[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

I just got the latest Republican memo regarding Barack Obama. It has 5 bullet points, the last two being:

• undisciplined messaging carries great risk [Resist the urge to use the N-word]
• His greatest weakness is inexperience. He is not ready to be commander in chief. He is not ready to be president. [Young presidents are bad presidents, just like young people are bad people.]

So, I'll be using the historical record to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the truthfulness of the central theme of the 2008 election.

Young Presidents are Bad Presidents:

President: Age when he took office

Theodore Roosevelt: 42

Teddy Roosevelt, the youngest commander-in-chief of the USA, is also widely regarded as the second worst president. His nickname, "teddy" refers to the fact that he still slept with a teddy bear, even while president.

Roosevelt's many disasters included national parks, which elevate animals to a status above human beings. We all know kids love animals, so voters should have predicted this.

He also introduced antitrust legislation, which paves the way for a command economy by breaking up corporations, and interfered with the right of consumers to buy inexpensive meat, when we all know "food poisoning" is God punishing people for sin.

John F. Kennedy: 43

This inexperienced baby messed up the Cuban missile crisis, squandering a perfect opportunity to nuke the USSR. He also convinced China to pull back from its invasion of India, squandering an opportunity to nuke China. And let's not forget that God showed his disapproval for young presidents by allowing him to be assassinated. It was not the first time.

Bill Clinton: 46

Being young doesn't just mean inexperience: it means hormones. Clinton was a sex-maniac by caucasian standards, but just wait until there's a black molestor-in-chief. Forget Monica's blue dress with white blobs on it: Obama's interns will look like they have white dresses with a blue bit here and there.

Expect foreign relations to be a mess, as our allied heads of state start becoming fathers of brown babies.

And look at the state of the economy today to see what happens when you let an inexperienced kid run the economy. Are you better off than you were 16 years ago?

Barack Obama: 47 (as of January 20th 2009)

Of course the democrats will say "Nuh-uh! He's 47 and a half!" Well, he's still hardly any older than the 3 most disasterous presidencies the USA has had to survive. And the rest of the under-50 club aren't much better:

James A. Garfield: 49

Never heard of him? Maybe that's because he was assassinated by God. Yes, God makes clear what He thinks of young presidents.

James K. Polk: 49

Inexperience in a commander-in-chief means defeats on the battlefield. Polk's legacy is the long, straight border between the US and Canada. A more experienced presidient, like McCain, would have conquered Canada, and probably Britain too.

He also "won" the Mexican-American war, if by "won" you mean "failed to conquer Mexico and treat it as the Bible demands we treat conquered nations".

Conclusion:

I think I've made the Republican Party's point clear. Now all we have to do is keep repeating these points over and over until November.