Friends, I have some extremely good news.
I have been a widower for two years now, living far away from my friends in Freehold, and I have been lonely. Not completely lonely - that's not possible with Jesus - but I also haven't had a good meal in 2 years. I know It was just God testing me and my faith.
Last night however, He came in my dream. It was a very vivid image, and I could hear Him say: "Wide-Open, you have a long upstanding member of your congregation, and I want you to find you a True Christian™ - amazing how He even showed me the ™ bit - companion. It's time!"
Yay!!!!
Everyone here knows how kind and loving I am, and my medication seems to have reduced the number of anger attacks considerably. My BMI (I don't know what it is, some doctor told me last time in hospital) is a decent 33, most of my bodily functions still work, and I can play the faggott and entertain you for hours with it, blowing "My love for Christ has no bounds".
I also have a nuclear shelter at my disposal, complete with prayer booth, which we can use whenever we see a mooslim in our neighborhood. Your life is secure with me. (until the Lord decides differently)
Now please, serious candidates only . No harlots, tramps, pagans, wiccas or other females. I will moderate this thread very strictly and have put a flood control on it.
This may be your chance to marry a decent True Christian Pastor.
Yours in Christ,
Wide-Open