[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Fellow Patriots,

You pay have heard that Michelle Hussien Obama has ripped up an American symbol, trampled upon it, and smeared it with poo. That this American symbol is the White House lawn only makes the insult worse. This letter from a chemical industry lobbying group provides us our talking points regarding Michelle Hussien Obama's harboring an organic garden on the White House grounds:

1. Having a kitchen garden will destroy technology and make us all stupid. Farmers are stupid and backward, and anyway people have more productive things to do than grow food - for example, working on Wall Street, or doing whatever all those unemployed people are doing.

If Americans were still required to farm to support their family's basic food and fiber needs, would the U.S. have been leaders in the advancement of science, communication, education, medicine, transportation and the arts?

2. Did I mention that growing food is undignified and unladylike? I mean, we're talking about being outside, bending over and getting sweaty, with worm-poo all around.


God intended us to work in cubicles, doing dignified work, like the financial industry does. Farming is for undignified, low-class nations - we call them banana republics for a reason.

3. Muslims believe that heaven is a garden. In fact their word for "paradise" literally means garden. Jesus, on the other hand, only touched a food crop once - and that was to curse it.

4. Gardens are a very unsafe place for families with young daughter. You never know when your innocent daughter will be flashed by a cucumber, aka a plant penis. Just look at this pornography:



5. GPS technology is good. (I know, organic farming can also use GPS but if you add this bit, people might think it can't.)

6. If it's owned by a family, it counts as a family farm. Even Stalin and Mao had families, so technically there's no such thing as a non-family farm. So stop trying to promote "family farms" because there's no other kind:

Individuals, family partnerships or family corporations operate almost 99% of U.S. farms

7. Remember: if you grow your own food, you hate farmers. (Don't say it this bluntly. Instead give them some math to work out:

22 million people are employed in farm-related jobs...an average farmer produces enough food to feed 144 Americans.

8. Who needs to save endangered species when mice and locusts are also wildlife?

Agricultural land provides habitat for 75% of the nation's wildlife

9. Women and gardens are a bad mix. Ever heard of what a woman did in the Garden of Eden?

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Does she know something that we don't know?

Maybe she's just planting out of habit. The coons have traditionally been sharecroppers. And I think they have to grow the ungodly things they eat (goober peas, collard greens, etc) because you certainly can't buy them at a normal supermarket.

[Sally Paulson]

Monsanto Corporation (which is also a family farm) gives us an idyllic picture of what kind of farming the Hussien Obama family are better suited for:

[Nobar King]

That looks like their family vacation.

[Palmer C. Eldrich]

Wow. You guys just don't know when to stop. Don't you all have gardens in the back yard?

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Palmer C. Eldrich

Wow. You guys just don't know when to stop. Don't you all have gardens in the back yard?

Is that some sort of disgusting sodomite euphemism?

[Larry Lee]

You know, Brother Zeke and Sister Paulson, the both of you are correct when you mention the Osambo's sharecropping pedigree. But the halcyon days when darkies sang Swing Low Sweet Chariot while they worked the fields are long, long gone.

Today, the Osambos are from the South Side. Chicago's home of prostitution... and drugs.

I think that nappy haired Michelle has a different kind of horticulture in mind than growing tomatoes and beans.

[Jeb Stuart Thurmond]

Originally Posted by Palmer C. Eldrich

Don't you all have gardens in the back yard?

Of course we do. Flower gardens, worked by Mexico's finest gardeners, using every chemical God chose to bless us with.

The only work my wife does in the garden is to administer the chemicals. She's very cute when she does it, she looks like a little mad scientist, using every pesticide short of nerve gas and every herbicide short of agent orange.

[Larry Lee]

Originally Posted by Jeb Thurmond

every herbicide short of agent orange.

ahhh.... 2,4,5-T. What fond memories of effective weed control that brings back! There was a time -- long ago -- when American agriculture was the envy of hungry third-worlders across the globe (and if you don't believe me, just ask Norman Borlaug).

Nowadays, however, we're cursed with communistic enterprises like Whole Foods and organic certification, which only fleece the consumer's wallet with their la-de-da assertions of "health," "sustainability" and superior flavor. Like Hell (if you'll excuse my French). What's going on here is the rejection of scientific agriculture. And now the Osambos are a part of it, as if we should be surprised.

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by Larry Lee

ahhh.... 2,4,5-T. What fond memories of effective weed control that brings back! There was a time -- long ago -- when American agriculture was the envy of hungry third-worlders across the globe (and if you don't believe me, just ask Norman Borlaug).

Nowadays, however, we're cursed with communistic enterprises like Whole Foods and organic certification, which only fleece the consumer's wallet with their la-de-da assertions of "health," "sustainability" and superior flavor. Like Hell (if you'll excuse my French). What's going on here is the rejection of scientific agriculture. And now the Osambos are a part of it, as if we should be surprised.

It beggars belief that in the 21st Century people would turn their back on science and embrace some vaguely defined belief system just because it feels good. As a Christian I can tell in my heart that God considers these people deeply wrong. We are not a bunch of goat herders in the Bronze Age, we should should the miraculous chemicals our God has given us.