[Brother V]

Judges 13-15

We now get to start reading about possibly the most famous judge in the book of Judges; SAMSON.

Today we get:

• The birth of Samson
• The lion
• The jawbone

Judges 13

1 And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD delivered them into the hand of the Philistines forty years.

After reading this far into the Bible (KJV1611) you wonder how people could be angry about the jewish holocaust. It's obvious that every time that the jews turn their collective backs on God, that he delivers them into the hands of their enemies. It's obvious that in the late 30's and early 40's that they were handed over to the Germans as punishment for following other gods.

2 And there was a certain man of Zorah, of the family of the Danites, whose name was Manoah; and his wife was barren, and bare not.

I wonder if she was his hot cousin?

3 And the angel of the LORD appeared unto the woman, and said unto her, Behold now, thou art barren, and bearest not: but thou shalt conceive, and bear a son.

And thou shalt call his name Jesus... oh wait, that's in the new testament.

The angel tells her to not have any alcohol, or eat anything that is unclean.

5 For, lo, thou shalt conceive, and bear a son; and no razor shall come on his head: for the child shall be a Nazarite unto God from the womb: and he shall begin to deliver Israel out of the hand of the Philistines.

Remember, we covered rules for Nazarites back in
Day 40

So she tells her husband.

8 Then Manoah intreated the LORD, and said, O my Lord, let the man of God which thou didst send come again unto us, and teach us what we shall do unto the child that shall be born.

No wonder she was barren, he doesn't know how to go in unto his wife.

9 And God hearkened to the voice of Manoah; and the angel of God came again unto the woman as she sat in the field: but Manoah her husband was not with her.

So she went and got him.

They then ask the angel what to do, he reminds her that, Women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. I don't think he told them that consumption of alcoholic beverages impairs your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause health problems.

They then offer the angel some food and a burnt sacrifice.

16 And the angel of the LORD said unto Manoah, Though thou detain me, I will not eat of thy bread: and if thou wilt offer a burnt offering, thou must offer it unto the LORD. For Manoah knew not that he was an angel of the LORD.

Don't offer to the messenger.

19 So Manoah took a kid with a meat offering, and offered it upon a rock unto the LORD: and the angel did wonderously; and Manoah and his wife looked on.

20 For it came to pass, when the flame went up toward heaven from off the altar, that the angel of the LORD ascended in the flame of the altar. And Manoah and his wife looked on it, and fell on their faces to the ground.

To get rid of an angel, just make a burnt sacrifice and he'll ascend in the flame.

24 And the woman bare a son, and called his name Samson: and the child grew, and the LORD blessed him.

Judges 14

1 And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines.

Damn, hot philistines!

2 And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said, I have seen a woman in Timnath of the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife.

Oddly, he didn't say he wanted to go in unto her, it seems that's the custom.

3 Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the uncircumcised Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well.

Come on dad, you got me crap for christmas last year, all i want is that hottie... you never give me anything nice, and now you want me to take one of the ugly hebrew chicks... damnit, go get her for me!

4 But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Israel.

Oh, so God wanted Samson to have her, so that something interesting could happen.

5 Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young lion roared against him.

Lions in Israel?

The Asiatic Lion used to roam that area, currently, there are only about 360 of them remaining. Samson probably helped put them on the endangered species list about 3000 years ago.

6 And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he rent him as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

The Power Team has nothing on Samson. Tearing up a phone book is child's play compared to ripping a lion in half.

Samson continued with his trip to go meet his future wife, but he didn't tell her about the lion.

8 And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcase of the lion: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcase of the lion.

9 And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

So this brawny guy was just walking, eating honey.

They start the wedding feast.

11 And it came to pass, when they saw him, that they brought thirty companions to be with him.

30 best men at the wedding, they were all Philistines.

12 And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty sheets and thirty change of garments:

13 But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty sheets and thirty change of garments. And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it.

Ohhh, a riddle, If you get it right, Samson will give them 30 new sets of clothes. If not, they have to give it to him.

14 And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle.

Uhhh, how would anyone get that?

15 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and thy father's house with fire: have ye called us to take that we have? is it not so?

Jeez, if she didn't tell them the answer, they were gonna burn her and all her family. All this for a measly set of clothes.

16 And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the children of my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee?

17 And she wept before him the seven days, while their feast lasted: and it came to pass on the seventh day, that he told her, because she lay sore upon him: and she told the riddle to the children of her people.

If you don't tell me, you don't love me... waaaaah. Finally Samson got tired of her nagging and he told her.

18 And the men of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? And what is stronger than a lion? and he said unto them, If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle.

Samson like to talk in riddles. Plowed with my heifer... hehe. But see, again, women are cattle.

19 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty men of them, and took their spoil, and gave change of garments unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house.

So what does Samson do? He goes and kills thirty people, and takes their stuff and gives it to the groomsmen.

20 But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend.

Samson's future father-in-law, gave the girl to the guy who was supposed to be the best man. Probably not a good idea, as he seems to have a short temper (roid rage?) and has already killed a lion and 30 guys.

Judges 15

1 But it came to pass within a while after, in the time of wheat harvest, that Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. But her father would not suffer him to go in.

Ah, finally, around harvest, he wants to go in to his wife.

2 And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion: is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her.

Take the even HOTTER younger sister.

I believe this next part is one of Brother Temperance's favorite parts of the bible.

Samson was pissed!!! So...

4 And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails.

5 And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines, and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives.

Three hundred burning foxes running through the philistine fields, burning everything.

6 Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son in law of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire.

Turns out they got burned anyway.

7 And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease.

8 And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter: and he went down and dwelt in the top of the rock Etam.

Not exactly sure what a hip and thigh slaughter is, but the way Samson behaves, it's probably not a good way to die.

So then the philistines want to capture Samson. They talk to some joos, who then go up to Samson.

11 Then three thousand men of Judah went to the top of the rock Etam, and said to Samson, Knowest thou not that the Philistines are rulers over us? what is this that thou hast done unto us? And he said unto them, As they did unto me, so have I done unto them.

They burned me, I burned them.

12 And they said unto him, We are come down to bind thee, that we may deliver thee into the hand of the Philistines. And Samson said unto them, Swear unto me, that ye will not fall upon me yourselves.

13 And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock.

See, the joos know, even then, that when they turn someone over, and they don't do the killing, that it's a bad thing. However they are to chicken to do it themselves.

14 And when he came unto Lehi, the Philistines shouted against him: and the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and the cords that were upon his arms became as flax that was burnt with fire, and his bands loosed from off his hands.

YARRRGH!!!! Don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

15 And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith.

16 And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.

Was Jacob there? Oh, a different ass.

So he killed 1000 men with a donkey's jawbone. AWESOME!!! PRAISE JESUS!!!

20 And he judged Israel in the days of the Philistines twenty years.

Twenty years of the rule of a guy who has so far killed 1030 people, a lion, and probably 300 screaming burning foxes.

So what have we learned today?

1. Samson was a killing machine.
2. Samson liked riddles, if you got it right, you probably cheated.
3. Samson exacted his revenge (justice) IMMEDIATELY!

YIC
V

[Brother Temperance]

Originally Posted by Brother V

I believe this next part is one of Brother Temperance's favorite parts of the bible.

Samson was pissed!!! So...

4 And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails.

5 And when he had set the brands on fire, he let them go into the standing corn of the Philistines, and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards and olives.

Three hundred burning foxes running through the philistine fields, burning everything.

So many favourite parts...I can't help wondering why it is that PETArds continue to claim that animals have "rights" when the Bible makes it so clear that they are to be used however we see fit. I mean, we hear an awful lot of hippies complaining about how animals should be treated better, but if we banned tying foxes together and setting them on fire, what would people do when they needed to set other people's crops on fire? Where would their rights be, eh?

[Larry Lee]

You see, that's the problem. Today's Joos understand the importance of slaying Philistines but not of plowing their women like heifers. I think that's the message our Lord has asked Dear Leader to share with Israeli Prime Minister Olmert in Annapolis.

[Pastor Billy-Reuben]

Samson was the best of the judges. No one understood the concept of God's divine justice better than Sampson.

The groomsmen cheat on the riddle, so Samson kills 30 random strangers to take their cloaks and calls it even.

Samson's would-have-been father-in-law misinterprets Samson storming off and staying gone for several months to mean Sampson no longer wants to marry his daughter, and he gives her away to another man. Sampson destroys the Philistines' crops and calls it even.

That's the kind of judges we need today.