THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS! Open for the CHRISTmas Season only. |
|
Is a good, decent True Christian™ lady
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 11,343
Join Date: May 2010
Location: 39.373117/-76.472688
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-25-2019, 09:16 PM
Hey, Jesus. Wishing you a grand birthday. Wanted to thank you for healing my toaster after I laid hands upon it. The power comes through you, I know. I can't wait to spread Your Word through this healing testimony.
BTW, if the toast came out with your face on it, my witnessing would have even more impact.
Bless you, My Dear Lord, in Your Name.
Your humble handmaiden,
Handmaiden
His left hand should be under my head, and his right hand should embrace me.
Guns For God and the Economy
|
|
Another brick in Donald´s wall - A.K.A "The Gonz" True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 2,111
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Ungodly South America
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 12:06 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Yes, and it saddens me that it is sixty-nine all the time.. And yes, I could! It'll be finished on a Saturday! Glory to Me in the Heavens! These are the great Tidings I bring y'all!
|
Amazing, not only you are accurate with the number, but also you can perform the miracle of making Mexicans to work on a Saturday. That requires a higher power, and it is a strong sign of your existence, my Lord and Savior!
1 Thessalonians 4:16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the TRUMP of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first.
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 02:23 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White
And, You see, the truth is that I was going to make Your cake first, but with the complicated dietary restrictions that you Joos go by, I wasn't sure if I would be able to find eggs from a kosher chicken. There is no Joo food market nearby, so I am afraid that I had to use regular eggs from the Piggly Wiggly. And, let's face it, , eggs that come from a store with a pig's name don't quite meet Your Joo standards, do they, Dear?
Sincerely, and with gratitude,
Isabella W.
|
Me! H! Christ! Now the woman is making me a Jew. They killed me, yaknow! Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man. Me!
Gotta watch some Left Behind movies to calm my omniscient mind and my merciful heart. You remind me of Martha the busybody. Her heart was In a good place but she should have spent some more time foot massaging me instead of cooking the yams. Mary M. had of course also better looks, a case relatively similar to yours compared to Melania Trump. Or like the case of Thomas being able to lift more weight from the bench while James worked his thighs better at the gym. For My sake, woman, be more lake Mary M. or James!
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 02:26 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brother Gonzalez
Amazing, not only you are accurate with the number, but also you can perform the miracle of making Mexicans to work on a Saturday. That requires a higher power, and it is a strong sign of your existence, my Lord and Savior!
|
And verily it also seems that the Messican also took an answer as a permission to speak again. I sometimes wonder if Dad knew what He was doing when the blessed those who were poor in spirit and decided to call them Messicans.
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 02:32 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by handmaiden
Hey, Jesus. Wishing you a grand birthday. Wanted to thank you for healing my toaster after I laid hands upon it. The power comes through you, I know. I can't wait to spread Your Word through this healing testimony.
BTW, if the toast came out with your face on it, my witnessing would have even more impact.
Bless you, My Dear Lord, in Your Name.
Your humble handmaiden,
Handmaiden
|
That slice of toast was intended to be the first part of a set of 10,000 slices for a jigsaw puzzle that depicts my True Face™. It belonged to my left eyelid, slightly to the right from one of my astonishingly long eyelashes of the lateral part of the eye. You didn't eat it, did you? It was not intended to be used for Catholic cannibalistic blasphemy.
|
|
True Christian™ Icon of Feminine Virtue
|
|
Posts: 4,854
Join Date: Mar 2019
Location: Ungodly Buffalo, NY, MAGA USA
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 02:48 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Me! H! Christ! Now the woman is making me a Jew.
|
Oh, my word! Well, I am truly ever so very sorry, dear . I know that this is a very tricky topic, but I must assure you that I do take my readings from the very seriously, and from there is where I base my statements.
Matthew 27:37 "And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS."
And, even though You might say that this is what "they" had written, as gossip, I must ask: was not Your beloved mother, Mary, a Joo? And, if so, would that not make You a Joo, too? Goodness, I'm not trying to be confrontational, or anything like that, but I am asking purely from a desire to learn how best I can teach others about Your most glorious Self.
Now, then, does this mean that You found my birthday cake for You was up to Your very high standards?
A truly blessed evening to You, Dear,
Sincerely, Isabella W.
(Mrs.) Isabella White
Hebrews 10:19 "Having therefore, brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the of "
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 02:58 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White
Oh, my word! Well, I am truly ever so very sorry, dear . I know that this is a very tricky topic, but I must assure you that I do take my readings from the very seriously, and from there is where I base my statements.
Matthew 27:37 "And set up over his head his accusation written, THIS IS THE KING OF THE JEWS."
And, even though You might say that this is what "they" had written, as gossip, I must ask: was not Your beloved mother, Mary, a Joo? And, if so, would that not make You a Joo, too? Goodness, I'm not trying to be confrontational, or anything like that, but I am asking purely from a desire to learn how best I can teach others about Your most glorious Self.
Now, then, does this mean that you found my birthday cake for You was up to Your very high standards?
A truly blessed evening to You, Dear,
Sincerely, Isabella W.
|
Me!
I never thought I'd have to cite the works by anyone else but this sermon by my good friend Pastor Zeke was written by the Holy Ess so it'll do.
https://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=10278
The cake was ok but the dough could have benefited from a dash of manna and myrrh. The Q&A session with you is now over.
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-26-2019, 03:05 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joanna Lytton-Vasey
Beloved Lord, as a mother of many I know that the most valuable gift is to be left in peace once in a while. My gift to You this year is to give You time off from answering my stupid questions. So I will not ask one.
I will, though, wish You a very Happy Birthday.
Yours for All Eternity
Joanna
|
The sapphire bracelet is in your fridge in the freezer compartment behind the bag of frozen peas. It was never lost and as you didn't ask I won't tell you how it got there but I'd suggest a spanking session of some underage males if I were in your shoes. Which I am not. The sandals we used with the guys were just plain nasty which is why we did all the constant feet washing rituals. John's hand could do extraordinary stuff with your feet. Those were the days.
|
|
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 9,361
Join Date: Jan 2007
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-27-2019, 08:27 AM
Happy Birthday JC! We're eternally grateful for smiting our enemies, and thank you for delivering unto us your humble servant Donald Trump to annoy and dispatch the Democrats, socialists, and communists, and for freeing us from Omamunism. Amen.
Hell's foundations quiver at the shout of praise;
brothers, lift your voices, loud your anthems raise.
...and get off my lawn
|
|
Innkeeper for Christ
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 2,730
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: Not hacked by Mossad
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-29-2019, 12:28 AM
If you're still taking questions Lord, I think we'd all appreciate an answer to one of the deep theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for ages:
Why did God create Asians?
|
|
Completely CRAZY for the Lord
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 14,663
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Leviticus Landing
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-29-2019, 04:32 AM
Hello I'm interested in Moses. I know about Enoch who, during his travels, was transported directly away. I know someone who thinks that means his time-dilating spacecraft malfunctioned (possibly going into ultrawarp i.e. beyond the 1 KPD limit, rather than exploding) but I'm not advocating such a ridiculous theory which transgresses the cosmology Thou hast so clearly expounded.
Similarly for Elijah. He was on the earth. Then he was sucked off. A whirlwind took him straight to Heaven as was witnessed by Elisha and evidently well known to the local children (in this case if someone said the whirlwind needs to be a tornado I wouldn't argue) but Thou knowest this already. Enoch and Elijah had not died and were available to pop back down from the heaven Thou hast described at any time.
At the time of Moses ’ passing, on the other hand, what happened to his body is not described. Satan was squabbling over it but where it went remains a mystery and if in fact he was missing, presumed dead, he might have gone the same way as Enoch. (Again, I'm not suggesting Thou wert setting up a colony "earthside" and that Moses disrupted Thy time-dilator causing a recoil effect as some people would claim.)
Couldst Thou enlighten me on this point?
1. Kiloyears Per Day
2. due to the amount of suction required
3. Deuteronomy 34:5-6
4. Jude 1:9
5. Presumably they'd say a hyperspatial conduit was opened between the Nile and a rock at Rephidim Exodus 17:5-6 with Thine own authority but at Kadesh Numbers 20:11-12 the striking mechanism exceeded design limits set by wormhole engineers triggering a future (as it would seem to us) recoil and opening a gateway for the devil to get his hands on Moses. Otherwise, they would say, why would he only target Moses? Satan ought to find Enoch or the Magdalene at least as appealing – from his point of view; obviously I spend very little time thinking about this except insofar as I need to be ready with an answer for any depraved freaks I bump into. They really do have very poor dress sense.
|
|
The Truest Christian™
|
|
Posts: 269
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Heaven
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-29-2019, 01:56 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dennis Lukes
If you're still taking questions Lord, I think we'd all appreciate an answer to one of the deep theological questions that have puzzled Biblical scholars for ages:
Why did God create Asians?
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor
Hello I'm interested in Moses. I know about Enoch who, during his travels, was transported directly away. I know someone who thinks that means his time-dilating spacecraft malfunctioned (possibly going into ultrawarp i.e. beyond the 1 KPD limit, rather than exploding) but I'm not advocating such a ridiculous theory which transgresses the cosmology Thou hast so clearly expounded.
Similarly for Elijah. He was on the earth. Then he was sucked off. A whirlwind took him straight to Heaven as was witnessed by Elisha and evidently well known to the local children (in this case if someone said the whirlwind needs to be a tornado I wouldn't argue) but Thou knowest this already. Enoch and Elijah had not died and were available to pop back down from the heaven Thou hast described at any time.
At the time of Moses ’ passing, on the other hand, what happened to his body is not described. Satan was squabbling over it but where it went remains a mystery and if in fact he was missing, presumed dead, he might have gone the same way as Enoch. (Again, I'm not suggesting Thou wert setting up a colony "earthside" and that Moses disrupted Thy time-dilator causing a recoil effect as some people would claim.)
Couldst Thou enlighten me on this point?
1. Kiloyears Per Day
2. due to the amount of suction required
3. Deuteronomy 34:5-6
4. Jude 1:9
5. Presumably they'd say a hyperspatial conduit was opened between the Nile and a rock at Rephidim Exodus 17:5-6 with Thine own authority but at Kadesh Numbers 20:11-12 the striking mechanism exceeded design limits set by wormhole engineers triggering a future (as it would seem to us) recoil and opening a gateway for the devil to get his hands on Moses. Otherwise, they would say, why would he only target Moses? Satan ought to find Enoch or the Magdalene at least as appealing – from his point of view; obviously I spend very little time thinking about this except insofar as I need to be ready with an answer for any depraved freaks I bump into. They really do have very poor dress sense.
|
*THIS IS AN AUTOMATED REPLY BY THE CELESTIAL SERVER*
Jesus Christ, King of Kings, Savior of all those who accept Him, Son of God who is God etc. etc. has left the building. Jesus is on a well-earned vacation after replying to a swarm of mostly uneducated questions by sinners and Christians alike.
Jesus will Return® either next Christmas, Easter, or after the Rapture Event™, whichever occurs first. Your questions and many others will be answered during the next episode of His visits. During His absence from social media, you may consult either Pastor Ezekiel or a senior male household member regarding any questions of True Doctrine™. Meanwhile, Jesus will continue to monitor your every thought, movement (bowel or voluntary), and sex act, in order to winnow undesirable stock from entering His Realm, Heaven.
Praise Him!
|
|
True Christian™
True Christian™
|
|
Posts: 823
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: America: God's favorite nation
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-29-2019, 07:47 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesus
Jesus will Return® either next Christmas, Easter, or after the Rapture Event™, whichever occurs first.
|
Exciting news! Our savoir, who traditionally only answers our questions around Christmas time, may appear as early as Easter of 2020!
Close minded people are just right people who don't want to spend time arguing.
|
|
True Christian™ Lady Extraordinaire, an Honorary Male Biblicist
|
|
Posts: 8,762
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Surrounded by heathens
|
|
Re: ASK JESUS - 2019! -
12-29-2019, 08:33 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Prayer Warrior
Exciting news! Our savoir, who traditionally only answers our questions around Christmas time, may appear as early as Easter of 2020!
|
Or the Rapture, if (as we pray) sooner!
Thank Thee, , for the tip about the bracelet. Thou wouldst not believe what else we found in there - well, obviously Thou wouldst, because everything is known to Thee. The culprits have been identified and punished and the insurance money has been added to Pastor Zeke's aircraft fund. After all this time, it's not worth the bother of repaying the insurance company.
Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
|
Thread Tools |
|
Display Modes |
Linear Mode
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
Powered by Jesus - vBulletin® Version 3.8.9 Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
vBulletin Skin developed by: vBStyles.com
Content Landover Baptist Forums © 1620, 2022 all rights reserved
|