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Default Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 09-20-2006, 02:11 PM

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn
coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the
man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes
arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned"
and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does."




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Default 09-20-2006, 05:04 PM

You really made me laugh, sister. Thank you!

Yours in Christ
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Default 09-20-2006, 05:14 PM

Joe had two problems in life. He was having another fight with the wife and he was struggling with coming to grips on accepting God.

One day as he was going through the Bible, he came upon this saying of Jesus:

Matthew 22:30
For in the resurrection they neither marry, nor are given in marriage, but are as the angels of God in heaven.


He turned to his wife who was sitting there with him and remembering their wedding vows "...until death do you part..." he loudly exclaimed: "Yes, there IS a God!"

Such Wisdom and wit.
PRAISE!



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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-09-2006, 09:23 PM

A man went into a sex-shop to purchase an inflatable doll. The shopkeeper asks the man if he wants a male or female doll and the man answers that he prefers female dolls. Then the shopkeeper asks if the man would prefer the doll to be black or white, to which the man answers that he would like the doll to be white. Lastly the shopkeeper asks if the man would like the doll to be Muslim or Christian... Puzzled the man answers that he really can't imagine why that would matter, to which the shopkeeper replied: Well my good man, it does indeed make a difference, 'cause the Muslim dolls blow up themselves.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-09-2006, 09:56 PM

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily-tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."



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HE took the damsel by the hand, and said unto her, Talitha Cumi; which is,
being interpreted, Damsel, I say unto thee, arise!...Mark 5:41



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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-09-2006, 10:10 PM

knock knock. Who is there? is old lady. old lady who? I am make you yodel. ha ha. I am hope this is bring smile.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-09-2006, 10:45 PM

once upon a times a drunkin hobo staggereds into a catlick church, an entereds a confesshunal booth. the priest sat an waiteds for the hobo to start confessin, but the hobo saids nothin. so the priest knockeds on the wall to get the hobo's attenshun, but the hobo real quiets, he not say a words . the preist knockeds again, this time real louds, an the hobo finally spoked, he saids "it ain't no use a-knockin, cuz there be no toilet papers on this side niether."


a liddle Joo boy come home from skool an tells his momma that he gots a part in the skool play. she ask "what be the part?" an he real prouds, he say "i be playin a Joo husbind" . his momma get real mads an she say "go back an tell that teecher that you wants a speakin part!"
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 10-15-2006, 12:42 PM

I know some of you have already heard this, but here's my favorite clean joke:

Q What do you call a dog with no hind legs and a metal tail?

A Sparkey


Jesus - gentle, dependable overnight relief.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 11-13-2006, 05:37 AM

Forgive me if my humour is a little stiff, but I've got an old one....


Q: What is shrivelled, crusty, and is puffing smoke?

A: A burnt out "WICK"-can.

I use this one for my October Wiccan Hunt, which was successful this year by the way.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-15-2011, 11:41 PM

What do you say to a Negro in a suit?

"Will the defendant please rise..."


1 Corinthians 14:34 Shut up and get back in the kitchen!
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-05-2006, 05:07 PM

How about this classic?

A father and his 8 year-old daughter are sitting together on the front porch admiring nature. The girl points to a spider on the steps and says "Daddy, what's that?" The father smiles and says "That's a daddy long legs!" Just then, another spider approaches the first and they begin to mate. Curious, the girl asks, "Is that the mommy long legs?", to which the father replied "No, that's a daddy long legs too!". The girl angrily stomped both of the spiders to death and said "We're not having any of THAT at OUR house!!"
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-10-2006, 11:30 PM

Q: Why do they call it "soul music" when Negroes don't have souls?

A: Because the media is run by lox-gobbling Hebrew Christkillers.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-20-2006, 04:43 PM

It's Santaist rather than Christian, but seems holiday-appropriate.

It also demonstrates what happens to those who wish to curry the favor of Satan Claws:

Quote:
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so Santa began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-21-2006, 11:43 PM

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping,
never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

Live simply and appreciate what you have.

Give more.

Expect less.



PS. After the neighbors left, the donkey bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from gangrene.

TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you!
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 12-22-2006, 01:19 PM

That last joke doesn't sound very Christian to me.
It sounds like a lieberal hippie joke.
As does the "lessons" one could learn from it.

Jesus tells us to hate sinners, as He hates them, and we are to follow in His footsteps!

The foolish shall not stand in thy sight: thou hatest all workers of iniquity.
Psalm 5:5

And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me.
Matthew 10:38

We are not only to worry ALL THE TIME, we are to do better, we are to live in FEAR.
Righteous fear of the Lord! Praise!

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom:
A good understanding have all they that do his commandments:
His praise endureth for ever.
Psalm 111:10


We are not to help the "unfortunate" (as in "give more".) as they are unrighteous sinners. Rather we should tithe that gift to Jesus instead.
Glory!

I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread.
Psalm 37:25

For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.
Matthew 26:11

And trying to kill a donkey is not wrong in any way, they are soulless beings no better than rocks, and we may kill them if we want to.
PRAISE JESUS!


If thou be wise, thou shalt be wise for thyself: But if thou scornest, thou alone shalt bear it.
A foolish woman is clamorous: She is simple, and knoweth nothing.
Proverbs 9:12-13
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Default Re: Good, Clean Christian Jokes - 07-30-2007, 06:55 PM

Q: How do you get a Muslim woman pregnant?
A: Dress her up as a goat
<---


Wir müssen die Juden ausrotten
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Default reformed baptist - 10-23-2007, 01:07 PM

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
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Default Re: reformed baptist - 10-23-2007, 01:12 PM

Brothers, I think we have another 11 year old boy playing with his parents computer. He has been warned. Pastor Zeke, do you want to do it, or shall I have the privelege?


Matthew:
5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled
10:21 And the brother shall deliver up the brother to death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against their parents, and cause them to be put to death.
10:34 Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.


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Default Re: reformed baptist - 10-23-2007, 01:14 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by eliot mayfield View Post
Brothers, I think we have another 11 year old boy playing with his parents computer. He has been warned. Pastor Zeke, do you want to do it, or shall I have the privelege?
Play the gong, brother Eliot.


Who Will Jesus Damn?

Here is a partial list from just a few scripture verses:

Hypocrites (Matthew 24:51), The Unforgiving (Mark 11:26), Homosexuals (Romans 1:26, 27), Fornicators (Romans 1:29), The Wicked (Romans 1:29), The Covetous (Romans 1:29), The Malicious (Romans 1:29), The Envious (Romans 1:29), Murderers (Romans 1:29), The Deceitful (Romans 1:29), Backbiters (Romans 1:30), Haters of God (Romans 1:30), The Despiteful (Romans 1:30), The Proud (Romans 1:30), Boasters (Romans 1:30), Inventors of evil (Romans 1:30), Disobedient to parents (Romans 1:30), Covenant breakers (Romans 1:31), The Unmerciful (Romans 1:31), The Implacable (Romans 1:31), The Unrighteous (1Corinthians 6:9), Idolaters (1Corinthians 6:9), Adulterers (1Corinthians 6:9), The Effeminate (1Corinthians 6:9), Thieves (1Corinthians 6:10), Drunkards (1Corinthians 6:10), Reviler (1Corinthians 6:10), Extortioners (1Corinthians 6:10), The Fearful (Revelation 21:8), The Unbelieving (Revelation 21:8), The Abominable (Revelation 21:8), Whoremongers (Revelation 21:8), Sorcerers (Revelation 21:8), All Liars (Revelation 21:8)

Need Pastoral Advice? Contact me privately at PastorEzekiel@landoverbaptist.net TODAY!!
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sonofsatan666 (On Moderation) sonofsatan666 is offline
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Default Re: reformed baptist - 10-23-2007, 01:15 PM

eliot mayfield
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Dear sonofsatan666,

You have received an infraction at The Landover Baptist Church Forums.

Reason: Posting lewd or pornographic material
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I assume you are just trying to see how long you can post before being banned. The answer is about one more post like that one like daddy's joke.
God drew you here for a reason and that reason is to save your soul. Please take advantage of this opportunity.
-------

This infraction is worth 35 point(s) and may result in restricted access until it expires. Serious infractions will never expire.

Original Post:
http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?p=104466
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