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Default Organic Food Terrorists - 01-06-2012, 11:14 AM

Maybe some of you have seen this video, or others like it:



I was upset to learn about this, the second SWAT team raid on the Rawsome Food Co-op. I'm upset because the first time they raided this nest of commie organic food terrorists, they didn't ship them to Gitmo or one of my company's privatized "reform through labor" camps like we have in China, North Korea and Texas. By failing to snuff out this branch of Al Qaeda in California, their terrorist movement has spread. Organic food is a threat to the American way of life!

After the first raid in 2010, the Rawsome terrorists where let off with a fine. Of course, the now-privatized L.A. police force hauled their filthy germ-ridden raw milk outside and dumped it in the sewer. They they burned the lettuce and tomatoes in a big bonfire in the middle of Venice Blvd in order to protect public health and safety. Unfortunately, the fire got out of control and burned down an adjacent apartment block, a gas station, kindergarten and hospital, but casualties were light. Anyway, in the War on Terror, you have to accept the inevitable collateral damage. It was certainly worth it - those hippie organic food nuts were selling raw milk, eggs, beans and other foods WITHOUT preservatives to CHILDREN.

That's right - to children! Think of the children. Without nutritious preservatives, how can we expect them to remain healthy and gain weight? As a major food processing conglomerate, my company is proud of its products. Just recently, we developed a new bacteria-killing plutonium-based preservative that allows you to keep fresh milk WITHOUT REFRIGERATION - for 240,000 years! Thanks to the hard work of our lobbyists, the FDA will require that our trademarked and patented PlutonoFresh Milk will be the only kind permitted to be sold in public school cafeterias starting from next semester. Furthermore, anyone caught giving their children raw milk will be charged with felony child abuse, and be listed on the Federal Sex Offenders' Registry.

I want to assure everyone that not only is PlutonoFresh Milk nutritious and free of any living organisms, but children love it. The same addictive chemicals (note: formula is a trade secret, so I can't list the ingredients) that we put in our corn chips and chocolate bars, is now in the milk as well. I can assure you that once you and your kids have tried it, they'll never want to (or be able to) stop from drinking it. We tested it on rats, and they absolutely loved it. Indeed, they just couldn't get enough of PlutonoMilk.


PlutonoMilk taste test - before and after

Meanwhile, we're working on getting a federal passed in this session of Congress that will make it a felony (punishable by minimum 10 years imprisonment) to operate an unlicensed and unauthorized "community garden." Or raise chickens, ducks or any other beasts without a permit from the US Food & Drug Administration, which was just recently privatized. My company, by the way, won the no-bid contract.

By this time next year, we're hoping to do something about water too. It's come to our attention that some people refuse to hook up to our nationwide grid of public-private water services, which at $1 per gallon is really quite a bargain. Instead, these "water rights" terrorists steal water from the public domain by diverting streams, drilling wells, or even catching rain water. Obviously, such "organic" water has not been homogenized, pasteurized, or chemically-treated with dioxin and depleted uranium. And yes, people not only bathe their kids with "natural" water, but even let them drink it!

Fortunately, we're expanding our SWAT team right now as I write. Let me assure you that we will never rest until every morsel of food and every drop of water in America is corporate-owned, for your protection.


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
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Default Re: Organic Food Terrorists - 01-06-2012, 11:29 AM

I felt ill at the idea of drinking water that hasn't passed through a processing plant and had chemicals for our own good added to it. Just reading the last paragraph was enough.

Having also read the previous horrors about milk and additive-free food I am now off to my prayer closet.



Isaiah 34:6 The sword of the LORD is filled with blood, it is made fat with fatness, and with the blood of lambs and goats, with the fat of the kidneys of rams: for the LORD hath a sacrifice in Bozrah, and a great slaughter in the land of Idumea.

John 5:46,47 For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me. But if ye believe not his writings, how shall ye believe my words?

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Default Re: Organic Food Terrorists - 01-07-2012, 09:31 PM

Praise Jesus we have a Republican Congress majority to draft new legislation to combat these organic food terrorists. They are now eligible for indefinite detention in Gitmo for engaging in these activities.

President Obama, a muslim communist critic of these measures – as well as speaking out against the "Patriot Act" when he was a senator, was FORCED to sign it into law.

Imagine – drinking RAW goat milk, a precursor to Satanic rituals and goat fornication. This has to be stopped.

Quote:
President Obama Signs Indefinite Detention Bill Into Law

December 31, 2011

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

CONTACT: media@dcaclu.org

WASHINGTON – President Obama signed the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) into law today. The statute contains a sweeping worldwide indefinite detention provision. While President Obama issued a signing statement saying he had “serious reservations” about the provisions, the statement only applies to how his administration would use the authorities granted by the NDAA, and would not affect how the law is interpreted by subsequent administrations. The White House had threatened to veto an earlier version of the NDAA, but reversed course shortly before Congress voted on the final bill.

“President Obama's action today is a blight on his legacy because he will forever be known as the president who signed indefinite detention without charge or trial into law,” said Anthony D. Romero, ACLU executive director. “The statute is particularly dangerous because it has no temporal or geographic limitations, and can be used by this and future presidents to militarily detain people captured far from any battlefield. The ACLU will fight worldwide detention authority wherever we can, be it in court, in Congress, or internationally.”

Under the Bush administration, similar claims of worldwide detention authority were used to hold even a U.S. citizen detained on U.S. soil in military custody, and many in Congress now assert that the NDAA should be used in the same way again. The ACLU believes that any military detention of American citizens or others within the United States is unconstitutional and illegal, including under the NDAA. In addition, the breadth of the NDAA’s detention authority violates international law because it is not limited to people captured in the context of an actual armed conflict as required by the laws of war.

http://www.aclu.org/national-securit...ntion-bill-law


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Default Re: Organic Food Terrorists - 01-08-2012, 11:40 AM

Quote:
Originally Posted by WilliamJenningsBryan View Post
Praise Jesus we have a Republican Congress majority to draft new legislation to combat these organic food terrorists. They are now eligible for indefinite detention in Gitmo for engaging in these activities.
Thank you for bringing up the NDAA, Brother William. I'm proud to say that my company's lobbyists worked long and hard on this model legislation. While liberals always want to coddle criminals, good conservative folks have proudly supported numerous innovative new law enforcement techniques, such as zero tolerance, warrantless wiretapping, no knock search warrants, and beat to a pulp.

Of course, it's just a continuation of a trend that's being going on since the time of Jesus. True Christians were always ahead of the curve - during the Inquisition for example, or the Salem Witch Trials. Back in those days, there was zero tolerance towards terrorists.

Now thanks to the NDAA, we should be able to quickly nip this dangerous organic food cult in the bud. Ditto for Occupy Wall Street.

The NDAA allows for indefinite detention without the need for filing formal charges - much less undergoing the expense of a trial - so that we can reduce prison costs. Combined with forced labor, this will allow us to gain a competitive advantage against China in the manufacturing industries. More prison labor equals more jobs for Americans! It's a win-win!

But we're getting off topic here, so let's get back to the food business. I'd like to announce that my company has at last settled a trademark dispute with a food company called Crystal Light.



They make a bunch of sugar-free products like sugarless candy and lemonade. A pretty good business, since chemicals are way cheaper than natural sugar, but you can charge more for it! Anyway, the problem was that my company was planning to market a food additive with a very similar name: Crystal Meth. Although it hasn't officially gone on sale yet, we've actually been experimenting with it for over a year, adding it to soft drinks and desserts in school cafeterias. The experiment has been a great success - the kids have gone nuts for it and just can't seem to get enough! Thus, we are planning to phase out the nicotine and opiate-based market-enhancing food supplements, and go 100% with Crystal Meth in all our processed food and drinks.

Contrary to other nutrition supplements, we have found that Crystal Meth actually can help grateful customers lose weight.



Right now we're working with non-unionized teachers in our newly privatized schools to introduce a little bit of market-based public relations into kindergarten art classes.



As far as I can see, this is just another win-win situation. The free market is such a beautiful thing, creating prosperity while delivering the goods and services that people want, need, and soon won't be able to live without!

That's Uranus Corporation for you. Bringing you better products for a happier future, for your whole family.


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
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Default Re: Organic Food Terrorists - 01-11-2012, 08:18 PM

The whole organic/healthy food racket is a joke. I saw this news piece a few years ago about a Negress who lived to be 115 on nothing but fried chicken and bacon. Here, this one. Do you think she ever set foot in a Traitor Joo's?

Quote:
“She told me that she owes her longevity to the Lord, that she never did drink, she never did smoke and she never did fool around,” Dr. Witt said at the party.
See? Only God can make you healthy.

If you want to lose weight, you stop eating for a while. This is called fasting and it is what Jesus did. It's downright crazy to go out and spend a week's pay on some flavorless granola burger or whatever have you, when you could be saving money and showing your devotion to Christ—and when you do eat something, it will taste so much better!


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Default Re: Organic Food Terrorists - 01-12-2012, 05:33 AM

Amen, Sister V. You are absolutely correct that people can keep slim and trim by starving, which is how my company keeps its Chinese prison-factory workers in such good shape.

Not that American consumers should be concerned about their weight. All that hype by liberals about being slim should not deter you in the least from enjoying my company's delicious sugar and growth-hormone enriched chicken, beef and dairy products:


Growth-hormones yes, but 0% trans-fats!



And remember, if you are concerned about your looks, you can always visit my company's liposuction clinics.

I just want to add that my company's pioneering efforts in genetically modified (GM) food technology has recently made some great breakthroughs. Originally, we were just modifying the genes of vegetables, fruits and grains, but later found out how to modify animals so that they would gain weight more quickly. Now I am proud to announce that we have discovered ways to combine human and animal genes, producing the best of both worlds - for example, cows that can eat non-traditional foods such as horsemeat, thus lowering the feeding cost:



Eventually, we hope to introduce animal behavior into humans as well. We've had some promising results already from research with sheep.


Praise Jesus!
Brother Fred
CEO, The Uranus Corporation
Put your faith in Uranus!


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