[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

I know a lot of you have been hearing rumors all afternoon about the Portway family, and I think it's time that somebody should come forward and address your concerns.

Today, I received an anonymous tip from Billy Bob Jenkins that Aaron Portway's wife, Naomi, had been spotted downtown playing with some kids her own age. Knowing that Naomi's husband is a True Christian man who enforces Ephesians 5:22, I became greatly concerned that Mrs. Portway was out of the house without any supervision. I made a point to go investigate, as soon as my lunch break ended.

After I finished my pork chops, I called Aaron up on the phone and asked him where he was. He told me he had flown Pastor Ezekiel down to Florida because the good pastor did not want to get any of this snow on his shoes, and they wouldn't be home till it passed. I asked Aaron if he had given Naomi permission to leave the house while he was gone, and he told me, "No, absolutely not."

I relayed Billy Bob Jenkins' anonymous tip to Aaron, and told him I was headed to the playground to see if it really was his wife Naomi who was down there, or if it was just some other little girl who resembled her.

When I arrived at the playground, I saw a group of kids playing in the snow, and I immediately took up my megaphone, poked my head out the window, and announced, "Attention, children playing the snow: Is one of you named Naomi Portway?"

The group of kids stopped, and they all turned to look at me. Then, a familiar little girl stepped forward, and cast her eyes down to stare at the ground. I engaged the megaphone again, and announced Ephesians 5:22: "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." I could tell she was feeling guilty, and she looked like she was about to cry, so I added, "What kind of rebellious whore of a wife leaves her husband's home unattended while he is away on business trips earning a living? Aren't there some dishes at home that need washing? A carpet that needs vacuuming? A pot roast that needs roasting? You march yourself right over here, young lady!"

Naomi trudged towards me through the snow and came to a stop right outside my cruiser's window, which I rolled half way up because it was getting cold in there. I spoke to Naomi through the window, "Are you out of your kitchen for a reason?"

At first she didn't say anything, but when I threatened to use my tazer, she started talking. Apparently, some of these kids had made contact with her on prior occasions when she had been out of the house on wifely errands, such as grocery shopping, and when they found out that her husband was out of town, they lured her down to the playground for foolish games. Being a lowly female, Naomi was too weak to heed her husband's instructions to stay home to cook and clean. Now I had to clean up the mess.

"You take this megaphone and tell your friends you can't see them anymore," I said, sticking the megaphone out the window. She was starting to cry, but I forced the megaphone into her hand. "Now tell them!" I demanded again.

Through her tears, she put the megaphone to her mouth and bade her friends goodbye, and then I made her point the megaphone up to the sky and announce a public prayer for forgiveness up to Jesus in Heaven.

Once she was in the cruiser and we were on our way back to Aaron's house, I gave her quite a lecture on the importance of wives obeying their husbands. And since she is only 15, Aaron is quite a few years her elder, and so she was also found in violation of the Bible's orders that children obey their elders.

I hope she has learned a valuable lesson from all of this.

Aaron, you will find her handcuffed to the stove when you get back. The key is on the dining room table, if you want to unlock her.

Over and out.