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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 06-28-2020, 02:21 PM

Miss DD,

I don't find this "joke" good, clean or Christian.
It's more like bad, dirty and heathen.


More to my taste is the following...


Two Angels are having a slight difference about their value to God. Adora has kept itself in the lofty realms, and flys gracefully with its beautiful wings and worships God 24/7


On the other hand, Philioterra has spent its time urging mankind to be kind to one another. In spreading the message to the world, one of Philoterra's wings is horribly burnt by a volcano.


Philoterra can barely make it back to the Seat of God. The damaged wing is just a stump.


Before the Majesty of God stand two Angels. Adora and Philoterra. God says "I choose Adora as my Favorite Angel", Philoterra says "Why is that, My Lord. Surely I have done Thy work and brought Mankind to reach an everlasting Covenant with You. Adora has done nothing of that."


God answered "It's a matter of a pinion"


58 If thou wilt not observe to do all the words of this law that are written in this book, that thou mayest fear this glorious and fearful name, THE LORD THY GOD; 59 Then the LORD will make thy plagues wonderful, and the plagues of thy seed, even great plagues, and of long continuance, and sore sicknesses, and of long continuance. 60 Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. 61 Also every sickness, and every plague, which is not written in the book of this law, them will the LORD bringk upon thee, until thou be destroyed.


Deuteronomy 28: 58- 61
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 06-28-2020, 06:23 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by DominiqueDomgaard View Post
How do you get rid of Japanese beetles?

Send a Japanese Mark David Chapman.
Oh? I thought neem oil worked on these little buggers?


So, where do I get that "Japanese Mark David Chapman?" Is it a spray? Do I need to dilute it with water, or spray directly on affected plants?

I'm not sure why did you post this in the jokes section, dear, but if you say that works, I want to try it.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 06-28-2020, 09:45 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Oh? I thought neem oil worked on these little buggers?


So, where do I get that "Japanese Mark David Chapman?" Is it a spray? Do I need to dilute it with water, or spray directly on affected plants?

I'm not sure why did you post this in the jokes section, dear, but if you say that works, I want to try it.
Oh, Heaven help us all, dear Sister Basilissa; I'm not so sure that I follow Miss Domgaard's "joke", either. Your mention of neem oil reminds me of when I recently asked my gardener to ensure that my prize-winning roses were not suffering from any nasty garden mites. Just to be on the safe side, I sent him off to the gardening supply centre to get some remedies. At no time did Domingo mention this Chapman remedy being recommended, though. One wonder if Miss Domgaard is confused, and if she meant the type of Japanese beetles as shown below?





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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 06-29-2020, 02:39 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Isabella White View Post
Oh, Heaven help us all, dear Sister Basilissa; I'm not so sure that I follow Miss Domgaard's "joke", either. Your mention of neem oil reminds me of when I recently asked my gardener to ensure that my prize-winning roses were not suffering from any nasty garden mites. Just to be on the safe side, I sent him off to the gardening supply centre to get some remedies. At no time did Domingo mention this Chapman remedy being recommended, though. One wonder if Miss Domgaard is confused, and if she meant the type of Japanese beetles as shown below?

Wow! Aren't these the Three Stooges, though?
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-05-2020, 12:15 PM

They don't look very happy. I think they need Jesus.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-05-2020, 05:42 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by MitzaLizalor View Post
They don't look very happy. I think they need Jesus.
I found their playlist:

Ruv me Do
Can't Buy me Ruv
Rucy in the Sky
Ret it Be
Penny Rane
Locky Laccoon
Yerrow Submaline

finishing off with a lousing chorus of The Rong and Winding Load.


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Smile Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-13-2020, 03:07 AM

***Useless link promoting fornicatory foods removed by your friendly moderator***
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 09-14-2020, 07:29 AM

A man died and, when he met Jesus to be judged, was told that his faith wasn't quite strong enough for him to be admitted to Heaven, but wasn't so weak that he deserved to go to Hell. So Jesus said, "I'll give you a choice. You can spend one day in Heaven and one day in Hell, then you can decide where you want to spend eternity.

So the man spent a day in Heaven, and it was very pleasant, with harps and singing songs of praise to the Lord. Then he spent a day in Hell, where the weather was perfect and he joined all of his friends on the most amazing golf course he had ever seen, hit a hole in one, and celebrated all night at a magnificent banquet.

When he returned to Jesus for his final judgment, he said,"Heaven was nice, but I have to admit that I prefer Hell. So please send me there." Jesus obliged and damned the man to Hell.

When he got there, the man found that it was miserable. Hellfire was constantly burning him, brimstone filled his nostrils, he didn't see any of his friends, the golf course had been paved over, and the food was terrible. So he went to Satan and asked, "When I was here yesterday, Hell was such a pleasant place. What happened?"

"Well," Satan responded, "yesterday you were a recruit. Today you're an employee."


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-22-2020, 03:10 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Basilissa View Post
Oh? I thought neem oil worked on these little buggers?



That nasty beetles joke (I could never think up such crudeness and call it humor) made me think of one.


What do you call it waking up and finding The Beatles in your bed?


The British Invasion of privacy.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-22-2020, 04:52 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha Chung View Post
That nasty beetles joke (I could never think up such crudeness and call it humor) made me think of one.


What do you call it waking up and finding The Beatles in your bed?


The British Invasion of privacy.
I find nothing funny about the Beatless. Their punk rock turned a generation into long haired Commie homos which caused us to lose in Vietnam.


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Bomb Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-22-2020, 07:26 PM

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Originally Posted by Des View Post
I find nothing funny about the Beatless. Their punk rock turned a generation into long haired Commie homos which caused us to lose in Vietnam.
That perhaps was God's punishment to America for their disobedience. Now luckily we are being blessed by Him thanks to the one and only Donald J. Trump


Ecclesiastes 5:3b "A fool's voice is known by multitude of words."
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-22-2020, 09:37 PM

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Originally Posted by Diesel Stanford View Post
That perhaps was God's punishment to America for their disobedience. Now luckily we are being blessed by Him thanks to the one and only Donald J. Trump
Friend, considering that the Beatless were making pornographic music and America was allowing that speed metal smut on our radios, I'm inclined to agree.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-23-2020, 02:05 PM

What do you call a girl who lived a life of harlotry only to end up with saggy pillows?

An ex-pert.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-24-2020, 05:23 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha Chung View Post
What do you call a girl who lived a life of harlotry only to end up with saggy pillows?

An ex-pert.
My mother has so-called "saggy pillows". Are you calling her what I think you said? This is so ridiculous - are there any forum moderators to remove this filth.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-24-2020, 08:41 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Anthony J. Toole View Post
My mother has so-called "saggy pillows". Are you calling her what I think you said? This is so ridiculous - are there any forum moderators to remove this filth.
Good morning, doctor. My sincere apologies if my joke conjured up the memory of your mother. Rest assured, I have full confidence she was not a harlot, therefore does not apply to the joke's context. God bless.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-27-2020, 06:27 PM

Once there was a girl named Dorothy. She lived with the Aunt and Uncle and three cousins in Kansas with a little dog named Toto. One day, a tornado came and sucked her house away to a land called Oz. There she met funny little little midgets, a wicked witch, a talking lion, scarecrow and tin man. She had to follow the yellow brick road to find the wonderful wizard of Oz so she could get home. At the Emerald City, the wizard told Dorothy to kill the Wicked Witch of the West, and so she did, and returned, but the wizard was a fraud, and so she had to use the witches slippers to click three times and say, "there's no place like home..."
When she woke up, she discovered it was a all dream. Her Uncle smacked her silly for sleeping when she should be making him breakfast, like a good girl. He spanked her all the way to the kitchen as he recited Proverbs 13:4 to her.




I suppose this isn't a joke - this is a warning to young ladies not to drift off and indulge their idle thoughts, and neglect their duties!


Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-05-2020, 03:18 AM

So imagine Tonto teams up with the Toxic Avenger. What would he call him?

Chemo Sabe.


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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-20-2021, 02:15 PM

A Catlick priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk together into the blood donation center. The nurse asks “Do you know your blood type?” The Rabbit says “I’m probably a Type O”.


Vaccinated by the love of Jesus!!!
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-27-2021, 07:34 PM

you guys can't even tell funny jokes lmfaooooo


THE DUNG BEATLES WERE BIGGER THAN BIG BIRD.

"We're more popular than Big Bird now. I don't know which will go first – rock & roll or Christianity. Big Bird was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's Chubby Checkers twisting it that ruins it for me." - JOHN LENNON, 666
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Sinner Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 02-27-2021, 09:31 PM

An atheist dies. Standing in the Death Line©, when he gets to the Booth of Christian Decision™ the True Christian™ working opens the God Haters file. Stamps with a great big red HELL and the fool goes off to spend eternity of torture and torment. This always cracks me up.


Isaiah 45:7 I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the LORD do all these things.
Amos 3:6 Shall a trumpet be blown in the city, and the people not be afraid? shall there be evil in a city, and the LORD hath not done it?
Numbers 21:6 And the LORD sent fiery serpents among the people, and they bit the people; and much people of Israel died.
Matthew 10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
Matthew 10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
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