[JennyD]

Officer Richards, has there been any progress in the arson investigation at the Monthly Visitor?

As you know, a mob of people dressed in white robes with hoods (impersonating Landover's security detail, no doubt) surrounded the main house and set it ablaze a month or so ago. And this just two days after Pastor Ezekiel accused me of falsifying my books and "holding out on Jesus"! It was the worst week of my life!

(Second only to the few days I spent up in North Salem visiting with Reverend Rodimer and his congregation. I had no idea the Ozarks extended to Indiana . . . but I admit, the church is housed in the nicest doublewide in town, and Rodimer has a perfectly charming Airstream.)

[Bobby-Joe]

Originally Posted by JennyD

Officer Richards, has there been any progress in the arson investigation at the Monthly Visitor?

As you know, a mob of people dressed in white robes with hoods (impersonating Landover's security detail, no doubt) surrounded the main house and set it ablaze a month or so ago. And this just two days after Pastor Ezekiel accused me of falsifying my books and "holding out on Jesus"! It was the worst week of my life!

(Second only to the few days I spent up in North Salem visiting with Reverend Rodimer and his congregation. I had no idea the Ozarks extended to Indiana . . . but I admit, the church is housed in the nicest doublewide in town, and Rodimer has a perfectly charming Airstream.)

Dear me, impersonating the security detail. That is a quite a serious charge. I can't imagine anyone in Freehold doing that. Must have been a band of rampaging atheists. As we said before the entire security detail was escorting Pastor Zeke to dinner with Iowa State treasurer David Vaudlt at the Cedar Falls, Iowa Holiday Inn. Obviously with a meeting of two prominent Iowa State Christians the tightest security was needed. Looks like the atheists took advantage of the situation to attack another (expendable) part of the body of Christ.

I am sure your sacrifice has been noted in Heaven Sister.

[WWJDnow]

Originally Posted by VictoryOS

Then again, I'm a sucker for donuts!

I'm into hotdogs and donuts.

Originally Posted by Rev. Jim Osborne

Well, I for one am outraged to see the public martyrdom of our brave Officer Richards over simply trying to keep a little law and order in our fair town.

The Bible tells us to stone unruly children. I say that little brat got off lucky.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2009

Most of you probably already heard about that car crash out on Moses road. Out of four total victims two were life-flighted to Des Moines. My response was swift, thanks to my intense police training.

I was not impressed with the medics on the scene however. When I got there they didn't even have the victims out of the cars yet, they were just standing there quizzing them down about if they could move their arms and legs. Well you know me, I'm a man of action, not words. So I just yanked the victims out of the cars and plopped them down on the road.

The medics just about had a cow but I told them that I was an Eagle Scout when I was a boy, I didn't need them to lecture me on first aid.

One of the victims was bleeding badly from the head so I tied a tourniquet around her neck and sat her upright to keep the blood from traveling up to her head.

Shoot, by the time the chopper arrived I just about had the victims all fixed up and ready to go home. You wouldn't believe how sensitive and pansy those medics can be. One of them just about got himself a big fat ticket for obstruction of an Officer of the Law currently administering first aid.

I imagine that those young punks learned a thing or two about emergency medicine from ol' Don 'the doctor is in' Richards. I love being a cop.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Officer Don, those two accident victims were sure lucky that you came along. Now if they just read The Bible everyday, I'm sure they'll fully recover in no time at all!

I think that this incident just goes to show the damage that public schools have done to our educational system. Those "medics" obviously got their "education" in public schools, so their heads are all filled with nonsense like people evolving from dinosaurs and the world is more than 6000 years old! They were probably afraid to touch those accident victims for fear of turning into lizards or dinosaurs themselves!

On the other hand, a fine home-schooled fellow like yourself has a "can-do" attitude - you're confident and fully qualified to practice medicine after reading The Bible and a Christian biology textbook. I think that you're as well qualified to be a doctor as Sarah Palin is to be president!

The city of Freehold needs more officers like you on the job.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Father Maurice Lester]

Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards

.... One of them just about got himself a big fat ticket...

Your specialty no doubt.

Do you have an older sister named Renee by chance?


Bless you, my protruberant pissant,
Father Mo



.

[Rev. Jim Osborne]

Hmmph! More petty drama queen behavior from our resident papist. No surprise there with his smart-alecky "wit" and "puns". You know, Mo, has anyone ever told you that you have more sass than Mr. Blackwell? Not that I'm insinuating you....a cattier-than-Oscar-Wilde Catholic priest of being gay or anything.....

Now, as a general rule, some of us Baptists from the heartland of America might be pretty expansive in girth....Officer Don, his lovely wife Vic, myself...but does weight really matter? It's a moot subject and I think you're just diverting attention away from the fact that even if Officer Don's blood is 90% pork gristle, he is still a faithful True Christian™ and will join Jesus in Heaven.

So let's quit hurling insults to our REAL AMERICAN HEROES who lay their lives on the line everyday for our safety and give them a hip-hip-hooray!

Officer Don: A bigger hero than the entire FDNY on 9/11!

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards

Hard to believe it's been a week already, but I am back on duty so all you bad guys out there better watch out. Officer Don W. Richards is on the scene.

I Believe the first thing you should investigate is the Lady who has been wearing these to Church. Why, our Dear Mother Glynndie is in such a tizzy over it!

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

Originally Posted by SUV

I Believe the first thing you should investigate is the Lady who has been wearing these to Church. Why, our Dear Mother Glynndie is in such a tizzy over it!

Consider it done. This kind of whoring doesn't go unnoticed by the Freehold PD.

[SUV]

Originally Posted by Ofc. Don W. Richards

Consider it done. This kind of whoring doesn't go unnoticed by the Freehold PD.

Mmmmm...."whoring," Officer? A Lady must keep her heels dry!

The toes don't matter so much. It's kind of fun when your toes get wet and they get all squishy-squashy, squishy-squashy....Squidgy?

(I think MY Tiara is lovelier - don't you?)

Well anyway, a Christian Lady simply must have all the "fun" that is allowed by Pastor/JESUS!

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

This is not some small fashion issue. These are the kind of shoes that hookers on the streets wear. Trust me, as an Officer of the Law, I have encountered my fair share of hookers.

Also, lesbians wear these shoes and use the heels to molest themselves.

[Buford T Scoggins]

Everyone, forgive me for publishing the following graphic photo, but words alone cannot express my shock and horror that there are women (and girls!) who wear these things in public:



Officer Don, do you think you can do something about this? It might be necessary to set up a traffic block and do random checks on potential sluts who could be wearing these Satanic garments underneath their outer clothing. I would be willing to volunteer for such duty if you need any help.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

[Pastor Ezekiel]

Originally Posted by Buford T Scoggins

Everyone, forgive me for publishing the following graphic photo, but words alone cannot express my shock and horror that there are women (and girls!) who wear these things in public:



Officer Don, do you think you can do something about this? It might be necessary to set up a traffic block and do random checks on potential sluts who could be wearing these Satanic garments underneath their outer clothing. I would be willing to volunteer for such duty if you need any help.

yours in Christ,
Brother Buford

To our boys in security: You need to bring any girls caught wearing one of those get-ups directly to my Pastor's Study for interrogation. Day or night.

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2009

Received a domestic disturbance call around 9:15 PM to the low-income apartments in the southwest district of Freehold.

It was a typical situation: A couple was fighting and the neighbors called the Boys in Blue to come settle the dispute.

I could hear shouting all the way down the hall before I even knocked on apartment 17, where the fight was taking place. I used my flashlight to bang on the door, and alerted the occupants that the Freehold PD was on the scene.

After a minute the door swung open and there stood your typical meth-head. "Your neighbors called you in for disturbing the peace" I said. She said the 'S' word which I promptly ticketed her for.

The stench of marijuana and Lord knows what else coming from the apartment was almost enough to knock me over, but I've seen it all. "I'm going to come inside your apartment, so if you've got anything illegal in here you better let me know right now" I warned. "My boyfriend has some weed" admitted the rotting woman before me. "Your boyfriend?!" I exclaimed. "Do you two have sexual intercourse with one another?" She confirmed that they do indeed engage in sexual activity. "Are you aware that the Holy Bible says that sex outside of marriage is a sin?" I recited 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5:

3For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
4That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;
5Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:


At this point her dope-head boyfriend opened up his rotted-out mouth and said they don't "give a *bad word*" what the Bible says. At this point I drew my tazer and commanded them both to place their hands on top of their heads and face the wall. I slapped the cuffs on them and told them they were under arrest for sexual immorality.


I never did find out what they were fighting about, but it doesn't matter now anyway. I found all kinds of pot and meth in their apartment.



It's really satisfying to get in, do the job, and get out. The system works.

[SUV]

See? Who says there's never a cop (please pardon my vulgarity, Officer Don!) around when you REALLY NEED ONE.

[JennyD]

Originally Posted by Pastor Ezekiel

To our boys in security: You need to bring any girls caught wearing one of those get-ups directly to my Pastor's Study for interrogation. Day or night.

But . . . but . . . Sister Victory is a MARRIED WOMAN!

[Buford T Scoggins]

Originally Posted by JennyD

But . . . but . . . Sister Victory is a MARRIED WOMAN!

I trust that Sister Victory won't be wearing one of these...



I doubt that they make them in that size.

Praise the Lord!
Brother Buford

[SUV]

I have always wondered how the un$avED can wear these sorts of things. Isn't it at least uncomfortable if not downRight Painful?

And doesn't it get kinda stinky awful quick?

[Ofc. Don W. Richards]

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2009

Got behind a car on the highway that was weaving back and fourth and speeding up and slowing down. Pulled the driver over and radioed in the tag for ID and wants.

Seems the car is registered to a good Christian woman, and of course there were no wants.

I approached the driver and I immediately noticed that she was distressed. Her eyes were glazed and bloodshot and she had trouble forming sentences. I asked her what the problem was, and she explained that she was listening to praise music on the way home, and the Holy Spirit simply overwhelmed her with the amazing love of God.

I was so moved I took of my hat, had a short prayer with her, and sent her on her way.

Being a cop means that I see some of the worst people humanity has to offer on a daily basis. It's times like these, when I get to meet some of the best, that really make it worthwhile.

[SUV]

Guess I owe you one, Officer Don PRAISE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!