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Reload this Page Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine
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Elmer G. White's Avatar
Elmer G. White Elmer G. White is offline
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Cake Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-23-2017, 07:18 PM
Dear Brother! May you have the best of birthdays in chaste and sober celebration of the immanent Birthday of our Savior!



Revelation 2:19
I know thy works, and charity, and service, and faith, and thy patience, and thy works; and the last to be more than the first.


Yours in Christ,

Elmer

2 Kings 18:25 - Am I now come up without the LORD against this place to destroy it? The LORD said to me, Go up against this land, and destroy it.



PREPARE YOURSELF TO RAPTURE WITH THIS MANUAL!
Check out our Research in Creation Science:
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-23-2017, 08:09 PM
A most Blessed Birthday to you, my Brother in Christ!

Hello, my name is Mary. I hope to fellowship with you! That is, unless you don't listen to church authority (Deuteronomy 17:12); are a witch (Exodus 22:17); are a homosexual (Leviticus 20:13; Romans 1:24-32); or fortuneteller (Leviticus 20:27) or a snotty kid who hits their dad (Exodus 21:15); or curses their parents (Proverbs 20:20; Leviticus 20:9); an adulterer (Leviticus 20:10); a non-Christian (Exodus 22:19; Deuteronomy 13:7-12; Deuteronomy 17:2-5;Romans 1:24-32); an atheist (2 Chronicles 15:12-13); or false prophet (Zechariah 13:3); from the town of one who worships another, false god (Deuteronomy 13:13-19); were a non-virgin bride (Deuteronomy 22:20-21); or blasphemer (Leviticus 24:10-16), as God calls for your execution and will no doubt send you to Hell, and I have no interest developing a friendship with the Spiritually Walking Dead.

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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-23-2017, 08:16 PM
Happy Birthday, beloved Brother!

Here is a Faith cake for you:




God created fossils to test our faith.

* * *

My favorite LBC sermons:
True Christians are Perfect!
True Christian™ Love.
Salvation™ made Easy!
You can’t be a Christian if you don’t believe the Old Testament.
Jesus is impolite. Deal with it.
Jesus is xenophobic and so should we.
 Sanctity of Life is NOT a Biblical Concept.
Biblical view on modern-day slavery.
The Immorality of the "Universal Declaration of Human Rights."
Geneva Conventions vs. The Holy Bible.
God HATES Rational Thinking!
True Christian™ Man as a spitting image of God.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-23-2017, 08:19 PM
Dear Brother in Christ,

It is rather unfortunate that your parents chose to engage in reproductive activity back in March or April of the particular year of your birth, long ago.


Being born this close to Our Savior's Birth makes you look like an attention hog, trying to steal focus from Baby Jesus.


Furthermore, your conceptuary day may have occurred close to the date on which we acknowledge the terrible suffering of Our Savior on the Cross before His temporary death. It is sad that your parents would have taken time out from their duties to pray and feel guilty and grateful for The Lord's Ordeal for the purpose of begetting--which under other circumstances, is a divine mandate.


All in all, both you, and your parents have a lot to answer for.

His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.

Guns For God and the Economy
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-23-2017, 11:23 PM
Happy Birthday Brother. You're a machine that just keeps on turning!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-24-2017, 05:10 AM
Ho! Faith my babe. It must be tough to have your birthday s close to my shift! Because of that I have this nice book for you!



If it is a bit too complicated, I am sure that one of your little friends can help you and read it aloud Ho! Merry Christmas, Faith my boy.

Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-24-2017, 05:15 AM
Faith Machine, Where were you yesterday!? The Flint Mansion needs to have its plumbing and the septic tank fixed pronto. Donnie is gonna visit and I don't want to have the platinum t-bowls flooding when he does his business. OK, congrats and covfefe and you are allowed to donate some extra birthday tithes this year.

Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-24-2017, 11:57 AM
The trials and tribulations, the sorrows, the grief, the depression and disappointment, the annoying and irritating, the pains, anguish and stress, the abominations, insults and injuries, the injustices and missed opportunities, the inadequacies, failures, and failings, the restrictions, demands, and commandments, and poverty and desperation are necessary on our Christian earthly journey to death and thus eternal life, otherwise how would you know when to be happy?

Today may not be happy, and it is pointless for me to wish you something that God may have planned in a different way.

Suffice it to say that I acknowledge that this is the anniversary of the agonies you caused your mother.




“We must reassert that the essence of Christianity is the love of obedience to God’s Laws and that how that complete obedience is used or implemented does not concern us.”

Author of such illuminating essays as,
Map of the Known World; Periodic Table of Elements; The History of Linguistics; The Errors of Wicca; Dolphins and Evolution; The History of Landover (The Apology); Landover and the Civil War; 2000 Racial Slurs.
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Jesus Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-24-2017, 06:33 PM
Brother FM, I would of bought you a present but I've spent my excess funds already on a new inflatable nativity scene.
FYI, there is a reason I've set my birthdate to June
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Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-25-2017, 08:57 AM
Friends, I am very sorry you did not hear from me on my special day. I was too ashamed to show my face, as I had received some birthday money from my uncle, and I went out on the town, and...

Well, there was this place, you see. A...


A gentleman's club, for lack of a better word.


I can't bring myself to say more.

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Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.Didymus Much is a sinner who has rejected Christ and tithing to Landover and is on the fast bus to Aeternal Damnation.
Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-25-2017, 09:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
...A gentleman's club, for lack of a better word.

I can't bring myself to say more.
What? Alcohol and a bit of titillation?

Some *gasp* sex between consenting adults, perhaps? ...hopefully? you seem a bit tense recently...

Big whoop. Slowing down in your old age?

Hope you had a good day.

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Pumpkin pie Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-25-2017, 12:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Faith_Machine View Post
Friends, I am very sorry you did not hear from me on my special day. I was too ashamed to show my face, as I had received some birthday money from my uncle, and I went out on the town, and...

Well, there was this place, you see. A...


A gentleman's club, for lack of a better word.


I can't bring myself to say more.
I understand. You spent the day at a Church outside of the LBC Network of Pastorial Love.
I trust you felt the Touch Of Jesus© in that special place.

Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-25-2017, 05:51 PM
I spent all my money on lap dances in Des Moines, and I can't live with myself.

I am sorry for ruining everybody's Christmas.

Googling chemical castration techniques right now

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Default Re: Happy Birthday, Brother Faith Machine - 12-26-2017, 12:31 AM
I am garbage, a worthless sinner who paid women to squirm and grind in my lap because I have no self-control.

I ruined Christmas and I apologize.

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