[Old Man Hatchet]

I am terrified and outraged. After impeccable research involving hearsay and half-baked rumors, I have discovered a dangerous new craze sweeping our nation: pumpkin @!%#ing. It entails carving an enticing, O-shaped mouth on a pumpkin and then sticking one's tallywacker in the pseudo-mouth for self-gratification. Only under the Obama administration could something like this happen.



Obviously it takes a special kind of sicko to do something so abhorrent, and while I am always concerned about what other people do in the privacy of their own homes, this time I'm more concerned about a very real threat: half-human, half-pumpkin monsters. Depositing semen in a pumpkin could result in a nightmarish hybrid race.



What the nightmarish hybrid race might look like.


Now, I don't know much about genetics or hybridization. I do know that two distinct things can be made into a single, hideous entity, as is the case with ligers, brunch, and sporks. Sometimes the result is pure evil, as evidenced by TomKat.



This is our darkest hour, friends. I am petitioning everybody in Freehold to do their part to prevent these creatures from killing and/or enslaving mankind. We need to get these pumpkin @!%#ers behind bars where they can't commit their despicable deed. The police can set up checkpoints along all main roads to examine tallywackers for pulp and seeds. Civilians can spy on neighbors more than usual. And anyone that sees a half-human, half-pumpkin abomination should kill it on sight.



Another possibility of how these horrific, bloodthirsty freaks of nature might appear.

[Old Man Hatchet]

For the time being, let's call these things "humpkins," which is a portmanteau of "human" and "pumpkin," as well as "hump" and "pumpkin." I'm not married to "humpkins" though. I suggest we hold a fun contest to name these unholy monsters that wish to destroy all of mankind. Perhaps Sister BTB could offer her legendary pie to the winner.

[Bobby-Joe]

Sweet Jesus, who carved that pumpking Doris Day???

I have never seen such a disgusting thing in my life. Perhaps this Octobers book burning become a pumpkin burning. I mean I know the unsaved abused gords and cucumbers, but pumkins.

[James Dewitt]

Oh the humanity, Sweet Jesus, the humanity of it!

[Benedict A. Davis]

WOMEN AND CHILDREN STOP HERE, GRAPHIC PICTURES INCLUDED!!!!
Things might be worse than you thought with these pumped-kins as they seem to be spreading and some are running free, unfortunately these deviants seem to be congregating in children's play areas. My question is are these abominations considered human or is it open season on theses freaks of nature?

[WilliamJenningsBryan]

I'm reminded that the Bible (KJV1611) has specific instructions regarding the spilling of seed, and many of us are keenly aware that seed is only meant for making soldiers for Christ. Once again Brother Hatchet, your deep insight leads us to new enlightenment as to the dangers of Onanism and the other possible perils that await us if we ignore the Bible (KJV1611). The Bible (KJV1611) once more is proven to be a truly prescient Holy Book.

Our Christian country was treated to 8 years of depravity and massive seed spilling tales during the Clinton administration and the warnings of the Bible (KJV1611) have only recently come to light on the Drudge Report during the past week. Seed does not just fall on the ground, but can find its way into all kinds of places with unforeseen consequences.

Take for example this photograph of a demon uncovered by the investigative efforts of Drudge.



I'm certain that extensive efforts were undertaken to sterilize the White House when Godly George W. Bush took office, no doubt high pressure bleach and steam cleaning of every nook and cranny took place at tremendous cost to tax payers.

[Shela Tansper]

This was discovered by the side of the road, and it looks someone has had their way with it and by it's reaction i would say by force.

[Rebuko the Clown]

Look, wake up America! If you want a reason to not celebrate Halloween, here you go! It's no coincidence that national celebration of Satan's birthday has increased over the years, and now people are having sexual relations with members of the plant kingdom. This is beyond homosexuality, this is beyond mere bestiality. Trick or Treating is telling our kids that it's okay to stick their privates in Jack o' Lanterns. In fact, why do you think they call them "JACK O' LANTERNS"? Because they are for "jacking off", pardon my French.

"Humpking" is going to take the world by storm. Celebrities will march in the streets and try to pass legislation to legalize human-pumpkin coitus. Pretty soon people will be marrying their pumpkins. All thanks to those disgusting pigs who fight for gay marriage. See, you legalize gay marriage and you open up the floodgates for EVERY sick perversion imaginable!

[Benedict A. Davis]

Originally Posted by Shela Tansper

This was discovered by the side of the road, and it looks someone has had their way with it and by it's reaction i would say by force.

This is truly god mocking, spilling his seed onto the ground!

Genesis 38:9

Viewing the 1611 King James Version. Click to switch to 1769 King James Version of Genesis 38:9

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to passe when hee went in vnto his brothers wife, that hee spilled it on the ground, least that hee should giue seed to his brother.

[Wide-Open]

Thanks for the warning, Brother OMH. This is truly disgusting!

I guess they don't really understand Gen 35:11...

Genesis 35:11
And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

For the time being, let's call these things "humpkins"

I like that name, although I'd also like to put forward "pumphumps" or "pumphumpers".

[Old Man Hatchet]

Originally Posted by Benedict A. Davis

Things might be worse than you thought with these pumped-kins [. . .]

"Pumped-kins" has a nice ring to it.

Brother Byron phoned me and suggested "jack-o-heads." Brother Wide-Open is partial to "pumphumps" or "pumphumpers." I'd also like to suggest "whack-o-lantens." Come on, people. We have a contest going here. Let's hear your submissions. Sister BTB's pie is just waiting to be eaten.

Also, don't forget to carry a gun with you at all times. Above all, remain paranoid and jumpy.

[Sister Charli]

No one would want to defile this pumpkin

[Old Man Hatchet]

My hands are trembling as I type this. I have found irrefutable proof of pumpkin @!%#ing.

WARNING: The disturbing video below shows a young man repeatedly thrusting his tallywacker deep into a pumpkin while his friend cheers him on.

I am sick to my stomach, friends. These are grim days, indeed.

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

Kind of looks like O'Bomber himself when he is proclaiming that he is not a mudslum.

Vile

[Brother Temperance]

With the ongoing secular war against Christian holidays, I wonder what sick pastime will be next?
Turkey Stuffing?

Perverted mating between Obama and that pagan demon, the Easter Bunny?

Are there no depths of depravity to which the left will not stop?

[Old Man Hatchet]

More disturbing video: Man Caught Having Sex With Pumpkin. The filth begins about 25 seconds in.

I am certain God will create a vicious new STD--gourdorrhea perhaps--for these @!%#ing pumpkin @!%#ers.

[James Dewitt]

It seems that this humping pumpkins is all over. Below a mass gathering of them, and a child born from pumpkin humping!

[handmaiden]

May I bring up a possibly related concern?

Who has not seen the children's holiday special, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"? There are some who interpret this cartoon to be Charles Schultz's attempt to insert a gentle (as in fluffy bunny) Christian message of faith into secular society.

Now, it can be seen for what it truly is-- an idolarous slur against the true story about the death and resurrection of the one, True Saviour.

As for the evil of congress with pumpkins, (no doubt Congress will be declaring a congress with pumpkin day in the near future) it seems as this has been the long term goal of Charlie Brown and Company from the start.

What fools we have been by allowing those disgusting little children to dance joyously before us on the television!

I will begin mapping out a route to Charles Schultz's birthplace soon. I say the cleansing fires should begin there.

"Great Pumpkin", indeed. The Antichrist, more like it.


Outragedly Yours,

Handmaiden

[Benedict A. Davis]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

More disturbing video: Man Caught Having Sex With Pumpkin. The filth begins about 25 seconds in.

I am certain God will create a vicious new STD--gourdorrhea perhaps--for these @!%#ing pumpkin @!%#ers.

I don't care what anybody says but as far as I am concerned a Rape is a Rape and the man in that video should be treated accordingly! He should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law and he should be placed on a sexual offenders list as all sexual deviants should. A pumpkin pumper once a pumpkin pumper forever.

[Rev. M. Rodimer]

Originally Posted by Old Man Hatchet

For the time being, let's call these things "humpkins," which is a portmanteau of "human" and "pumpkin," as well as "hump" and "pumpkin." I'm not married to "humpkins" though.

Of course not, Brother! You can't get married to a "humpkin" until at least 6 or 8 months after Obama forces gay "marriage" down our throats.

As for the contest, while Sister BTB's pie is truly a delight, wouldn't a full meal with perhaps a serving of Pastor Ezekiel's fine beef and potatoes be a better reward? I hear he has some meaty T-bones tucked away somewhere, and russets that make an Irishman drool . . .