[Old Man Hatchet]

Many people think that petting an animal is perfectly okay. It's a healthy display of affection, they might say. WRONG. Petting an animal crosses the line of decency. It is deviant sexual behavior that has no place in a Christian household.


Zealous schoolchildren gang-pet a dog.

I don't know why so many people have the urge to stroke their pets. It is positively obscene. Tails wag. Legs shake. Little red peckers emerge. Common sense should dictate that Jesus would not approve.


Cats are promiscuous and don't care about how many hands they've been with.

Furthermore, there are places of sin called "petting zoos" where this lewd behavior is encouraged and performed outdoors for all to see. These modern-day Gomorrhas have an array of animals to satisfy just about every fetish. And they're cheap, too.


Only crack whores can compete with these prices.

Petting zoos also allow you to feed the animals. A handful of food pellets costs anywhere from fifty cents to a dollar. It's a total sham. YOU pay to feed THEIR animals. That sounds like Obamacare to me.

So keep your dog's lipstick where it belongs. Don't allow petting in your household. Like I always say--if you keep your hands folded in prayer, you can't get an animal off.