those are magnificent, Sister! I'd like permission to have your eloquent words inscribed on some Hatchet Hearts© for next year. It's too late this year unfortunately. They're all packaged and ready to go.

Of course you have my permission.

Here is my order for your GODLY Hatchet Hearts

1 case of "You Make JESUS Puke"

1 Case of "You're a Harlot"

1 Case of "Hate the Sinner and the Sin"

I'll need these in time for Valentine's Day. Can you just bring them with you to Sunday Services?

Thanks.




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Default Re: Candy Hearts? No! Hatchet Hearts? Yes! - 02-03-2011, 11:28 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Mae Johnson View Post
Can you just bring them with you to Sunday Services?

Thanks.
Do I look like a Negro servant who lugs boxes around town? I'll have my wife deliver them to your front door.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-07-2011, 07:35 AM

Brother, all I can see is red Xs where the Hatchet Hearts should be.


Bible boring? Nonsense!
Try Bible in a Year with Brother V, or join Shirlee and the kids as they discuss Real Bible Stories!
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Last edited by Felicity; 02-07-2011 at 10:01 AM. Reason: Removed copy of original posting
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-07-2011, 10:01 AM

@Rev. M. Rodimer It seems a demon ate the pictures, I fixed them now. Thank you for mentioning it!


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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-07-2011, 12:11 PM

Excellent idea brethren. How about some Crucifixion scenes or visions of Hell on the flip side?

Humbly yours, McUinnean.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-07-2011, 02:04 PM



I really like this one. That is, I love to Hate it/Hate to love it.

Just kidding; I really do like it. Sister Thumper's. too
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-07-2011, 09:09 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Felicity View Post
@Rev. M. Rodimer It seems a demon ate the pictures, I fixed them now. Thank you for mentioning it!
Excellent work, young Sister!

Oh, and what Godly messages the hearts share!

How about, "DOGS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN"?


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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-08-2011, 12:29 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. M. Rodimer View Post
Excellent work, young Sister!

Oh, and what Godly messages the hearts share!

How about, "DOGS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN"?
Nooooo!


The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-08-2011, 08:48 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet View Post
What is the single greatest threat to American schools? Lack of funding? Ineffectual curricula? Violence? No, no, and no. The answer is candy hearts.



With messages like "You're sweet" and "Be mine" scrawled on their chalky surfaces, candy hearts can incite premarital yearning glances and even hand-holding. The racier messages like "Cutie pie" and "Hug me" can lead to Caligula-type orgies involving enormous bowls of fruit, mandals, laurel wreaths, ostentatious wine goblets, and slave boys.

Now, I will say that these candy hearts get children reading. Given that this generation makes Corky look like Doogie Howser, I guess that counts for something.



(A quick aside--I was not fond of the 90s trend of TV characters having "cute" and "unique" names like Corky, Doogie, Blossom, and Urkel. Guess what? Just because your name is Doogie doesn't make you special. You're just like all of the other kids who graduated Princeton at the age of 10 and finished medical school by 14.)

There is only one way to combat this menace. We need to cancel out the lust and depravity of candy heart messages with Godly words and phrases. Send your child to school equipped with Hatchet Hearts©. Hatchet Hearts© are delightful, heart-shaped candies inscribed with inspirational words and important Bible chapter and verse numbers.




I've even designed some especially for teachers.


Order your Hatchet Hearts© today so that they arrive by the 14th! Order forms can be found in the church office. You'll be doing something good for your child's school and helping to pay the deductible on the prostate surgery I'm having done in March.
Brother Hatchet, you truly are a brilliant man!
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-08-2011, 02:55 PM


Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-09-2011, 12:40 AM

Brother Hatchet, what a fine idea you have. I detest the ones I already see going around campus. I wish I was here and saw this sooner, then I would've ordered a few boxes. Alas, I cannot, for I just finished purchasing the school materials I need for my new semester, and my first few days have been treacherous, which is why I haven't been on here for awhile.
Back on subject; good idea and hope you can sell plenty and your prostate surgery will be a success.
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-09-2011, 09:18 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by SUV View Post
Now what is this on our Godly board? A "Recovering bastard" - ? Come here looking for a Milk Bone, maybe, and ate up all these craftily Created hearts instead
I am sorry, Princess SUV; anyone who observes me for even a short while quickly understands the wisdom in God's curse against bastards (Deuteronomy 23:1-2).

Although I have not yet passed the BABS Program due to my dull wits and surly disposition, I will endeavor to persevere until I graduate!

I hope and pray to one day be worthy of mowing your lawn, or any other such menial duties you would grant to your humble servant.


The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, even all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men.~Joel 1:12
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Default Re: Hatchet Hearts - 02-11-2012, 08:10 PM

Brother Hatchet, are you bringing boxes of your VD hearts to Church this year?

I have some new ones I've ordered. I hope they get here by tomorrow so I can throw them at all the sinners in the Mall in Leviticus Landing on Tuesday.

I could use a few volunteers from the Congregation who have a good arm.

Lve,

Sister Thumper
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