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THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only.

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Icon47 ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-01-2020, 03:51 AM

Ho ho HO!

It is I, your favorite supernatural being, the Reason for this Loverly Season! Santa! I'm back. Yeah, I do admit that my supernatural powers are limited to the superhearing of your naughty deeds and my superspeed on the Big Day, but it's still better than those of my rivals. The Jesus guy mostly concentrated on mass suicides of the hogkind thus spoiling perfectly good pork (which I deliver); The Kim family is best known for their capability of instantly growing daisies on their footprints (which I also deliver, the daisies, but in case of desperate need also the footprints); the English have the awesome superpower of turning all food into lukewarm tasteless gelatinous substance (yes, I do deliver, and I do know that Patsy Stone was an exception to this rule with her amazing ability to sustain life on booze only since 1970); and let us not forget Disney's superpower of making every good story a banal medley of self-evident deepities.

That said, don't hesitate to place your orders here! Ho, please be reminded that I do not deliver people or abstract concepts ("love", "peace of mind", etc.). I do not deliver "health" tho on some occasions blue pills are acceptable.

Please be informed that both I, Rudolph and the rest of the gang and most elfs have been inoculated against the coronavirus with the most effective Santa's Helpers' Immunization Treatment vaccine (not available for the public until 2022). My beard (facial hair, not in the "gay" sense although I've been through that phase, too, during my millennia-long existence and it was nice to say the least but I'm diverging) serves as well as the face masks (those I can deliver) against contamination.

Be nice and you'll get as many toys of genuine plastic replicas as I deem fit for you. Be naughty and you'll get what you need and deserve. Ho, ho, ho!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-01-2020, 08:25 PM

Santa,

You think you can just slide down our chimney and start mocking Jesus? How dare you? God will not be mocked! Forget milk and cookies--I'm leaving a Chick Tract for you this year. It's the story of how you turned an innocent 8 year old into a murderer who was damned for all eternity. Or just click on the image now.



What I want for Christmas is for you to repent your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior who suffered and died upon the cross to redeem you. And a Donald Trump Presidential bobblehead.


EZEKIEL FLINT 2024
A Christian President who'll get behind the working men of America and push hard for a better world.
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Jesus Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-01-2020, 09:40 PM

Well, well, well; I see that we can an intruder sneaking his way into . "Santa", if you were coming here to learn about the saving Grace that is available through the precious of the and , , then I would welcome you with open arms. But, I think it's obvious to all, that you are here to have a bit of fun with the servants of Almighty . And we all remember what happened when a talking serpent found its way into the nursery!

Genesis 3:13, 14:
13 And the said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
14 And the said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life"

So, you see, "Santa", your trickery and charm won't work here, because we know what you are all about. I'm afraid that you will have to get up much earlier in the morning if you think you can fool the people of at , Satan!
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Arrow Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 01:42 AM

Speaking of evil twins, care to explain this one Claus?



"No room for them in the inn" (Luke 2:7)?
Not if they'd come to the Blood of Christ Motel!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 02:30 AM

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Originally Posted by WWJDnow View Post
Santa,

You think you can just slide down our chimney and start mocking Jesus? How dare you? God will not be mocked! Forget milk and cookies--I'm leaving a Chick Tract for you this year. It's the story of how you turned an innocent 8 year old into a murderer who was damned for all eternity. Or just click on the image now.


What I want for Christmas is for you to repent your sins and accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior who suffered and died upon the cross to redeem you. And a Donald Trump Presidential bobblehead.
Ho ho ho! Well if it isn't me old friend the wee lad WWJDnow! You surely remember (and I'm not calling you Shirley) the nickname your folks gave you: Tiny! So it's Tiny-boy again. Never figured where the name came from.

I Dknow that your heart is in the right place giving me some comics, but I can assure you that I can actually read and do not need the picture to understand the funnies. I also remarked earlier (for the literate only, I must admit) that I do not deliver concepts or states of mind. Regarding your other wish, the bobblehead: Can do! Ho ho ho! As you didn't specify which one you'd prefer (they're all high-quality genuine plastics) I chose the most popular one. It's gonna be all yours this Christmas!



As you can see, he doesn't have the big boy pants on that your political opponents are urging him to wear. Ho, I am very considerate towards your political affiliations, aren't I?The paint on this figurine is genuine gold replica, it is a collectible so I recommend you do not remove it from its original transparent plastic box! Ho, my boy!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 02:38 AM

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Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Well, well, well; I see that we can an intruder sneaking his way into . "Santa", if you were coming here to learn about the saving Grace that is available through the precious of the and , , then I would welcome you with open arms. But, I think it's obvious to all, that you are here to have a bit of fun with the servants of Almighty . And we all remember what happened when a talking serpent found its way into the nursery!

Genesis 3:13, 14:
13 And the said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
14 And the said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life"

So, you see, "Santa", your trickery and charm won't work here, because we know what you are all about. I'm afraid that you will have to get up much earlier in the morning if you think you can fool the people of at , Satan!
Ho ho Hoe, Bella! My Missy, been missing you! I always cherish the Decembers you climbed unto my lap to do the innocent "lap-dance" in your crimson dress and asked for the dolls and the lipstick. I delivered. I still deliver but you've grown a bit bitter during these still youthful days of yours, and I can help. I can see that in your nice picture of me and my childhood pal you mention "good taste". Ho, can do! You do need it and I'll deliver! It'll come in a package of not one or two but in a box of onescore bottles, enough to last you until summer 2021! Be nice and the Dentist bill might also be settled!



You're so cute when you have a tantrum going! Ho, please, never ever grow up Dear Bella, remember, I am always your Beast!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 05:07 AM

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Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes View Post
Speaking of evil twins, care to explain this one Claus?

It's Denny! Always of the inquisitive mind!

I remember well the Christmases around 1937-1943. Young Adolf was running amok, wasn't he? I am actually the Real Santa™ on the right, the left one is just an acromegalic elf who doubled as my bodyguard. Even with my superspeed visiting Germany during that era was a real undertaking. Anyway, we gave the boy some nice prints of his mutt Blondi to show him that there was actual love and devotion in the world. Obviously, we failed, but we did try, unlike your Jesus who was content to watch millions and millions of his supposed followers perish. Well, that's his usual strategy, to play the hide and seek game and he's the master in hiding, don't you agree.

I cannot deliver free will. Apparently Geezuz can and did and cherished the free will of this one naughty kid over the free wills of all the tens of millions. I did try to fix that too all those years and millennia ago, and gave him the book on basic arithmetic during his manger years. He didn't even bother to open it.

For you, Denny, I have the Hitler card in plastic. Now you can use it for all your future discussions on any topic and effectively shut the conversation down. I'll also try to fix up something to help you with the drooling.



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 03:49 PM

I'm a little apprehensive after last year - you understand I'm asking this for others - do you offer plastic "saints" or "icons" or (perish the thought) "relics" as part of your brochure?

Say if a plastic pope statue was requested or even I've seen a pope-on-a-rope shower soap of all things would that be something you could provide?

Thank you.
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Default Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 04:03 PM

I was promised a wall four years ago. It did not come.Could you give it to me as a gift for Christmas?




Thanks


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Default Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-02-2020, 06:32 PM

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I was promised a wall four years ago. It did not come.
Well, I won't point any fingers, but I'll say the lazy Mexicans are at fault, for not building and not even paying for the wall.

The only thing I want for Christmas is something that will kill aphids on my rocoto peppers - without killing the plants. The little creeps reproduce by virgin birth, so just one can lead to an infestation, and no matter how many I kill they keep creeping up.
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-03-2020, 04:08 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I'm a little apprehensive after last year - you understand I'm asking this for others - do you offer plastic "saints" or "icons" or (perish the thought) "relics" as part of your brochure?

Say if a plastic pope statue was requested or even I've seen a pope-on-a-rope shower soap of all things would that be something you could provide?

Thank you.
Hi, Mitzy-missie! It was so nice to rock you on my knees when you were but a wee lassie and your red hair tickled my nose and got me to sneeze.
Can deliver and can do better. Here's the item you requested. The rope is-I am happy to say-not made of natural fibers but it is real refined plastic! Glory, as you like say it.



Here a soap bar to wash the more germ-infested parts of your being.



With the bar soap, you can make intricate soap sculptures. I am just hoping that you won't draw anything rhyparographic on it. Merry Christmas, Mitzy-Ditzy-Witzy me lass. Ho etc.


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-03-2020, 04:14 AM

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Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez View Post
I was promised a wall four years ago. It did not come. Could you give it to me as a gift for Christmas?

Thanks
Yes, I could but I won't. You deserve something better. I'm just like the sorting hat and I ruminate over things and I just know what you need: A pet cassowary!



Aren't they magnificent! Did you know (I bet you didn't!) that they can swallow an apple whole! Can Jesus do that (I bet he can't although he's quite obsessed with them and them figs!). You are missing some structure, affection, care and unconditional love (can your Jesus give that, I bet he can't!) and a cassowary is just what you need!


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-03-2020, 04:19 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Well, I won't point any fingers, but I'll say the lazy Mexicans are at fault, for not building and not even paying for the wall.
The only thing I want for Christmas is something that will kill aphids on my rocoto peppers - without killing the plants. The little creeps reproduce by virgin birth, so just one can lead to an infestation, and no matter how many I kill they keep creeping up.
Ho, Bassie-Lassie. I can deliver.



These rubber-tipped tweezers are just the thing you need! I know, you can't thank me enough! They pick the aphid up gently and without any unnecessary harm to these awesome creatures. But please, just this once, do not use them on any bodily orifice, however small these tweezers might seem. They may do unexpected harm. So. Just. Don't. You know how much you hate it when your Christmas night ends up in the ER.


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Sic transit luto mundi, my foot! - 12-04-2020, 01:05 AM

and just when you thought it couldn't get any less classy:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa Claus
Name:  pope soap.png
Views: 79
Size:  55.3 KB
Two things I've never wanted to find in my bath:

The Pope
Little Richard

Name:  pope snarles.png
Views: 78
Size:  31.8 KB



What's next? Frank turns up in a leopard-skin smoking jacket?
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Sic transit luto mundi, my foot! - 12-05-2020, 04:34 AM

Quote:
[td]

What's next? Frank turns up in a leopard-skin smoking jacket?
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
and just when you thought it couldn't get any less classy:Two things I've never wanted to find in my bath:

The Pope
Little Richard

[table]
Attachment 29809
Mitzy, always so hard to decipher. Ho, this means that because of the impossibility of understanding your wishes, you'll be delivered presents based on what you need. I do know that you were always hard to satisfy and you wanted more and more. If it js not enough for you to pick up the slippery Pope Soap from your shower floor, here's another one of your idols: Mr. Hari Seldon in full glory on Trantor! Obviously, it's not the real person (I don't deliver them) but you can indulge yourself looking at this picture and do psychic history with him.



As for the leopards, their intricacies are best explained by the all-time classic "Bringing up Baby", the chick-flick about emancipation, 75-million yo bones and lots of cute leopards. The snow leopard thrives on North Pole, btw. It's not the same pole you used for dancing during those forgotten motor lodge years of yours. Ho!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Default Re: THE WAR! - 12-05-2020, 07:35 AM

Quote:
I think you're confusing my life with the atrocious film "Hammersmith Is Out" in which the sorts of things likely to occur sans that leopard are front and central.

Including the consequences.


As it happens, pagan wretch recycling millennia-old debunked cosmologies or not, I've never showered in public and was always happy to accommodate the wishes of others before addressing my own simple requirements. Properly brewed tea, appropriate herbs and spices, wines as Jesus intended whether golden or green or black or even blue (I've heard) thank you for taking an interest. Satan will never prevail. Turn to Jesus today.
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Jesus' eternal love Re: Mitzy-Bitzy's cute tantrum - 12-05-2020, 01:35 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
I think you're confusing my life with the atrocious film "Hammersmith Is Out" in which the sorts of things likely to occur sans that leopard are front and central.

Including the consequences.


As it happens, pagan wretch recycling millennia-old debunked cosmologies or not, I've never showered in public and was always happy to accommodate the wishes of others before addressing my own simple requirements. Properly brewed tea, appropriate herbs and spices, wines as Jesus intended whether golden or green or black or even blue (I've heard) thank you for taking an interest. Satan will never prevail. Turn to Jesus today.
Ho, Mitzy! You are admittedly mostly nice and courteous while I have no idea what you're saying, so I'll humor you. I really don't understand your obsession with the Popes, but I do appreciate a good cuppa. Methinks that the following item is just what you need and cherish although it is made of porcelain and not my favorite substance, genuine plastic. With this collectible, your 5 o'clocks will be filled with joy and frolicking. Do not use a dishwasher, nor any strong detergents.
Attached Images
 


Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Smile Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-05-2020, 03:15 PM

Dear Santa:
I'd like a wife. It has been quite some time since my wife, Mrs. Huchins left, no one (certainly not me) has any clue or definite proof of her whereabouts. Time for a replacement, ideally a much better one.

I'd like her to be young but not too young, she must be fertile, with wide birthing hips and a slender waist. Beautiful and not speak. A fantastic cook and homemaker.. Agreeable with no opinions. She must know her place. Please send a catalog of suitable females from which I can audition.


You can check with Jesus, I have been very well behaved.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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Jesus' eternal love Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-05-2020, 04:25 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by James Hutchins View Post
Dear Santa:
I'd like a wife. It has been quite some time since my wife, Mrs. Huchins left, no one (certainly not me) has any clue or definite proof of her whereabouts. Time for a replacement, ideally a much better one.

I'd like her to be young but not too young, she must be fertile, with wide birthing hips and a slender waist. Beautiful and not speak. A fantastic cook and homemaker.. Agreeable with no opinions. She must know her place. Please send a catalog of suitable females from which I can audition.
You can check with Jesus, I have been very well behaved.
Howdy-ho, Jimbo-Bimbo my Baby Boy! I wish I could give you the awesome superpower of READING THE INSTRUCTIONS but I won't. You just have to struggle with the intuition that led you the above-mentioned undeliverable item, a wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Santa Claus View Post
Ho, please be reminded that I do not deliver people or abstract concepts ("love", "peace of mind", etc.). I do not deliver "health" tho on some occasions blue pills are acceptable.
I suppose that (obviously) by your definition wives are not "people" but "items" and as much as I'd like to deliver you an inflatable plastic manikin of a woman, I won't - You've been nice and I don't have to consult G-zuz to know that - my elfs have watched your every step. So I'm gonna deliver you a gift based on your needs. Behold this jumbo sousaphone that'll be yours in just a few weeks! Oom-pah Oom-pah!




AND it comes with a mute (in PLASTIC!) so that it won't "speak" when you don't want it to! Ho!



AND if you still insist on finding a suitable mate. I'll deliver to you a one-way plane ticket (economy class, not refundable) to Jersey Shore where you can browse the catalog of suitable mates in real life. You only get all this because you're one of my special boys, Jimbo-Bimbo! Ho ho ho!



Ho Ho Ho! Merry Christmas everyone!!
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Smile Re: ASK SANTA - THE 2020 GIFT REGISTRY! - 12-05-2020, 05:18 PM

A Sousaphone is as useful (perhaps more so) than a female. When you leave it in a closet for a few weeks, you will not have busy-body people needlessly calling the police because it is safely ensconced there. Although had you read my request, you'd of noticed I just wanted a catalog.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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