[WWJDnow]

We know that you can handle the little issues in life--a hangnail, a broken vase, a flat tire. But when the real troubles surface, you need all the help you can get, and that means the big man in the sky, JC himself. Sure, you could handle the prayers on your own, but, with the hectic pace of modern life, who has the time for that these days?

Well, the good folks of the Prayer Circle at Landover Baptist Church are here to help. For a nominal fee, one of our Godly pastors and several upstanding, Christian, white, American men will use their connections to the Almighty to get your prayers answered ASAP.

We don't outsource prayers to priests in India, Brazil, Argentina and other lands where dark skinned people eat food that is way too spicy the way the Catholic Church does. You know that God doesn't listen to their prayers because, if He did, they wouldn't still be living in those s**thole countries.

Just check out these low, low rates:

Silver Club prayers, $500. Great for low intensity disputes with neighbors, minor illnesses such as bunions or COVID, sassy children, traffic tickets, etc. Includes a prayer cloth personally used by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Gold Club prayers, $1,000. Will solve more serious issues such as getting rid of black neighbors, arthritis, atheist children, and misdemeanors. Includes a bottle of Holy Water personally blessed by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Platinum Club prayers, $5,000. Great for those tough to crack issues such as a mosque being constructed next door, heart disease, gay children, and class 2 felonies. Includes a cask of Holy Oil personally consecrated by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Diamond Club prayers, $25,000. This will handle just about anything, including a nuclear weapons plant being built next door, terminal cancer, daughters who want to marry black men, and felonies up to murder 2. Includes a prayer shawl personally worn by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint or his designated representative.

Frankincense and Myrrh Club prayers, $100,000. No problem can't be solved at this level: If your gay children sass you out then join a Black Muslim mosque and blow up the nuclear weapons plant next door while you're waiting for the Governor of Texas to stay your execution, this is the prayer level for you. Includes a set of high quality Trump Collection golf clubs and matching elegant faux leather bag with gold plated hardware personally used by our own Pastor Ezekiel Flint in a golf game with President Trump or his designated representative.

And best of all, your prayer is 100% guaranteed to be answered by God Himself:

If ye abide in me, and my words abide in you, ye shall ask what ye will, and it shall be done unto you. John 15:7

Independent studies funded by the Templeton Foundation show that our prayers are every bit as effective as if you had prayed them yourself. So you have nothing to lose but your most vexatious problems. Let us help the Lord help you. Operators are standing by, and so is Jesus. Call today!

All sales are final--absolutely no refunds. Terms and conditions may apply. The operator of this service, Landover Baptist Church Prayer Circle LLC, reserves the right to substitute prayer tokens of equal or greater value for out-of-stock items. Offer void in Pocatello, Idaho.