[Jed_Cassidy]

Those look like some snazzy T-shirts, Brother Larry! Please put my name down for a couple of smalls, please. I'd like to get my Christmas shopping for my family out of the way while I can....not to mention my anniversary with my wife is coming up (I think? ).

By the way, can these t-shirts count towards my monthly tithing to the church?

Thanks!

[Noah Dint]

I will not need one unless masterbation as a child counts. I have not touched myself since as a lad my father got a switch and taught me the difference between when I was wacking myself and when he was wacking my wicked winky with a willow branch. (say that fast five times)

Thank God for True Christian™ parenting! Glory!

-ND

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Originally Posted by Jed_Cassidy

By the way, can these t-shirts count towards my monthly tithing to the church?

Thanks!

No.

Speaking of which, you still owe December's tithing payment. Because of late fees and interest, it stands at $421.58 as of today.

I'd hate to see that '93 F-150 of yours get in an unfortunate accident because God decided to punish you for not tithing to your church. It would be such a pity...

[TheLegitMan]

I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.

[Jed_Cassidy]

Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne

No.

Speaking of which, you still owe December's tithing payment. Because of late fees and interest, it stands at $421.58 as of today.

I'd hate to see that '93 F-150 of yours get in an unfortunate accident because God decided to punish you for not tithing to your church. It would be such a pity...

Oh yes, sorry Reverend, I understand completely. The Christmas season took quite a toll on me (had to buy decorations for the house), but I know that's no excuse for the late payment.

I'll write a check immediately. Do you want me to make it out to the church, or is this one of those special "straight-to-Jesus" tithes you told me about that I should write out directly to you?

Thanks for the reminder Reverend!

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by TheLegitMan

I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.

Would you be so kind as to burn your house down for us? Thank you.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by TheLegitMan

I love masturbating. And it's better than church!! Whenever I missed a day of church even back when I went, I would use the opprotunity to get off in privacy.

Dear Godmocking Queer;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and being sodomized by strangers in public toilets to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.

Matthew 5:10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.
5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

[Muttthepreacher]

I ride with some brothers that struggle with this daily! Exactly how long do you have to quit this Onanistic behavior to be considered an "ex"?

[Larry Lee]

Originally Posted by Muttthepreacher

I ride with some brothers that struggle with this daily! Exactly how long do you have to quit this Onanistic behavior to be considered an "ex"?

Some would say 20 minutes. But in truth, your status as an ex-masturbator is between you and your God, who watches your every move.

[Rev Buddy]

I had a shirt similar to that made for myself a few years back after I started my "Touch Jesus, Not Yourself" program at my Church. It went over very well.

[Cranky Old Man]

Originally Posted by RevBuddy

I had a shirt similar to that made for myself a few years back after I started my "Touch Jesus, Not Yourself" program at my Church. It went over very well.

How exactly did these kids "touch Jesus"? You have some weird methods my friend. Why not stay with the proven method from the Holy Bible? They workd fine for my kids and my grand kids and we all love each other almost as much as we love Jesus.

Proverbs 13:24 "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes."

Proverbs 23:13-14 "Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell."

[False Christian Bigot]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Having never committed the sin of Onan even once in my life, I will not be needing any of those shirts.

Lord knows I've had the chance, but I've never been tempted to engage in such a revolting, unnatural act.

Especially when Jesus is watching.

Why do you have an "Ex-Masturbator" badge up above your post, then? Did you decide to give them all to yourself in some sort of power trip?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Loving Christian

Why do you have an "Ex-Masturbator" badge up above your post, then? Did you decide to give them all to yourself in some sort of power trip?

In my case, it's an honorary title.

[Brother Temperance]

As the good Pastor says, it's an honorary title referring to the fact that, while he himself has never committed the act of self-pollution, over three dozen people have done filthy things to themselves while thinking about him (thus making him an accessory to masturbation), and then given up and found Jesus. So although he's never touched himself, he is a relevant factor in the cases of nearly 40 ex-masturbators. I think we can all agree he deserves that award.

[Larry Lee]

Originally Posted by Brother Temperance

As the good Pastor says, it's an honorary title referring to the fact that, while he himself has never committed the act of self-pollution, over three dozen people have done filthy things to themselves while thinking about him (thus making him an accessory to masturbation), and then given up and found Jesus. So although he's never touched himself, he is a relevant factor in the cases of nearly 40 ex-masturbators. I think we can all agree he deserves that award.

All of those who have accessorized their Onanism with mental imagery involving our beloved Pastor Zeke need to apologize to him by PM. They should ask Pastor how they can ever hope to compensate him for the shame of his second-hand participation in their sin.

[amie-81]

Originally Posted by BibleThumpinBlonde

I don't believe those negroes and their T-Shirts. I think they are lying. They still look like savage beasts from the jungle.

are you calling some of God's works- beasts? are you saying black people are not worthy of respect and being treated equal- like one of God's own children?

[amie-81]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

Dear Godmocking Queer;

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule of worshiping satan and being sodomized by strangers in public toilets to post this hateful message. The Holy Bible tells us that we are actually Blessed by your persecution! Thanks for proving that we're right.



Enjoy hell. I know that Jesus and I can't wait to watch you burn in hell for all eternity. Oh, how we'll laugh at you as you scream in agony! Shout Glory!!

YIC,

--Pastor Ezekiel

funny...I thought Jesus said it would be His will that not one would perish....I thought HE would love for all of us to make it to heaven? (I know it won't happen but I do not think he would find JOY in seeing someone go to hell.) Do you really think he does?!

[Nobar King]

You can look, but are you going to buy a shirt, or not?

[TrueJuggaloMaMa]

Originally Posted by amie-81

are you calling some of God's works- beasts? are you saying black people are not worthy of respect and being treated equal- like one of God's own children?

Yes they are. They say black people were put on this earth to be our slave.

They believe unless you are just like them you are going to hell.

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by TrueJuggaloMaMa

Yes they are. They say black people were put on this earth to be our slave.

They believe unless you are just like them you are going to hell.

And your issue with that is what exactly?

We follow the Holy Word of God. If you don't like that, take it up with Him!