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Smile How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-07-2012, 07:37 PM

Obviously the only way the Republican Party can continue to exist is to become the Republicanistas. This thread is for brainstorming ways to go about this.

First of all, let's stress the places where we agree with Catholics. That rules out everything except for abortion and gays, which is convenient, because most Protestants already don't talk about anything else.

2. Operation Malvinas Liberation. (The Malvinas are also known as the Falkland Islands - by their redcoat oppressors!) I know the British won't like it, but how many votes do they have in Florida?

3. "Evita" is now a must-watch for all Republicanistas. I know Madonna is a harlot and a jew, but just try to imagine Sarah Palin in her place. Along with the Peronistas, it's also worth studying Agusta Pinochet, Rafael Trujillo, and Anastastio Somoza.

4. They like miracles. If someone had found Mitt Romney's face in a nacho we would have won in a landslide. It will be expensive to check every nacho ever baked, but we spent several billion dollars on ads this election alone, so I think we can afford it if we use illegal immigrants and/or prison labor.

5. Our candidate in 2016 should be a General with a huge amount of medals. I don't know why, but Latin Americans sure love their bling-covered Generalissimos. Just look at them:

Wimpy little bits of facial hair are popular for some reason.
Franco. I know Spain isn't actually part of Mexico, but the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree. Same wimpy mustache.
Batista, Of Cuba. Does Jeb Bush ever dress up like this? he should.
Somoza, of Nicaragua. Here's a good slogan: "Omaba wants to turn Nicaragua into ni99eragua!"
Not much bling on Panama's Noriega. No wonder he didn't last long.
Shiny sunglasses are big too, at least for bodyguards.
THIS. We need THIS.

Who else has ideas?
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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 07:41 PM

Maybe we could get another conservative to dress in blackface. Hell, it almost worked with Herman Cain.

And no more Mormons. Not only does God not listen to their prayers, but they're all way too uptight because their magic underwear doesn't leave their privates any room to move around.


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 07:53 PM

What do those people even like? We know they like chimichangas, alcohol, low riders, wife beater t-shirts and hair nets. How can we use this to our advantage?


Christians are superior because we possess an understanding that unbelievers lack. It is through the Power of Jesus only the converted mind is able to understand what is going on in the world; what the Communists are really up to; what Satan's intentions are. Most unbelievers do not even believe in Satan and cannot understand his tactics.



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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 09:00 PM

One thing Mexicans love is bright colors. Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that we be gay, but if we had some brightly colored ponchos or sombreros at our next convention, it might help us win the taco vote.

Mitt Romney surely swayed a good number of them when he spray-tanned his face to appear on Spanish TV.




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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 10:09 PM

Likability is irrelevant. We need a president who will follow the Bible. A president who will deport everyone who voted for the wrong person. A president who implements Biblical law and kills all the gays and disobedient children, as commanded by God in Leviticus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 21:18-21. A president who will use our nukes for which they were intended, for killing all unbelievers on the planet as commanded by God in 2nd Chronicles 15:13.

We need Sarah Palin.


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 10:27 PM

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Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Likability is irrelevant. We need a president who will follow the Bible. A president who will deport everyone who voted for the wrong person. A president who implements Biblical law and kills all the gays and disobedient children, as commanded by God in Leviticus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 21:18-21. A president who will use our nukes for which they were intended, for killing all unbelievers on the planet as commanded by God in 2nd Chronicles 15:13.

We need Sarah Palin.
I absolutely agree, Brother Cranky.

But we can't forget that no candidate will be able to get in without the taco vote, so we have to appeal to the Mexicans first, and then throw them out after we're back in the Oval Office.



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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 10:31 PM

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Originally Posted by Cranky Old Man View Post
Likability is irrelevant. We need a president who will follow the Bible. A president who will deport everyone who voted for the wrong person. A president who implements Biblical law and kills all the gays and disobedient children, as commanded by God in Leviticus 20:13 and Deuteronomy 21:18-21. A president who will use our nukes for which they were intended, for killing all unbelievers on the planet as commanded by God in 2nd Chronicles 15:13.

We need Sarah Palin.
What about Rick Perry?

I don't trust a woman for that job


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-07-2012, 10:31 PM

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Originally Posted by Bob4God View Post
so we have to appeal to the Mexicans first
Mexicans are slow. Solving this "Mexican vote problem" would be a matter hunting of them down. Even a retard in a wheelchair could do that. How do these Mexicans with their silly child language even figure out how to vote? We should have told them "Romney" means "give me a handouts".

By the way those new powder loaded bullets you sold me work extremely well! I love how they explode right after they enter the animal I shoot with them.


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-08-2012, 12:35 PM

Swarthy people are big on rape, both giving and receiving. Maybe it's because the bruises aren't very visible or something. So instead of hunting down binders full of women voters, let's go for the rapist vote:

"First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare [...] If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." -Todd Akin, R-Missouri

The Biblical definition of "Legitimate rape": Deut 22:23-24.

"The only exception I have to have an abortion is in that case of the life of the mother...I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize that life is that gift from God and I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape that it is something God intended to happen." -Richard Mourdock, R-Indiana

Let's think of bumper stickers:

God wanted you to be raped.
God raped you.
Most people would be honoured to be raped by God


In the Bible God sends rapists as a form of punishment: 2 Samuel 12:11-14, Zechariah 14:1-2
God also uses rape as a reward for military service. The fact that democrats disagree with these laws is proof they hate the military: Deuteronomy 21:10-14, Deuteronomy 20:10-14

Now, I know the word "rape" is a bit polarizing, so to soft-sell it we need a new term:

"I’m very proud of my pro-life record...I’ve always adopted the idea, the position, that the method of conception doesn’t change the definition of life." - Paul Ryan, the TRUE Vice President

Bumper stickers:

Any method of conception is fine with God
God wants more conceptions, by any method
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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-08-2012, 02:19 PM

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"I’m very proud of my pro-life record...I’ve always adopted the idea, the position, that the method of conception doesn’t change the definition of life." - Paul Ryan, the TRUE Vice President
I love Paul Ryan, the only charismatic guy running this year, but I have to say that I'm very skeptical that test-tube babies have souls. When exactly in the process does God place the soul in the baby? It's just a bad business all around.

I really hate it when people accuse us Republicans of racism? We support our Mexican brothers and sisters, provided they work for a living instead of coming to America to live off welfare:



We just hope they'll eventually leave the Catholic church and become True Christians™, which is the first step on the path to being deported without the use of violence.


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-08-2012, 03:14 PM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Maybe we could get another conservative to dress in blackface. Hell, it almost worked with Herman Cain.

And no more Mormons. Not only does God not listen to their prayers, but they're all way too uptight because their magic underwear doesn't leave their privates any room to move around.
I'd hire Adi Amin as a surrogate. Now THAT was a chest full of medals. We'd need a really top notch catchphrase..

LONG LIVE REAGAN, or to entice the Mexicans, VIVA REAGAN??


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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-08-2012, 03:25 PM

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Originally Posted by Carl the wop View Post
I'd hire Adi Amin as a surrogate. Now THAT was a chest full of medals.
I did a google image search and AHA! Here is how Obama won the Mexican vote:

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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-08-2012, 03:29 PM

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Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond View Post
I did a google image search and AHA! Here is how Obama won the Mexican vote:

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Default Re: How to reinvent the Republican Party as the Republicanistas? - 11-15-2012, 01:35 AM

Rush Limbaugh has a question:



My answer is yes. Remember, Mexicans are so stupid, greedy, and unpatriotic that they'll vote for an Kenyan-born islamoatheist despot in return for the few extra food stamps that can still be printed before the government goes bankrupt.

Let the hispandering begin!
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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-15-2012, 03:31 AM

Newt Gringrich says that we did worse among the asians than we did amoung the hispanics. You have to wonder if the Chinese helped Obama get reelected.
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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-27-2012, 01:27 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rev. Jamar D. Dodson View Post
Newt Gringrich says that we did worse among the asians than we did amoung the hispanics.
Only because they're from the wrong parts of Asia. Based on my own personal experiences there are entire districts of Bangkok that owe their livelihoods to Republican job-creators, and the females in particular are willing to do anything for us.

Anyway, let's not get distracted: we need to stay focused on creating the ultimate hispandering machine, the Republicanista Party. For this purpose, I propose a new SuperPAC, with I will be calling (drumroll please)

THE SPRAYTAN REPUBLICANS

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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-28-2012, 02:51 AM

some of the comments ive been reading from this and other post sound very racist if u are really christian ppl u shuldnt b talking like that. i have Jesus Christ in my heart and im a mexican as some of u say. we are all Gods children but i also know that some ppl dont wanna b bc they dont believe in him .so instead of saying that all mexicans voted for obama thats not true bc i didnt so dont generalize I voted for whoever was anti abortion anti gay marriages bc i wont condone what God condemns
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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-28-2012, 03:29 AM

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Originally Posted by lovelylatina View Post
some of the comments ive been reading from this and other post sound very racist if u are really christian ppl u shuldnt b talking like that. i have Jesus Christ in my heart and im a mexican as some of u say. we are all Gods children but i also know that some ppl dont wanna b bc they dont believe in him .so instead of saying that all mexicans voted for obama thats not true bc i didnt so dont generalize I voted for whoever was anti abortion anti gay marriages bc i wont condone what God condemns
If you believe you see racism of any kind on this Godliest of websites, please report it to a Pastor IMMEDIATELY. We have a zero tolerance policy for racism here at Landover Baptist.

In the meantime, please introduce yourself like a proper young lady by making your way over to the introduction section and following the instructions there. I don't know how you people do it South of the border, but here in the developed world we like to know who we are talking to.


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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-28-2012, 03:51 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelylatina View Post
some of the comments ive been reading from this and other post sound very racist if u are really christian ppl u shuldnt b talking like that. i have Jesus Christ in my heart and im a mexican as some of u say. we are all Gods children but i also know that some ppl dont wanna b bc they dont believe in him .so instead of saying that all mexicans voted for obama thats not true bc i didnt so dont generalize I voted for whoever was anti abortion anti gay marriages bc i wont condone what God condemns
Please make a thread of your own in the "Introductions" section of the forum, so that we can properly greet you. Tell us about yourself, your church, and how you came to find Jesus.

And if you're here to flame us, better take a look at THIS before making an even bigger ass out of yourself.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

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Default Re: How to out-Hispander the democrats: introducing the Republicanistas - 11-28-2012, 05:35 AM

There's really only 3 things hispanics are good at.

1. Cleaning hotel rooms
2. Taking naps
3. Praying to Mary

We need to find some way to put these skills to good use. I suggest rounding up every Creation Scientist we can find to establish a formula to somehow use these abilities to generate more Republican votes.
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